Depression Mode

I cried for 3 days and it was painful mainly because something in my heart was telling me I may never marry The One. The chances of it happening may be slim. I've been with him for 8 months and he has not hinted to matrimony at all. If anything, all he has said is that he never wants to get married.

My therapist is on his side on this one. She always says a man of The Horse sign either marries very late or not at all.

But, I am the one who believes in miracles. I want to be with him. I would love to end up with him. God can make it happen. All he has to do is point and it will be (Be and it shall). He has created this whole universe, so surely giving me The One and blessing us with a happily matrimonial life could only be a piece of cake.

On the other hand, I remain cynical myself. After Agent 009, I never thought I'd meet someone whom I'd feel so strongly about. I thought finding a more compatible partner was near impossible. So I remained single for 5 years curious and wondering what the universe has in store for me. Never did I think I'd meet a man as imperfect as The One and obsess about him.

So if God won't give me The One, does he have someone better suited just around the corner? 

Will I get the Happily Ever After ending?

Till we meet again,

Sedeso

Thanks?

Today, despite my anger, frustration, depression and tears, I will be grateful for: being in love, having a man in my life who I am certain enough loves me and is faithful.
_______________________________
Banoota's Boudoir:
Till we meet again,
Sedeso 

"Quote"

i tried to count my blessings today and i lost count . God is too good to ignore, deny, or put on the back burner of our life . honestly . sometimes we are so consumed in our problems that we cannot allow ourselves to completely trust God . i think it's pretty arrogant for us to believe that we "know" best about our situations . God knows all . I find it even more arrogant that we think it's ALL ABOUT US . in actuality, our priorities should be of GOD .

i just think that we are so worried about what the world thinks, when it has done absolutely nothing for us . the world is a cold place and you will learn that it's acceptance is worth less than nothing . SMH . i get down with erykah badu's video because of her speech at the end . we all think that we are so "unique" and "different" ... but the truth is, we spend our lives searching for groups to camouflage into because being an individual is way too uncomfortable for us .

the ultimate individual ... (before the Erykah Badu's, Amber Rose's, Andre 3000's, and supposed "trendsetters"at your school) ... was Jesus . He was ridiculed and persecuted for being an individual ... he was ridiculed and persecuted for us . Yet and still we procrastinate when it comes to making God a priority . we're self-centered enough to believe that we'll live to see age 80 ...when plenty of folks my age are dying everyday .

I just wanna thank God for everything ... I'm truly overflowing with gratefulness :)

 "Unquote"

Welcome

In 2010, I would like to invite 2 honorary guests into my family homes: Happiness and Matrimony.

Welcome Happiness and Matrimony, please don't be shy and feel free to pop in at anytime.

I will be the woman with a bleeding heart, waiting to greet you with open arms.

I have been waiting for both of you for a long time, but matrimony: I have waited and waited since 2001.

Happiness, thank you for you have graced me with your visits many times over the years and your visits have been very frequent, so thank you.

Matrimony, I will be waiting for you.

Till we meet again, 

Sedeso

Why God?

"Regardless of how smart, intelligent, beautiful, kind, amazing you are, beneath it all you are still a child. "<== Those were my therapists exact words as I burst into a crying fit during yesterday's session. I couldn't hold it in me any longer. I know what I want: I want him, and I want to refine him slightly and I want to marry him and have his babies. God are you listening to me?

I look around me and find nothing but couples in love, happy, committing to a lifetime of togetherness, wanting to make babies together. Even animals mate for life.

And while the whole city was happy yesterday, celebrating the tallest inauguration, yours truly was in bed with a bleeding, crying heart. A drive by the river with a midnight BK takeout didn't bring out all the sorrow.

Why was I born such an intelligent yet complicated person? Couldn't I have been born a simpler person, someone who would have been able to live happily? Because for me, life has been so complicated, so up and down that today, and at the age of 28 I am so emotionally drained.

I do realize that I am an impatient person, but so what? This is who I am.

I left my therapist yesterday with her words ringing in my ears:"You will find happiness, with or without him." All I can say is: " I want my happiness to be with him". For sure this wide, huge marvelous universe wouldn't deny me such a minute yet humble request.

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

PS: Do I have to sell my soul to the devil in order to get what I want? If he wasn't meant to be, then why Dear God, did you bring him into my life?

Happy New Year 2010

We celebrated new year's eve at a French Bistro since it coincided with mi madre's birth date. We enjoyed the countdown with the DJ in the lobby and even though I had prepared a rough list of new year's resolutions (which I released to the wind the night before with the ladies), this year I am very tempted to shout out: 2010, surprise me!

Any hows, my hasty list of resolutions
my handwriting was awry, yes I admit, but here they go:

1. The Year to get Married
2. Read more
3. Complete shimmy shimmy
4. Get a promoted
5. Travel 3 times
6. eat food for (hair and skin)
7. Sleep more
8. Save Money
9. Improve French
10. Continue Therapy
11. Be honest? to myself
12. Beautify myself
13. Earn a higher salary

I shall keep this list uploaded simply as a reminder to myself that I never asked the universe for much, yet it chooses to play games with me and I am honestly exhausted from it all.

Everyone around me appears to be very positive about 2010 so I might as well join in and become optimistic, especially that I did achieve nearly all of my resolutions for 2009, I did achieve them all but 1: matrimony.
Pictures from the New Year's eve:

Till we meet again, 

Sedeso