Do you love me?

There is something I never paid close attention to. It's only lately that I've thought about it. Here it goes. Men will almost never initiate uttering the words: I love you. For some odd, biological, cultural, personal reason, they do not say it even if they felt it. This does not include the whole male species of course, for there are those emotional species who are in touch with their inner feelings and utter it a lot. This we've known for centuries.

But what all those poets, artists, psychologists, and self-help books did not explain well is what to make of a man who repeatedly asks his woman: Do you love me?

I googled it, but so far my searches have been futile. The only explanation I have would be if I put myself in that situation. The main reason I straightforwardly ask a man if he loves me: is when I am feeling intense emotions. loving him too much and fearing that he doesn't love me as much or as intensely, I openly ask him. Looking at what I've written, I'm not sure it makes sense. Or does it?

So should I interpret all those: Do you love me? questions as indirect declarations of love?

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

Le Jour de la Saint Valentin

Stupid Cupid, quit playing on me......

Yes please, you've played long enough and I am bored already..... I'm 28 years old and I have never celebrated Valentine's day the proper way: with chocolates, flowers, a candle-lit dinner, the gift (as engrained in our heads by Hollywood and Mills & Boons novels. And finally, when I am with someone okayish, he is out of the country and thinks Valentine's day is child's play, even though I did my fair share and sent him a gift. Bleurgh....

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

A reason, A season, A lifetime

_______________________________

Sweetest Nicola sent me this as a forwarded email. It touched me. But more than that, it strengthened my shaky believe in God's wisdom, and destiny. The energies and powers in this earth, work in a very mysterious way, always for our benefit. But, they remain hidden and this is what frustrates us the most. But, anyways, this answers my question from a previous post, as to why The One is in my life.

___________________________

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, To aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, This person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, Things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, Love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

_________________________

Is The One in my life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime? I really do not know. I do not know what this universe has in store for me. But now, more than ever, I BELIEVE, that as painful as it may be, if it were not meant to be, then it will not be. Regardless of how much I beg, cry and pray for it, it will not be unless it was meant to.

Paulo Coelho says that when you want something bad enough, all the earth conspires to help you achieve it. But I do not want to insist, simply because I want to keep myself open to more realistic, perhaps even, better options. I've tried heartbreak before and it was excruciatingly painful. I mean come on, I tried leaving my man last week, and that did not last for more than 2 days.

Percy Sledge's song comes to my mind: when a man loves a woman, he can't keep his mind on nothing else, he'll trade the world for the good thing he's found. If she's bad, he can't see it, she can do no wrong, turn his back on his best friend if he put her down. When a man loves a woman, spend his very last dime, tryin to hold onto what he needs. He'd give up all his comforts, sleep in the rain, if she said that's the way it ought to be. Well, this man loves a woman, I gave you everything I had, trying to hold onto your precious love. Baby, please don't treat me bad. When a man loves a woman, down deep in his soul, she can bring him such misery, if she played him for a fool, he's the last one to know, lovin'eyes can't ever see. When a man loves a woman, he can do her no wrong, he can never own some other girl. Yes when a man loves a woman, I know exactly how he feels.....

Final whisper: is there anybody out there who will truly and mutually love me the way I deserve to be loved? 

Till we meet again,

Sedeso

Is he cheating much?

I found out something, and I could be wrong about it, but it seems that my man may be inviting escorts to his place for a bit of Nookie. How did I find out? I've got my own ways of course but thank you world wide web for showing us the truth, regardless of how ugly it is.

I found two odd numbers. One for a transvestite classy web ( which I thought was very odd) and the other was a Japanese masseuse, escort.

The transvestite number was +44781035xxxx. And Masseuse/ escort was +44782776xxxx. This is her from the website. I flipped when I found out but calmed down slowly for many reasons: 1) you either want an escort or a transvestite, not both. 2) there are only 2 phone calls that I found in the duration of 3 months. 3) there is a chance he is prank calling or even doing a favor for a friend. 4) she is not an arab local, so the chances of him having a long-term thing with her or it are slimmer.

But I am going mad (only slightly), googling private investigators. I am aware that this will drive me to madness, so I'm hoping Monday comes sooner than I thought for my next therapy session.

The last monthly bill did not show anything odd. No late-night calls and no odd mobile phones. But remember, even if he tries to hide it, he is bound to slip one day.

A wise woman always told me that if any average man was investigated, he would have too many dirty dark skeletons in the closet. It's true. And I include myself in this category. So as a smart woman, I must learn to ignore those harmless flirtatious attempts. But for my sanity, I need to remind myself of something very important. That if it is meant to be, he will come and love and stay.

