The one on self-worth

I've always known that my self-worth needs working on.  It was never that bad to begin with, even so, everything always has room for improvement.

I have been on this process/journey for years and am still unable to make out the light at the end of the tunnel regarding my self-worth.  What does that state look like?  What does it truly feel like to have high self-worth?  Once reached, how can it be maintained? My curiosity about its true meaning and my inability to make out that end light could be due to it being an ongoing process where one keeps on evolving.  There is a plethora of explanations by various experts when it comes to self-worth and this is probably contributing to my confusion.

I've looked at the different interconnected life circles over and over again and analyzed them: family, relationship, money, status, health, love, friendships, spirituality....etc.  For the longest time, the relationship circle was lacking.  Money circle as well.  Money was fine but I was always hoping to expand it.  And looking at it today, there are specific circles of life that I still need to focus on.

The money circle: what the current situation looks like.

I am getting paid too low for my skills. I don't know why I never had the guts to ask for a raise.  Come on, asking for a raise is anxiety-inducing to most people, right?  I have casually asked for a raise only once but never too persistently.  There was a shame factor linked to asking for it as if I was acting all posh and claiming I do not need it.  But I do.  I genuinely need more money in my life, money that is mine, not my husband's but mine.  

In an attempt to avoid an inflated and cocky self-worth, it appears I have pushed myself in the opposite direction where I keep doubting if I am good enough or deserving of the blessings.  I'll share with you an example.  I was recently invited to consult with an organization which itself is a huge honor.  My initial reaction was: am I even capable?  This instantaneous doubt made me forget all the awards and decades of experience that I had within the field.  And this was another reminder of why I should keep on working on my self-worth.

Till we meet again,

Sedeso 

The One

 Whatever happened to The One?

In Jan 2011 he disappeared for a few months.  He called me one day and said he has to go on a private work mission and for me not to worry about him.  Looking back, I should have been suspicious but I didn't have the hindsight, understanding, common sense to figure out patterns.  I was obsessed and blinded by the fairytale in my head.

May 2011, I bumped into a friend at a cafe whilst she was having dinner with her work colleagues.  I made a fool of myself and acted like a weirdo.  I threatened her boss as a joke.  (Little did I know back then that I would end up marrying him and loving him in a mature balanced healthy way).

September The One resurfaced and when I met up with him, I remember knowing deep inside that it was over but I was simply dragging things.  I hated that he had control of me.  After that, he would show up every few months but I didn't care much about him because I started dating Hubby in Feb 2012.  I got married in May 2014 and completely cut of The One and even changed my number.

If I'm not mistaken, he married in 2015 and divorced the same year.  I came across another announcement that he remarried in 2019 and perhaps is still married.  I am occasionally in touch if I need a favor or so but that obsession is completely over.  He did have arranged marriages both times.  I hope he is happy but I genuinely do not care about him at all.  

Till we meet again,

Sedeso

Inherited looks

 As I was braiding my hair, I noticed how thin it has become.   I continued to braid that thinning strand that reached my lower back.  But then, I looked up at my body reflected in the mirror and noticed all the cellulite.  In that toilet lighting, every dimple was accentuated even more. And just like that, it hit me.  The hair was my grandma's and the dimply things were my mom's.  Over the years, I worked tirelessly on my beauty, skin, hair, and cellulite.  With all the efforts that I've put in, how have I still morphed into my maternal side of the family.  I understand genetics are strong but to this extent is kinda annoying.  Wonder if I will ever look like a magazine pin-up?

Till we meet again,

Sedeso

Self-Worth

As part of my ongoing efforts to better myself, I went through a breakthrough session where I realized that a part of me still loves my husband and does not want this marriage to end.  Despite his flaws and how difficult he is, I actually cannot imagine myself being with someone else.  After the sessions ended, I have been 3 homework to do.  They are related to self-worth, self-love, and meditations.

Instead of doing my self-help exercises on paper, lemme try to do it here.  Someone out there may benefit from me and identify with me.

1.The number one most important thing about me is my kind heart.

2. As a romantic partner, the most important thing for me to be in a relationship is; loyal.

3. As a family member, the most important thing for me to be in a family relationship is: supportive.

4. The most important thing in my life, in general, is My Family.

5. The most important thing for me to feel in my life is: Safe

6. The most important thing for me to give in my life is: Sincerity

7. The most important thing for me to feel in this life is: Happiness

Love seems to be the essence.  Love seems to be a common answer and need.

This course concludes that to receive love, you have to feel, live and become love.  We must remember that WE ARE LOVE.

Till we meet again,

Sedeso

Stop Butting In

I passed by another work section to remind them of a pending task.  I tend to walk to other colleagues just to get my body moving and blood flowing instead of remaining at the office desk all day long.  

I found my colleague, chatted to her and just as I was about to leave, she asked me: "How's it going with your husband?"

So I gave her a brief:" Some days it's up other days it down and miserable".

She continued asking and being forceful in her questioning:

"So which professional are you seeing"

"Is she a psychiatrist"

"Babe you should consider a divorce"

 "You should go see this doctor"

"Your husband should get medicated"

"You shouldn't tolerate any of this"

The more she went on the more uncomfortable I felt.  I didn't know how to end the conversation and found myself trying to justify why I am still in this marriage.  I kept defending my husband and choices.  Serves me right for opening my mouth in the first place.  This is what happens when we allow others into our lives and personal matters.  They always want to know more and be forceful with their opinions.

