The face of Bullies

They walk in 2's or 3's and if you confront one of them, the others will answer you back. That's how bullies work. There's nothing tricky about them. All we need to do is look a little deeper to realize that their insides are stuffed with anger, bitterness, insecurity, and fear. Yes, fear.

Now tell me this, have you ever been approached by a bully, one-on-one? Rarely? See, they're afraid of the confrontation themselves and need their back-up, or shall I put it in a nicer way: their wings. Pussies!!

And let's not forget that they don't really have a lot of confidence to walk this world solo.

So bring 'em on.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
It's a sad day when one discovers that his colleagues are a bunch of losers, with no ambition and minds overflowing with superficiality. I need to grow 'out' of this place.

Oh God, please give me a promotion, 1 step higher with a 'nice' title. Something I can flaunt. And an increment would be lovely as the cherry on top.

Peep show of the day:
Till we meet again, 

Sedeso

Next destination

What will it be? Morocco? India? Egypt? London? Paris? Turkey?

It will all depend on whether I want to relax or shop and how many days I can take off.

Looking forward to my next holiday.

Till we meet again,

Sedeso

Changed

__________________________________

God, if I remain good for 40 days will you give me every man I ever desired in heaven? Can I be their Cleopatra and can they please feed me strawberries dipped in vanilla ice cream, chocolate, and honey all day long?

I'm a desperado lass in many ways.

-------------------------------
I was going through some old posts of mine and boy am I proud of myself. I have come a long way and both my personality and character have had some serious nip-tuck jobs.

In October 2006, I read a book that hit me smack in the face. It karate-chopped my beliefs in the perfect relationship. But I'll have to admit that my ideals of the perfect relationship still need some screwing about since they still are derived from fairytales.

A man does not marry a woman who is perfect. A man marries a woman who is interesting.

And tada!! Unknowingly, I have become less of a perfectionist 'for others' and more of an " I'll change because I want to and I like it" kind of woman. I find myself interesting and so is my lifestyle. I diss the few fans that I have and purposely ignore all the others, keeping my fantasies alive like a wildfire alongside. What I am trying to say is that unknowingly I have become this imperfect, interesting woman.

Coveted item du jour: This Prada clutch.

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

"Quote"" you've changed =/ "

that was in my "honesty" box the other day. that's all. there was nothing more at all as if to tease my mind and soul with some empty declaration about my character.

YOU HAVE CHANGED

hmm . they are so right. i have changed. However, is change not needed for the survival, existence, and success in life? Why does change always have to be a bad thing? If I was still the same person that I was in second grade then I'd be crying because you don't want to "play with me" or losing my sweater at work every day.
I learned almost three years ago that change is inevitable in life. As much as you fight, scratch, and pull at God's feet ... he has a plan and "change" in your life. People are born, people die, people become famous, people move away, people change. Life's lessons and experiences have changed me, yes. death, heartache, betrayal, disappointment, and life have changed me. I am a harder person. I am a colder person in some aspects of my life. However, I don't regret who I've become. I am a stronger person. I embrace life more than I ever have before. I love my family and friends more, appreciate them for their love & support. I can see the sincerity in people now. I am a more honest person (with others and myself). Life's insignificant nuances don't sway me. I don't try to please everyone anymore. I live for God, family, REAL friends and what I feel is right for me. I am happy and embracing life full force. I like my change.
I don't think the mystery person meant to be malicious or disrespectful. Perhaps it was just something for me to think about. However, if they knew me before i "changed" ... then they would know that i never have and never will ...LIVE FOR SOMEONE ELSE'S APPROVAL44

.  "Unquote"

Merry-go-round

Oh my, Oh my, Oh my .... I want this Mr. Karl
with all the trinkets too.
Till we meet again,
Sedeso

Mes yeux

Until the age of 20? I hated my eyes. They never seemed normal to me. Huge eyelids, brown, almond-shaped, with large pupils and average lashes. Hated them. I wanted smaller, lighter-colored eyes with bigger lashes.

Unknowingly I seem to have spent the last 27 years of my life comparing myself and qualities to others, disregarding all the beauty in me, all the strong qualities I possessed, and all the blessings I was bestowed with. It is only now that I realize I have spent half a lifetime in the shadows of comparisons allowing the neediness and greediness to eat me up. And that is scary, not the feelings but the greed of wanting all the good of others.