I have my past, my mistakes, my lies, my dishonest moments, and my weak ones. But underneath it all, I am a loving person who adores her beau and is willing to do so much for their happiness together. So he may actually truly love me and want the same way I do. I do not know. I am very very confused.

BUT, most importantly, if as a woman my sixth sense was true, and if all my doubts were proven, do I really want a man who plays around?

Dear God, Please have mercy on my restless soul.

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

The Interview

Today was my second ever interview in the Project Management Office. I was interviewed by a much younger ex-classmate who seems to be doing very well. As soon as I found out who was going to interview me I lost all interest. My friend works with him and did not give me a good overall impression of him.

But I went in and was myself. They thought I was quitting my current job. I corrected I denied it. I love my current job and made sure he got that. He expected me to have a strong personality and be smart and hard-working. He admitted that he did not expect me to be this passionate about my current work. He stressed that he rarely saw such passion come out of a regular employee.

I wonder what the future holds for me? I wonder how my career will end up and how far will I go considering that right now, my priority is matrimony. And I think I did pretty well in my first interview.

Oh well, let the fun times roll.
Till we meet again,
Sedeso

Too good to be true ........

The past few days have been too dramatic. I acknowledged the fact that I want to get married and have babies with the man I love. So I got upset, my mood changed as per usual bimonthly and I became hysteric. I had a very rough therapy session and came out determined to leave him for good since he showed no sign of matrimonial commitment. I had a shout-out the next day and told him I was leaving him because he was not loving me enough, the way I wanted him to. I couldn't comprehend how you can love someone but not want them to be yours legally, not be afraid of losing them and not want to do all that you can to make them happy? Could love mean different things to different people? And why the hell am I trying to justify everything for him again.

Right now, I am back with him. I have sold myself so short and cheap and have gone back to him, telling him I missed him and loved him and couldn't live without him and that in my eyes, no other man was worth it. At first, I thought I will cheat on him. I might, I might not. But in my head, I know the answer to that. It won't matter to him, because I will only be hurting myself.

I noticed a trend lately. I don't really believe in myself or my abilities and keep on selling myself short. As soon as I got that call from Exco, I got scared of change and very intimidated by all the competition I may get. Not once did I think that I may actually surprise everyone including myself and excel. Well, at least I realized this. Now I know what is hindering me from progressing in many areas in my life.

But in the end, I have to ask God 2 questions. First, why on earth did he put this man in my life if he wasn't planning on getting us hitched? I was perfectly happy being single and free. 

Oh, dear, there goes that voice in my head once more: I have to learn how to stop myself from being attached. I have to learn how to love myself, be content with myself, live by myself, and not need anyone. Fuck it, Fuck it, Fuck it. If I'll spend my time learning to love myself and being content and all that crap, when will there be time to fulfill my purpose?

Secondly, why he is allowing me to go through all of this? He can very easily point his wand towards me and Bibiti Bobiti Boo make it all happen.  Why doesn't he? I don't get it.  Why allow some people to suffer?

Talking about sheer bliss, I remember feeling it twice. Twice in my life, I remember glowing and being so happy that I couldn't sleep. I just kept on staring at the ceiling not believing how lucky I am.

The first time was at the age of 16, when I had my first taste of independence. I was on my own, in Bournemouth, sharing a room with Bibi.  Remembering Bibi, I think I would like to try something. I might as well since I need to focus on myself. I would like to start a reconnection cycle, where I try to get in touch with nearly everyone I have met in my life (Enemies and Doppelgangers excluded).  The second time was with Agent 009.

Another incident also triggered this. My Sh yesterday bumped into Di from the British Bank who insisted on talking to me and passed on her business card. So I might as well try to reconnect with people. I have nothing to lose by networking.

My final question remains the same: will I ever fall truly in love, get married, have babies and live happily ever after? I am actually laughing just thinking about what I just asked. I will have to be cynical, angry and say: F*** everything.

You just give some people everything and others just peanuts, don't you God? You are hurting me. It is you, because you can make it feel better. So go ahead. Give me what my heart desires, the way I want it and when I want it. Change the crappy destiny you've written me to give me something better. 

Surely my destiny is a minute issue in this whole universe that you couldn't care less about, so save yourself a headache and give me what I want.

They have always taught us that God loves us more than our mothers ever will. So if you love me God, give me what my heart desires and make me happy. I know that if certain things are not meant to be they never will be. But YOU can change them. 

