To Faisal

From LV's 2009 collection. Cute, but I wonder what they're like when worn.

My darling.

I do not wish you to be born. I wish this not because of how cruel life can be. On the contrary, life is too beautiful to miss out on. Life is so enjoyable and worth living that I hope mine is prolonged and I am able to make the most of it.

The reason my wish is so morbid and it is because I love you more than my love for life itself.

I love you deeply and my emotions are too intense that I fear those exact overwhelming emotions might kill you. I don't think I am capable of handling this much love.

This is why at the mere mention of me ever having you, I get overwhelmed, shut down completely, and deny I even want you.

I want you to know though that I do love you in a way, I myself am surprised by.

Till we meet again,

Sedeso

PS: Faisal. Your birthday is coming up soon. 4th of May to be exact. You would have turned 5 this year. Happy birthday my beloved. I hope I never forget you. 

An explanation

Every time I see a family walking together in a public place, something cringes inside of me and I feel slightly repulsed. The family would be a man, his wife, holding one child's hand and pushing the second in a pram. [insert FFWD: May 2010: This is one reason that is hindering your matrimonial process and I am glad you are getting to terms with it young one]

To some, this image may indicate stability. But to me, this means the woman is slightly oppressed and is the weaker being in the relationship. And I hate this. I grew up seeing my strong mother being obedient to my close-minded father. I grew up witnessing my father beat up my mother on a few occasions with a stick.

I was always in the middle of these heated arguments, interfering, shouting with them, begging them to stop and begging him to stop hitting her. I would get promises of severe beating if I didn't leave the room immediately. Frightened, I'd leave the room and call my grandparents to come and rescue my mother from the physical abuse.

I cannot stand the thought of men being in control. This is why I tend to ooze strength and put men off. I walk too fast and am always ready to attack them. A part of me is so angry at men that when I see anyone okay looking in a mall, I feel negative and think to myself how ugly he is. But at the same time, I have strong urges that make me fall for so many of the people I work with.

Perhaps this is one reason why a part of me is blocked and refuses the idea of marriage.

And although I may have claimed to have gotten over Agent 009 before, I know I haven't. At least not 100%.

The question remains: Will I ever meet anyone and fall in love with mutually, who even comes close to him? [insert FFWD: May 2010: You just might and life has always surprised you]

Dear God, I would like to believe that this is possible and that perhaps there might be someone better suited for me. Yet that part of my life remains a huge mystery. The rest is up to you because I remain exhausted from asking for the same thing 7 years in a row.

___________________________

On a brighter note, mom just called me from the wedding and told me how everyone expected me to be there. Apparently, the girl I met at the opening yesterday, Zizi told everyone that I was stunning and they've all been dying to see me.

I don't want to feel guilty about not going so I better get my act together and finish up my paperwork at least to justify my not being at that fabulous wedding.

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

Life is funny....not in that way

I have the exact outfit but my belt is vintage and way cuter. And this is the exact outfit I wore in London to celebrate my 2008 New Year's. I opted for this because I couldn't fathom wearing a dress in that freezing weather.

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Attended a Mhendi night tonight and fate seated me next to Agent 009 aunt. Turns out my family knew her family since mom and aunties blabbered the night away.

Her son married a girl too ordinary for my standards: Priya, who also did her masters at my college.

Life is funny you know. Really funny.

At one time in my life, in a split of a second, I did consider the following: What if I got together with (her son)? Back then I didn't make the link that he was the first cousin of Agent 009.[insert FFWD: June 2010: Now you know why they chose to marry her obviously.  It is who her grandfather is.]

Makes me wonder what the future holds for me?

And looking forward to this Chanel memoir, which will air in French:

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

New hottie

Was reluctant to put this picture in my report, and did not at the end.
________________________________

My heart skipped another beat yet again.

Another boss, a newer story, another crush, another infatuation.

I am desperate for some intimacy, I know that for a fact. Otherwise, I wouldn't have been drooling over every average-looking man.

But this one has a high position within my workplace. And everybody, I mean everybody stresses what a wonderful person he is.

I sat with him and felt wonderful. He has a good aura about him. I found myself staring right in his eyes (a very rare action from yours truly).

So what shall we call this hottie? [insert FFWD: May 2010: All men you end up calling hottie proves that these feelings are meaningless, and one day they will all mesh into a foggy memory]

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

2 asses

Great, now there's 2 of them. 2 Palestinians a cow, and a bull.

Why is it that as I grow up, I still witness childlike behavior from 30+-year-olds? Some things never change. And some people never grow up. Definitely, a bunch of losers, and the best way to be with them is treating them like they don't exist. That ought to piss them off even more. Lol. And that's what I do best.