Now, every time I realize I am envying someone else's blessings I stop myself: say to myself: Good for them. wish them luck and amplitude more of the blessings and perhaps God is kind enough to endow me with a few too.

Donc, back to my eyes. I wore contacts once and applied dark black kohl and voila, I was instantly transformed into a vixen and everyone commented and complimented my 'exotic, full of desire' eyes. Apparently, huge pupils are a sign of beauty, to absorb the loved ones into them and huge eyelids are perfect to play with eyeshadows on. Oh yeah, and the almond shape, apparently this is what perfect eyes are meant to be.

So, now, I love my eyes and accentuate their beauty at every opportunity I get. But the problem is that I am exhausting them with too much reading and spending too long a time on the web. Dark circles and bloodshot veins are becoming a norm and this is catastrophic. I must preserve my beauty by not letting it wither away.

Therefore, my recommended item du jour:

Hylexin

They say the eyes are the window to one's soul, so be good, sleep well and always believe you are the perfect creation of HIM.

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

Post-trip

Boss saw me and shouted across the corridor: welcome back. Felt nice that he noticed my absence. And when we sat together, I looked at him again, but not in an obsessive way. So the good news is that my unhealthy yet foolish infatuation is slowly diminishing.

The worrying news is that I have requested a transfer within the department and he told me he'll try his best. If it works, then that's a huge step forward for me. If it doesn't, then at least I have the higher education backup plan. Please God, let me get promoted faster. I need to soar as I feel constricted in my current position.

-----------------------------------------

Back from a lovely trip with fewer purchases than I'd hoped for.

So my coveted items du jour will include the ones that got away:

Till we meet again,

Sedeso

Primary Muse

She's cute, isn't she? So since I resemble her I shouldn't complain. This is why I need a slap right across my face. Honestly, it is ludicrous the way I swing between feeling like a femme fatale one minute and then finding myself as an Ugly Betty, wishing that God created me as a more picture-perfect version of myself. Is this behavior due to the fact that I still place all matters under either a black or white code and I am yet to settle all my decisions in the grey area?

But I know that, given the chance, and if plastic surgery were pain-free and its' results were 101% certain, then I'd cross that line and opt for the surgery that will turn me into the perfect swan. Now the problem is, I'm not confident as to whom I'd like to resemble.

So until I decided on which muse I'd like to morph into, here's a beautiful woman in my opinion: Joelle Bohlok, former Miss Lebanon 1997.

Just look at her perfect profile

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

I'm in Love

Yes, I am in Love, with Paris ofcourse. What is there not to love about Paris? Absolument rien. Nada, nothing at all. So instead of going on and on about this gem of a city, I would first like to apologize to Fashionista, for belittling her Paris to my London. I admit that my London will not even come close to her Paris.

On my way to Galerie Lafayette, I stopped by a little door that held a huge sign called Paris Story. We went in, paid 9 euros each and watched for nearly an hour he history of how Paris became the city it is today. The storyteller was a man in Love with Paris itself, none other than the Victor Hugo. Here he is by 3D illumination:

And he described her best when he said: As a beautiful woman.

The feeling of preserved history is evident in the buildings and here is Galerie Lafayette

and Le Cathedral de Notredame
And I got what I wanted: I got to celebrate my birthday at the Moulin Rouge.

Thank you God for giving me something I wanted. I look forward to having more of my wishes and dreams come true.

I know not how best to describe this gem of a city that I have fallen in love with, and I doubt I can top Victor Hugo's description, but I will settle for my sentiments of awe.

[insert FFWD: April 2010: I distinctively remember The One calling me while in Paris and wishing me a Happy Birthday 2 or 3 days after that, but I'm not sure if we've met or not. So did we swap numbers and talk on the phone?]

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

demi-updates

Crush update: Cutie pie was busy, but I just had to make an appearance, especially after another senior commented on how fab I looked today. So I walked into the office with a smile, insisting this will only take 2 minutes. Offered my help and silly old me requested even more work. Stupid right. I'm always asking for stress. So it seems like I have another huge departmental presentation in 2 weeks time.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Major update: Received my Travel Docs albeit arriving after the consulate closed. It's finally working  (touch wood), the law of attraction in my life that is. I hope I can bag myself a promotion and a payrise for now. So this means I'm off to Paris in 2 days time and will celebrate my birthday in the Moulin Rouge.

