Pre-Lebanon

أحبك يا حيوانة

That's what he texted me this morning.  I am happy because there was no trigger this time.  Neither did I say it nor did I even hint.  It was a spontaneous bbm that made me happy.

Minutes before that I woke him up since this is his last day in Europe.  It is also my last day before Beirut Baby. So we will both be traveling on the same day to different destinations.  Can't wait to see my baby when I get back.

Also, My heart melted when his voice turned gooey and he said: فديتها .  His sister has just had a baby girl and his mama sent him the pic of the baby.  This is yet another proof of how much he loves children.  I hope, truly hope that we can have our own babies too. Inshalla.  You never know.

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I am packed, and even my boarding pass has been printed.  Tomorrow early morning I am off to Lebanon for a short trip.  I'm also attending Naddy's wedding.  Yaaay, cannot wait. 

 

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

Worry worry, go away....

I think too much, this everybody knows about me.  I do not understand the meaning of an idle mind because I doubt I have ever experienced it.  And sometimes when I am all alone and my mind is rolling, I remember incidents from my past such as the marathon I ran and cheated my way to winning and not shaking hands with the Embassador in Londres.  I cringe when I remember those incidents which makes me want to crawl into a ball and hide in a corner.

Why do I feel this way after all those years?  Why do such incidents still make me cringe?  Have I not made peace with myself and my past? 

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Baby rooms: how cute:

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

A Salad of Emotions

Okay, my broth is boiling today.  It's a mixture of fear, slight anger, anxiety, and wonder.  It's mostly that feeling of waiting for something to happen that will change the path my life is taking.  Something positive of course.

And the other day, I found myself checking out married men, who are dark-skinned, bearded, chubby, and average.  OMG, another light-bulb popping: am I envisioning myself with my beau in a matrimonial situation hence the attractiveness of these ineligible men?  Makes sense somehow.

My Lebanon trip is in 5 days' time yet I haven't even started packing, which is so unlike me. 

And death has been on my mind a lot.  I don't want to say I am afraid but simply am aware that Mr. Death can visit anybody at any time.  This is affecting my prayers positively making them regular.  It is also affecting my relationship because every night I remind him that I love and adore him in case either one of us dies. 

Dear God, please send some inner peace towards me.  I do want to sleep well.

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

On Pregnancy

On pregnancy:

Would you believe me if I told you I am not as petrified of having babies as I was before?  This is because of the following reasons:

1) Some women are more fit and toned after marriage than before.  

2) If you want to avoid having too many stretch marks, then do not gain too much weight during pregnancy to avoid the skin stretching too much.  The average is 9-15kg.

3) The One is aware that a woman's body changes with babies and he sees nothing wrong with that.

4) I can opt for a caesarian (simple)

Till we meet again

Sedeso

Y tu Mama Tambien

I've been wanting to find out his mother's name ever since I met him mainly to include it in my prayers.  You see when you mention someone in a pleading prayer, you say their first name and who their mama is.  Then I became more curious about his mother's name since that Christian woman said she can say a prayer that will bind us in holy matrimony.  When it became slightly harder, I decided to give up on finding out.

And yesterday, he told me his mother's name. I asked he asked me why, and before I replied why he told me, as simple as that.  At the back of my mind, I was surprised and I never asked directly for the name before simply because most men fear that if anyone finds out their mother's name then they will suffer from black magic (as is the case with his ex).  But now, after months, I asked and he answered.  I assume that the universe gave me this piece of information at the right time, where my belief in fate is at its strongest.  Had I know her name months ago, I might have resorted to desperate measures and gotten others involved.  But now, I am thinking twice before informing others.  I will simply use her name is pure prayers: if it is meant to be, I hope he is betrothed to me, and if it's not meant to be, then the universe has a plan regardless of how painful it may be.  However, I will hope for the best because you never know what will happen, right?

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Beautiful Moroccon Djelbabs

Oh yeah, before I forget, the slightly ironic fact is: her name is the same as that of Agent 009's mother: Mary.

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

Exit Four: The mommy realization stop. Once the beautiful bundle of joy is placed in a woman's arms, a new love emerges in a woman. A love of greatness that she never knew she possessed. A void will be filled that she was never aware that she had. A child will open a new door in a woman's heart that shows her what absolute unconditional love feels like.

Demonstrate your Love

Beautiful hair, wavy not curly.

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Love means different things to different people.  A fact.