Now, remember I didn't ask her for any help this time, nor did I request her opinion.  But, since I opened my mouth and shared a lot last time, she understood it as a green light to get involved in something she knows NOTHING about.

And this morning, I saw her walking into the building from afar and just ran away to avoid her.

I am not sure how to answer the next time she asks too many detailed questions.  Maybe I will go quiet or just say: "My therapist requested me not to discuss it with anyone anymore and I promised I won't".

Yep.  That's a good answer for now until I develop the strength and cunningness to stop others from getting too involved. How does one stop others without creating sensitivities?

 Till we meet again,

Sedeso

That Bag I Craved

Back in 2010, I walked into my boss's office to attend a meeting.  Immediately my eyes fell on a STUNNING bag.  I didn't know much about that brand but I fell in love with that bag.  The color, the cut, the material, my eyes feasted on it for the duration of that meeting.  

Later on, I found out the brand and that the stockists are limited and mainly in Europe.  It was Goyard. 

After that, everytime I passed by France, I somehow never found the time to pass by Goyard.  I did find the St; Louis PM sacs through personal shoppers and resellers.  But nothing tickled my fancy.  Not until I came across the Anjou:

This was pretty enough. I took the decision to buy it and tried through a personal shopped to source it despite the UK lockdown delays.  Everytime I was about to contact the personal shopper, something happened and stopped me.  Madre said maybe you're not meant to have this specific bag.

Anyways long story short, I found THAT bag, the model, the colour, preloved but in perfect condition and I couldn't help myself and click the payment button.

Here is my baby, 11 years onwards, the universe listened and landed THAT BAG I CRAVED on my plate.  

This is a small example how we get everything our heart craves if we are patient enough.  The universe does shuffle things in our advantage.  Hence, this is a reminder to hold on to my wishes and dreams.  I will get there somehow.

Till we meet again,

Sedeso

It's okay mama......

I am 40 years old yet I still display actions of immaturity.  

Last week, myself and hubby decided to take the kids out.  My little ones barely go out with this covid situation still lurking in the world.  They are homeschooled and indoors 80% of the time which is reflected in their behavior and fights.  And since being vaccinated, we decided to take them out once a week for their mental health.

Hubby decided to take us out to an old place to have gelato.  I did not want to go because a) I wanted to have breakfast and not gelato b) I hate that hubby dictates our outings based on his germaphobia c) I feel so frustrated with hubby most of the time after having spent lockdown and a year and a half with each other with no space.

So I put my foot down and said no, I won't go to the gelato place.  Hubby of course got angry and threatened to turn the car around and go home.  We kept throwing angry comments back and forth until my 4 year old said:  "Its okay mama, we can go to icecream shop next time?"

WHAT?

He was listening and paying attention to every word we said?

WHAT?

He spoke like a mature adult and compromised his fun outing for my stubbornness?

Again, WHAT?

How little I felt when my little one spoke.  How immature I acted. Hubby ofcourse shamed me until I forced him to shut it. But seriously, this boy is a blessing in my life.  It is true our children teach us more about ourselves and come into our lives with their own purpose of growth.  I am in awe of this boy of mine, what a boy, what a little gentleman.  So proud to be his mama.

Till we meet again,

Sedeso

What Women Want

What this woman wants is compiled in a long list of goals that is updated every new year.

What this woman wants has been put into a vision board that is prepared every new year eve.

What this woman wants is a mix of materialistic items, career milestones, health, wealth and a devoted and doting husband for life.

I was hesitant to share my wants but hey, what's the worst that could happen? Being labelled as materialistic?  That's not so bad.

I want:

-new car

-driver

-Goyard Anju PM handbag

-new designer work tote

-higher pay and title

-Bottega clutch

-Chanel flats

-Gucci Flats

-new designer wallet

-to lose 6kgs body weight in 8 weeks

-heal the broken parts of my heart

-a little more flexibility

-to become certified

-an international award

................ Hold on a second.  As I was writing down the list of wants, I was actually cringing.  I was thinking to myself: "if anyone reads this blog post, they will automatically assume I'm superficial and materialistic based on the content of the list".  I know that I am so much more than that.  I have so much more depth and soul to me.  But, why are we programmed to be ashamed of expressing what we want?  Why are we constantly worried about how others will view us?  Do any of us truly not care?  Is this even possible?

Or is it just me?

Till we meet again,

Sedeso

I'm Back

 I am back.

Nearly a decade later, married, with 3 children, 40 years old, starting a new job in another industry.  

I'm struggling in a sexless marriage, trying to keep things together for the sake of my image. If this marriage breaks down then I will consider myself a failure.  Others will consider me a failure too.  But I won't allow it.  I won't allow others to ever look down on me again.

I finally won in life.  The poor nerd, disliked by many, having made too many enemies over the years. 

The decision to come back was simple.  I needed to heal and evolve through blogging.  I've come a long way, and even though I'm going through some struggles.  I've done pretty well for myself.

I accomplished the major milestones: love, marriage, kids.  Next, I will focus on career development and achievements.

Till I blog again,

Sedeso