And I'm looking forward to visiting the Chanel stores there.

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

Rraaoowwrrr

Here we go again. I am officially an infatuated woman and it's not funny anymore. I should've gotten over the whole groupie/crush feelings but nope. They're still here. They're just not as psychotic or manic as before.

I caught myself walking to the window 3 times this morning to see if his car was at the car park's yet. And by coincidence, as I was walking into the building, guess whose back I saw from afar?

Yes, you're right. And can you guess what I did? Predictable aren't I? Rushing after him and pretending that I am going into the room right next to the escalators only to be able to greet him.

Just like a school girl.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

The One on Hottie

To label this as a "crush on my boss" wouldn't be accurate since my mild infatuation started way back in 1997. I was interning and he gave us a lecture. He was tall, fit, well-spoken and well-dressed.  I don't know what happened and why it happened but remember clearly thinking to myself: he's cute, I don't mind being with him. And bang, 10 years later, I'm working for him. Now if this isn't the law of attraction then I don't know what is.

I still find him very fit at 45.

Coveted item du jour: This Matthew Williamson

Till we meet again,

Sedeso

I am beautiful

Christina Aguilera sang: I am beautiful, no matter what they say.

And I tend to sing it whenever I am surrounded by supermodels forgetting that I can almost fit into that group.

But recently, I have been staring at myself in the front-view mirror of my car admiringly, or even on any reflective surface, and repeating to myself: I am so beautiful it's shocking.

And I'm sure it's working wonders for my self-esteem and Fanclub (lol, as if)

Incident 1: I bump into one of my cute bosses on his way out, 2mins later I get the following text: Hola Guapa, you seem to be getting prettier by the second.<=== wow, to the point and shocking since I thought I looked cute but not a guapa, not today. I guess some people appreciate natural beauty.

Incident 2: Lately I've noticed one of my older, yet fitter bosses in a different way. Yes, I will admit, dirty thoughts have crept into my mind and I've bugged Naddy about it. Unknowingly using telepathy, I was staring at him (sideways) and imagining all sorts of scenarios if I end up with someone like him. At tea break time, I was wandering and suddenly found him pointing and waving at me trying to tell me something. He came towards me and I spoke first ( I doubt he had anything to say) and told him I received a copy of the manual. He asked me why didn't I give you a copy already and I said: No you didn't. With this reply, I looked straight into his eyes and I swear he is too cute.

Anyways, I am too beautiful no matter what they say.

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

Envy

Before I start whining, allow me to share with you a story Yaz told me. Not a story but a fact.

When God created us, he gave each and every one of us 24 carats in the form of blessings which included health, money, beauty, kindness, intelligence, humbleness, sincerity, healthy children, a long life, a loving family, ...etc. Of course, the ratio in which it was distributed per individual varied. I might get 20 carats of intelligence and just 2 carats of beauty.

Moral of the story: What you may lack in one blessing, you make up in another. We must always remember that God is the kindest and wisest: He gives us according to what he believes is best for us.

Now had this been a movie/book, the heroine would have learned her lesson and become a more accepting, content person. But then again, I am merely a human being and just like the moon have a dark side.  I have a sitting on one shoulder and an angel sitting on the other, each whispering sweet somethings and tugging at my hair that I feel very weak inside.

Why have I become slightly superficial all over again? I suddenly find the cuckoo woman in me suddenly asking God: You couldn't have created me more beautiful now, could you? It's so simple for you to pick me up and drop me on a mountain of diamonds, right?

Am I a bad person for behaving and thinking in this way? I believe I am not, but my demons know how to torture me,

For example, just yesterday, after I entered the palace, I couldn't help but want it for myself. I forgot about our gorgeous abode and stunningly eclectic wardrobe and sporty car and everything else HE gave me. And when I saw those humongous diamonds dangling from her ears I thought to myself: I want those, again forgetting my own jewelry that everyone compliments me on when I wear them.

I understand that it is perfectly normal to be as greedy as I am, but I must somehow get rid of those poisonous greed pebbles that are draining the energy and happiness out of my soul.

Yet again, I want all those things I saw yesterday. 

I feel torn but very angry at my weak soul. Yet the greed in me has already traveled in my bloodstream and settled in my kidneys were filtering it out is nearly impossible unless surgery is performed to remove the dead spots in it.

