I woke up in disbelief to the news that an ex-classmate of mine's relative passed away. My immediate reaction remained the same even a week later when I visited them to pay my respects. Some of you may be shocked, others will look down on me , but we all know that you may feel the same way had you been in my shoes. I just wish you'd hold your thoughts and not judge me until you hear my justifications.
The reaction I had was: content. I do not wish to use happy because that wouldn't express it best, but an overall sense of fairness came over me. I was content that some sort of justice was served in my opinion (AstaghferAllah). For a few days I kept repeating to myself: they deserve it, life is finally showing me some fairness. Nobody gets it all in life, nobody and those people have been given more than their fair share of blessings according to my limited hindsight.
Keep in mind that the girl has not wronged me in a major way, unless she has gossiped behind my back which is actually very insignificant. She has a general arrogance about her but that is her business, not anyone else's.
I know. Shocking right? Who am I to utter such words? Who am I to judge and talk about fairness? How have I dared to even think in this way? What is more shocking to me is that how can a reasonably so-called good person like myself have such demonic thoughts that force her to wish bad on others? What, within me, is causing such a cruel trail of thoughts.
Even at the funeral, I looked at everyone and everything and thought to myself: No amount of money you have or status or even popularity will bring your relative back to life.
But now, I am not worried about my reaction for one reason only. My awareness of it and the fact that I need to do something about it is enough to know for now.
I know. Shocking right? Who am I to utter such words? Who am I to judge and talk about fairness? How have I dared to even think in this way? What is more shocking to me is that how can a reasonably so-called good person like myself have such demonic thoughts that force her to wish bad on others? What, within me, is causing such a cruel trail of thoughts.
Even at the funeral, I looked at everyone and everything and thought to myself: No amount of money you have or status or even popularity will bring your relative back to life.
But now, I am not worried about my reaction for one reason only. My awareness of it and the fact that I need to do something about it is enough to know for now.
Actually, you can go ahead and judge if you want. I don't really care that much.
Lord, please forgive me for my demonic and cruel thoughts. Ya Lord help me cleanse my inner-self and wish well to others, sincerely.
----------------------------------------------Ellen Pompeo's Hollywood Home
Till we meet again,
Sedeso
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