Envy

Before I start whining, allow me to share with you a story Yaz told me. Not a story but a fact.

When God created us, he gave each and every one of us 24 carats in the form of blessings which included health, money, beauty, kindness, intelligence, humbleness, sincerity, healthy children, a long life, a loving family, ...etc. Of course, the ratio in which it was distributed per individual varied. I might get 20 carats of intelligence and just 2 carats of beauty.

Moral of the story: What you may lack in one blessing, you make up in another. We must always remember that God is the kindest and wisest: He gives us according to what he believes is best for us.

Now had this been a movie/book, the heroine would have learned her lesson and become a more accepting, content person. But then again, I am merely a human being and just like the moon have a dark side.  I have a sitting on one shoulder and an angel sitting on the other, each whispering sweet somethings and tugging at my hair that I feel very weak inside.

Why have I become slightly superficial all over again? I suddenly find the cuckoo woman in me suddenly asking God: You couldn't have created me more beautiful now, could you? It's so simple for you to pick me up and drop me on a mountain of diamonds, right?

Am I a bad person for behaving and thinking in this way? I believe I am not, but my demons know how to torture me,

For example, just yesterday, after I entered the palace, I couldn't help but want it for myself. I forgot about our gorgeous abode and stunningly eclectic wardrobe and sporty car and everything else HE gave me. And when I saw those humongous diamonds dangling from her ears I thought to myself: I want those, again forgetting my own jewelry that everyone compliments me on when I wear them.

I understand that it is perfectly normal to be as greedy as I am, but I must somehow get rid of those poisonous greed pebbles that are draining the energy and happiness out of my soul.

Yet again, I want all those things I saw yesterday. 

I feel torn but very angry at my weak soul. Yet the greed in me has already traveled in my bloodstream and settled in my kidneys were filtering it out is nearly impossible unless surgery is performed to remove the dead spots in it.

But I wonder, did she not, not even the slightest bit envy me at all?

Please forgive me and help me through these emotionally turbulent times.

Perhaps she envied the fact that I was allowed more freedom and independency that she ever got.

Or perhaps she envied the fact that I am slimmer (Oh Lord, here comes the insane vanity, lol)

Or peut-etre, she envied my.... I don't know. She does seem to have more carats than just the average 24 that I seem to have been blessed with.

God, please forgive me, because I truly am struggling to become content with everything you have given me and keep on giving me.

At least there's a positive change from within that I am very pleased to announce: I've started praying for others, not just for myself. Thank God there's a sliver of selflessness that is starting to shine through the small rip in my heart.

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An image: During one of my sessions, I had to imagine my heart. What was interesting was that I saw a pink heart with white tissue, a deep red core, and a burnt, black crispy posterior. Now if I had to explain this vision/image, I'd say the blackness is all the negativity, bitterness and that is slowly flaking off and soon to be long gone; the deep red core is the new and wonderful me, emerging and regrowing (notice how I never cease to describe myself as wonderful, lol); the white tissue indicating the purity within me and the pink reflecting..... I'm not quite sure.

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This year, I would like to celebrate my birthday at the Moulin Rouge cabaret.


Till we meet again,
Sedeso