__________________________

Juj invited me to a high school reunion, and I'm so glad I went. No one went from my year and 10 years onwards, I still don't entirely fit in. But, I am the luckiest to have had the opportunity to experience such a lavish and spoilt education.

Academic Memories

1. Men In Black, Pulp Fiction performances, Abdul group performance, Latino duet, Arabic Assembley, in addition to Ibn Zaytoun play.  

2. Homecoming Room

Till we meet again,

Sedeso

Feeling grey

Changes in the workplace.

-Khidiya gets a higher position and ends up having 3 staff working under him.

-Palestinian cow gets to work in events management.

-The girl who doesn't get any work done gets to head her own team.

-2 new Indian recruits have been moved here instead of being fired and get huge responsibilities.

And what does yours truly get?

My new objective gets put on hold and I become responsible for all administrative work relating to the initiative.

To go with my somber mood:

Helmut Lang

DKNY

Bottega Veneta

I am not happy. I feel unimportant. And I am pissed off that a secretary gets more opportunities than educated, old me.

But what to do?

عسى أن تكرهوا شيئا وهو خير لكم

Till we meet again,

Sedeso

Dark Circles

Great ideas for evening gowns. Let's see how I can manipulate the designs.

Sometimes, nope, most of the time, I am very restless because of my impatience. My mind tends to overthink and I cannot sleep. I remain half awake, half asleep, and wake up looking like a zombie. This is affecting my looks. My dark circles are getting deeper and darker. It feels like there is a dent on top of my cheeks. The fact that I have gained weight and my cheeks have popped out, making my eyes smaller doesn't help my hollow dark circles either. I wish I can fill it with botox or anything similar.

____________________-

I wonder what changes will happen to the current Initiative ?

Till we meet again,

Sedeso

Asses

I work with a bunch of asses. Yep, you heard it right and I would like to make it official. Those people, and by people I mean my head and the Director are project killers, party poopers and assholes.

Dear God, please let me work with decent professionals.

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

That nasty man...

_____________________________

I met a variety of men in my life through studies, work, friends, online, each more different than the other. And I would like to refer to one of them as the devil reincarnated.

He considered every woman, other than his sisters and mother, to be whores. He was so convinced by it and exaggerated all their actions as indecent. He played pranks on guys and lied about everything that until this day, I have no clue who he really was.

His lie was too obviously fabricated, yet I was too naive that I believed a brother of a 'King' wouldn't own a car, require a scholarship, and always be short on cash.

He once confessed that his sister was abused by her husband and I will only say one word in response: Karma.

Why is so much of the past memories coming back to me?

_____________________

I wonder: who'd marry me? [insert FFWD: May 2010: A wonderful man we all hope, someone worthy, who will be madly in love with you and reciprocate your feelings sweetheart. Remember what your younger brother said: that you are educated, independent and straight and all men would be lucky to have you. So if your younger brother seems to think so then keep on believing that this delay is for the best]

[insert FWD: 2021: A wonderful wonderful man marries you who is the right match and he is a Godsend, so please work a bit more on your self-sabotage issues]

Till we meet again,

Sedeso

What if?

I've come across too many men through work, college, friendship, and crushes. I remember when I turned 25, I took a head-count of my crushes and I've actually crushed over 25 men, 1 for each year I've been alive.  Some of those I was obsessed with like the actor Jonathan Brandis.  Do other people have crushes as easily as I do on the opposite sex?

Now I look back and wonder: why?

I was too young when I started being interested in boys and stalking the ones I liked.  I was the one who went after them. And I did all I could to get them to like me. One male after the other, never stopping at all, never taking a breather to reflect upon what I was doing right or wrong. 

I wonder now, a month before turning 28, had I lived an interest-free life from boys, would I have found a man to have a stable relationship with? Or would my hybrid background still be affecting my chances? [insert FFWD: May 2010: This has nothing to do with getting hitched and finding love my child ]

I ask you this question?

Till we meet again,

Sedeso

Feeling Safe

____________________________

I remember how safe I felt with Agent 009.

" As long as you're with me, don't ever be afraid. You got it?"

Yes, I did get it and I lived it. I felt so safe and secure, the most I have felt it in my whole life.

In this Turkish Drama, Asmar told Nadine, never to be afraid. He is always there protecting her from all external perils including a psychotic ex-husband.

Will I ever feel this safe again?

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

PS: That voice inside my head is telling me that I do not need a man to make me safe.

But

I am tired of having to take care of myself, all on my own. And I'm even more tired of asking God for someone to take care of me.

Tick Tock, Tick Tock
Its closing down on the 7 year prophecy dear clock
There are so many negative thoughts that I cannot block
So help me, with a miracle and do not mock
my inner thoughts that usually shock

Movies

I'm looking forward to watching the following movies.