Different people demonstrate love differently.  Another fact.

So why then, do we all try to make our love lives follow in what the current media, magazines, books and fairy tales say?  And why won't I get these two facts hammered into my brain?

To some, and in this example I specify Arabs, when a man loves a woman, the only way to demonstrate it is to ask for her hand in marriage, because to them nothing else will prove love but a solitaire ring on her finger.  To those same people, loving a woman means dressing her in designers and diamonds and spending extravagantly regardless of the huge debt that is burdening a man's shoulders.

But some men beg to differ on demonstrating love.  Some men do spoil a woman as a means of showing love.  Others think cheating doesn't count since it is meaningless as long as he goes home every night to the woman he loves.  A few men demonstrate their love to a woman by remaining faithful (sigh, the best kind).

So what brought these ideas on?

I fell out with my mother by sms yesterday and in her last reply, she texted: at least your cousins love their mother....  Today I thought to myself: AHA.  Mother keeps saying they love their mother, as if we don't love her.  So obviously her understanding of showing a mother you love her is the way my cousins are doing it not the way we silently love her.  She must remember that my father was the one who smothered us with hugs and kisses as we were growing up, not her, oddly enough.

And automatically I had a Ta Da moment.  I do this with my man too.  I am constantly telling him he doesn't love me enough and if he does then why won't he demonstrate it?  Besides the fact that my expectations from any ordinary man are sky-rocket high, I seldom remember Bondiyah and wonder why The One won't be or act the same.  Very unfair from my side since they are different people and this one has purer feelings towards me and is faithful (so far, keep my fingers crossed).

I love this man and yesterday I bbmed him saying:

يا أغلى إنسان في حياتي

This is a lesson for me.  A reminder too.  I am blessed, regardless of the little nuisances and should be thankful for everything, especially for having this man in my life.  He does love me deeply and his ways of showing it are very different to mine.  I could be kind and blame it on his lack of serious relationships with decent ladies.  I must accept him and love him the way he is and not expect much from him, other than faithfulness.

اللهم إني أعوذ بك من زوال نعمتك وتحول عافيتك وفجأة نقمتك وجميع سخطك

Till we meet again,

Sedeso  

The Trip

Post from the past.

Went back to Londres after so long only to be with The One.... and with the few problems that came up it was a good trip that brought us closer together.  I even took him for an eye checkup (made him proud in front of the consultant) and showed him my old student residence whilst having doner. I love this man, he is my everything.

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

A Material Girl

I've been with him for over a year now and my expectations of monetary support are growing.  True, I am an independent woman, but a woman must be provided for and taken care of.  Nearly everyone I know in that circle is materialistic.  I am the idiot who decides to act all chivalrous and independent.  He promised me an allowance come August onwards.  Hmpphh, knowing how real his 'promises' are, I am not sure what to expect.  Then again, we'll never know what good, luck or happiness is coming my way.

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And her amazing hair!!! Wowowowee.

from http://steviwonderwoman.blogspot.com/

Quote "  they say money doesn't buy happiness, they lied. that's why people are so confused. they buy a Ferrari and feel this sensation in their bellies. they swipe their credit card to buy that watch and tingle inside. while their diamond-studded necklace flickers in the case, they FLICKER too. see, money can buy happiness ... but it can't buy Joy. they are two different things. happiness is a quick high that leaves you smiling until you're not. Joy is the emotional, physical, and psychological land of milk & honey. it's a peaceful state of good & contentment ... money is simply symbolic paper. " Unquote

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

more wisdom from stevie wonder woman

From the wise young lady: http://steviwonderwoman.blogspot.com/

Quote " ahh, I licked through a false sense of affection . we go through life with family and parents that care, however in the back of our minds we wonder: "they (our family) love us because they have to. will there ever be anyone who loves me on purpose? (lol) will there be someone who sees something special in me ?" therefore, we search life for someone who cares ... and we run smack dab into infatuation. it feels cool when you're in high school and someone is obsessed with you (and vice-versa) lol. unfortunately, it's not about the two of you ...it's about the one of you . one person is obsessed about being adored, and the other one is doing the exact same thing. people are simply using & using without being accountable for the catastrophe that comes later ."Unquote.

I always wondered about this too.  And it's funny because occasionally I still do wonder and doubt The One.  But deep down, I love him and want no other.  I just hope he loves me the way I want to be loved.