But I wonder, did she not, not even the slightest bit envy me at all?

Please forgive me and help me through these emotionally turbulent times.

Perhaps she envied the fact that I was allowed more freedom and independency that she ever got.

Or perhaps she envied the fact that I am slimmer (Oh Lord, here comes the insane vanity, lol)

Or peut-etre, she envied my.... I don't know. She does seem to have more carats than just the average 24 that I seem to have been blessed with.

God, please forgive me, because I truly am struggling to become content with everything you have given me and keep on giving me.

At least there's a positive change from within that I am very pleased to announce: I've started praying for others, not just for myself. Thank God there's a sliver of selflessness that is starting to shine through the small rip in my heart.

-----------------------------------------------

An image: During one of my sessions, I had to imagine my heart. What was interesting was that I saw a pink heart with white tissue, a deep red core, and a burnt, black crispy posterior. Now if I had to explain this vision/image, I'd say the blackness is all the negativity, bitterness and that is slowly flaking off and soon to be long gone; the deep red core is the new and wonderful me, emerging and regrowing (notice how I never cease to describe myself as wonderful, lol); the white tissue indicating the purity within me and the pink reflecting..... I'm not quite sure.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This year, I would like to celebrate my birthday at the Moulin Rouge cabaret.


Till we meet again,
Sedeso

Halfway down the road

There's a good enough reason why I stopped listening to Love Music. It's my soppy extra-sensitive nature that tears up at the slightest figment of emotion. And with all the emotional fiesta going on inside of me as I venture onto this funny road of self-discovery, the last thing I should be doing is watching a romantic flick that will unleash the water floods and prevent me from a good night's sleep.

And

that's exactly what I did. Although my eyes couldn't remain open anymore, I was forcing them to watch Ashley Judd and Hugh Jackman's "Somebody like you". I cried because at some points along the plotline I identified with the heroine and at other times I cried even more because like the other 40 million women on this planet, I do want her to find 'true love', the stuff of fairy tales.

And

I wondered. Again, for the umpteenth million times. How does it happen? How do people meet, fall in love with each other equally and decide that they'd like to spend the rest of their lives together in harmony? (Note: if you can give me tips in this direction I will forever be grateful to you).

Then, I remembered that perhaps this sobfest was due to the imbalance in my hormones at the moment: the medication, auntie flow, and the constant struggle between my ying and yang that hasn't been settled. (Always easy to blame external factors).

But it's okay, because I'm enjoying this self-discovery experience with my therapist and learning what a wonderful and beautiful person I truly am. Really. I love myself but it's not enough. I should love my faults too. And once I've accepted myself, my guilt, my mistakes, my emotions fully, that I shall reach another level of sainthood, lol, I mean satisfaction.

Anyhows, alongside this journey, I also happen to have completed Elizabeth Gilbert's eat pray love. My means of transformation are different. It's not easy for an Arab woman to leave everything and travel the world in search for 'the truth' unfortunately. The closest thing I can do is take time-off from work and travel with the girls somewhere nice.

Right now, I have my eyes closed, and am in begging mode, wishing that I can have a truly wonderful trip to celebrate my birthday, or myself and the wonderful woman I am becoming.
(trip details shall be revealed shortly)

Have a blessed journey,
till we meet again
Sedeso

Road to Enlightment

While my work colleagues are forwarding silly emails to each other, I've taken my therapists advice to heart and am trying my ultimate best to enjoy my work. Apparently once I start enjoying my work, regardless of what it is, I will shine and succeed so fast that I won't even have the time to count my blessings. So here I am, laboring over the tiniest details and remembering that

1) I must focus on one thing at a time

2) I will only excel by loving what I do ( so true, and if I went back over the times I excelled, I was actually enjoying myself so much.)

3) my happiness is in my own hands

4) life is beautiful and we must enjoy it.

And because of the last reason, I have decided to celebrate my coming birthday and enjoy it.  Any ideas?

---------------------------------------------
From one of the silly forwarded emails I got:

Maisa Moghrabi. Does anyone of you find her pretty? I find something very fake about her and I cannot quite put my finger on why she doesn't make my gorgeous ladies list? Could it be that her beauty is predictable? Or perhaps Tranny-like?
Or am I actually plain jealous of how gorgeous she is?

Till we meet again,
Sedeso