Little Ashes (as mentioned in a previous post)


500 days of Summer


The Edge of Love


Phoebe in Wonderland


Dans Paris


The Darjeeling Limited


David and Layla


Till we meet again,
Sedeso

Revival

I am.... I'm perplexed, how to explain this....

Everyone is telling me that I look pretty, that my complexion is glowing, and that I look happy. They keep repeating that something looks different and refreshing about me.

I guess it is true then, that people can tell when you've fallen in love. I won't call it that, but I'll refer to it as flushed complexion and a yearning in my loins for none other than Sexy Voice.

Thank you Sexy Voice for giving me a high and making my day. I hope that you live up to my expectations and that we have lots of honest fun together.

Inspired, here's something that reflects what emotions have been shortly revived within me. (Oscar De La Renta). I believe I should go back to being skinny again.

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

Drools over him...

1. Preen2. Forgot it.

3. Paul and Joe Sis

4.

5. Paul and Joe

6. Philosophi Di Alberta Ferretti

Another encounter with Sexy Voice.

"Heart eyes"

_______________________
I was 5 mins late to class, rushing to the right building when I noticed from the periphery of my eyesight a western guy in jeans and a checkered top. Totally ignored him and walked as fast as I could (btw I'm a fast walker, it usually looks like I'm running, and I despise girls who purposely walk slow and accentuate every step with a hip/ass move).

I need to exit a door at the same time as another girl is attempting to enter it. Suddenly I hear : Someone's in a rush!

It was him. It was that hypnotizing voice. My God, he has a soothing voice.

I looked at his Adonis face and got absorbed by it all over again. (It's funny that I still have no idea what his body shape is like). I told him how nervous I was about my midterm results. He walked with me and seemed interested in prolonging the conversation.

He told me he's taking Organizational Behaviour and that it's a very tough subject, showing me how huge and thick the coursebook is (what a baby, lol. I devour such books within a weeks time when I'm in the mood)

Till we meet again,

Sedeso

The white Flag

I entered my room, dropped off my books and the phone rings.

Mom: You must come now (loud wedding singing in the background), everything here is amazing.

Me: I just got home.

Mom: Just put anything on and come and see how amazing the decor is. It's the wedding of the century.

Me: I can attend it but I am so not in the mood.

Mom: Just imagine, each table is decorated......etc. Why don't you come and learn a thing or two.

Me: Mom, you check everything out for me.

Click!!

I did not want to attend this wedding for 1 reason only. I am not married yet. For as long as I can remember, I have been planning and preparing myself for Holy Matrimony. But nothing happened. So why should I attend a glamorous wedding, feel jealous from the bride, feel sorry for myself and my singleton status?

I am tired of waiting.

I give up.

So I give up on ever being married to a beau of my dreams. I believe it will be easier for me to become rich and build my own palace than marrying a desirable beau.

So for now, I shall just look for an affair to keep me going. I kinda miss having my heart love-struck then broken into a million little pieces.

Decor of the Day:

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

PS: I am going to pray now, not because of my fear from judgment day but from fear from Ghosts.

A place to wed?

Found this on another blog.  I have always wanted to get hitched outdoors.

Sometimes, excuse me, alot of the time, I feel bitter as to why God didn't make me prettier, or smarter, or wealthier. And nowadays, all I am concerned about is becoming wealthy. Right now, money would definitely buy me happiness. I am so greedy nowadays.

I am sure you're all bored of my greed rantings.

Till we meet again,

Sedeso

Many quotes

Looovvviiinngg this look.

Too many quotes that I liked and decided to share. From an anonymous writer and a change champions paper.

- " Hope springs eternal in the Human Breast"

- Many persons cry out with Shakespeare's Juliet : Come weep with me.... past hope, past cure, past help" They are trapped in situations and relationships that are destructive and depleting, moving from resistance to complete resignation.

- Life is consciousness. You live in a world of your own thinking. Things may happen around you. Things may happen to you, but the only things that count are the things that happen in you.

- The winds of circumstances may blow, and not always in the way you want them to.

- You can choose between fear of faith, despair or hope, pessimism or constructive thinking.

We ignore some insults and take offense at others. We may laugh at some difficulties and surrender to others. We may make stepping out of some obstacles and stumbling blocks out of others.

- Sir Julian Hexley says: Experience is not what happens to a person, it is what he does with what happens to him.

- There is an oriental axiom that says: you may not be able to keep the birds from flying over the nest but you can keep them from building nests in your hair.

One thing you cannot do anything about is the past, those wasted years that are beyond recall.

Till we meet again,

Sedeso