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

[Insert FWD 2021: you are so impatient my child, just wait.  A fruit needs time to ripen.  And stop blaming God for all your unhappiness]

Welcome the New Staff

How gorgeous is her top?
___________________________________

Another new staff has joined our office. She will act as the IT coordinator and a graphic designer.  I must admit that I was slightly intimidated by her until yesterday. This morning somehow I'm not. I should take her under my wings and train her and influence her to be a good staff. I am positive that if she follows my standards, my influence will benefit her in an ideal way.  I simply hope she doesn't pick up on my bad habit of working late as opposed to having an early start to the day.  This fact I suffer from myself. I have issues sleeping early, so I have trouble waking up early like all other staff. But it's more a matter of choice.

I choose to wake up when I've had enough sleep simply so that when I am at work, my day is productive as opposed to staff who sleep at work and waste their day away. Do you get me?

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

PS: For now, this new one is young and quiet.  But there is something bothering me about her and I don't get it yet.  

New Staff

Another new staff has joined our office. She will act as the IT coordinator and a graphic designer. She is listening to me and taking on my orders seriously so far.

I wonder what will happen at my workplace.

Everythying seems to be bleurgh so far.

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

The second Londres Trip

I am back from my second Londres visit. Everything went perfectly, the walks, the talks, the dinners, the arguments, all but one: when I found sms's from another girl referring to him as her: habibi. I instantly flipped forgetting all the rules of the game. I flipped because there I was once again, having given so much, invested too much into him, and loved him even more. He paused, gave me an excuse, and I did a Hillary: I forgave but of course will not and never forget.

His Pause lasted for about 5 minutes where he went to the toilet to wash up.

a pause is more than a coincidence of sentence. a pause is a huge thing filled and overflowing with implications, possibilities, and things unsaid.

a pause can be the time needed to respond with a witty reply.

a pause can be the time to make up a lie. obligations, expectations, hopes, and faith is poured on us like molten lava ... burning what we think we're capable of; we look in that moment of nothingness for an escape ... a keyhole of possibility to avoid the situation.

a pause can be the leash we need to hold back wild tears.

a pause can the time allotted ...to gather the pieces of yourself... just enough of yourself to tell a hurtful confession of truth to a loved one.

a pause can be a thought: the fantasy of hands pressing against flesh in a warm mess of passion. pauses that are taken to give us enough time to smirk. lips that press firmly against one another so steamy words cannot leak out into the world.

a pause can hold the laughs that are SO INTENSE that no sound comes out for the first 3 seconds.

mmm yes. a pause can be a time to weigh options. sitting in your room listening to music and wondering where this can go. an imaginary moment that manipulates you into believing that you can actually control fate. a moment of fake control ... like you can actually predict what will happen if you say, "yes" or "uhm, naw im going to bed." a pause to think, 'whats the worse that can happen?'

. . . a pause that is bold enough to answer your question & change everything .

There was something I saw in his face the first time I met him: a dark shadow that showed he is sleazy with girls. The more I got to know him, the more I got confused: was he really a player or simply a man unlucky in love?

But what surprised me the most is when I wondered: what girl who go for him? Seriously. I am way out of his league and he knows it. When we walk together, people always stare, probably what I am doing with this dude. He is ugly, short, bald, slightly chubby, walks funny, has black smoker's lips and is stingy with his money. He is not romantic at all and may cheat. Hmm, what the hell am I doing with him again?

Oh yes, I'm already hooked. But more than that, I am trying to prove to myself that I can get him and I will get him to seriously fall for me. To get this man to propose would be the greatest triumph in my life so far. Therefore, I must persist until I get what I want. 

So during this trip, we visited Westfield shopping mall, ate at the Greek restaurant and made friends with the Egyptian waiter, drank at Teatro, went to an ophthalmologist for him, had Kebabland, shopped in Harrods, and was seen by 2 of his acquaintances, walked across The Strand and ended up in Covent Garden, ate at Carluccio's and...... it was a good trip.

Tips for my future home:

Till we meet again,

Sedeso

PS: I sure would make a wonderful Ace Venturetta since I kinda found out who she was. Her name was Ibtesam. She graduated in either 2008 or 2009 from her bachelor's in Business Administration, 2nd top scorer in her batch. So unless she had a late start, I assume she would be nearing the age of 25 years by now. A kid obviously. But one thing is for sure: that regardless of how great her assets are, she will never ever be me or even come close for I am a wonderful, unique woman that very few men can handle. As my therapist says: I am too much for an average man and it will take a special someone to whisk me off my feet.