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

finally, I reached the core. I don't mean to sound cliche, but there's a reason why love is so popular my friends lol. I need you to see love, not as a 90's R&B song, and not as a cheesy romance movie. those things are simply simulations of 'real love' ...those things are cheap, body spray scents, but hardly the real thing. Love is so selfless and unstable that its rulebook only states, "one size fits all ." it's a scary thing, to love. you feel something inside that you want to swear is physical, but you can't prove it. because it is so untamed & addictive, you become scared that you'll get lost somewhere between bliss & Armageddon. But displaying love is all that matters, it is the only good, strong thing left in the world. IT IS OF GOD. now, just because you love someone ...it doesn't mean they'll love you back. at the end of the day, however, it's always worth it.

The Forty Rules of Love

It's happened again.  I have neglected my therapy for about a month now, but this has not stopped me from growing as a human being.  I've had alot of downs but I watched myself go through them.  I was aware the whole time of the changes I was going through.  Have I grown?  Have I learned anything?  I'm not quiet sure but blessings have been falling into my life in bigger drops lately. 

One of the biggest is the book: The forty rules of Love by Elif Shafak.  I feel it speaks to me directly.  Everything, I mean everything in this book reflects me, my thoughts, my beliefs, my views on life and love, and even my fears.  Does this mean I am a Sufi at heart?

Best Quote:  "May you find Love when you least expect, where you least expect"

Till we meet again,

Sedeso

A Prayer coming up...

I'd like to send out a prayer to that man, Khaled. son of the Egyptian, who ended up in jail.  Another prayer in addition to the one in a previous post which I do not remember.

"Lord please please help him."

It is not his fault but the circumstances that life keeps throwing him in.

I do not understand why innocent people need to go through so much pain in this life?

Why God?

All I hope for is that something good will come out of this dilemma for this man.

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Till we meet again,
Sedeso

The Last Lecture

In a few hours, I sit my last exam for this Degree.  For the past week, I've had melancholy feelings about this.  But right now all I want to do is well in this Accounting exam.

What is the next step?

Another degree?

A marriage proposal?

A promotion at work?

A truce with my whole family?

I wonder, I simply wonder.

And yes, I am well aware that the title of this post is of a bestseller book, which I am yet to read.

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Breakfast Ideas:

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

Full of Doubts on Frienship

Who is a true friend and who is faking it?  One seriously knows not anymore.

Why did Su suddenly stop talking to me I have no clue?  Does it have anything to do with my current beau of that Yemeni prune-head?

Why is the older devilish lady suddenly back in my life somehow?

Is the flirty Persian a decent friend or should I beware of her?

Which one of all my acquaintances should I consider of my close circle?

And why does my beau insist on me butchering the Yemeni prune-head out of my life as a means of getting rid of problems?

But what I am really curious about is this:  why would Su suddenly cut me off without a reason or fight?  Could she be this jealous of me and my life? Or does she have something to do with my beau?

I have no clue whatsoever and it is causing me unnecessary stress. 

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

A Purebred to Betrothe?

Okay Universe, I got the big in-my-face hint.

This morning I was thinking to myself:  I don't care how but I will only marry a purebred and there is no way on earth I'd marry a mixed blood. 

A few hours later, a drunken purebred, who was getting over his  Persian wife dumping him asked me to date him because he is serious and is looking for marriage.

I judged him on his physical characteristics and drunken state and looked at him in disdain and thought to myself: no way Jose, I'd rather be single than marry a psychotic, narrow-minded man who was shocked to find out that I'd be studying later with male peers. 

I am not the type of woman who will willingly change her lifestyle for a man unless I am deeply and madly in love with this creature.  

Oh I don't know anything anymore. 

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Pretty, oui ou non?

Till we meet again,

Sedeso

La Ministere

What is it about me that people see and are driven to comment that I should become a CEO?  Are they crazy?  Or are they mocking me? So far I have my boss, Feda, and My beau who have mentioned it.

Seriously, is the universe mocking my wanting of matrimony by hinting at the possibilities of a successful career without it?

No thank you, I'd rather pick marrying my beau over a career any day.
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In the meantime, I am seriously considering continuing my studies and getting an MBA.  This may be the easiest way around it. 5 core subjects since I have already taken 3 of the cores.  Mother dearest is highly supportive and is telling me to take it but at leisure.  I might as well because one never knows what the future holds.  Besides, I have always unknowingly sensed that I will be a student for the rest of my life. 

Where will the hubby and babies fit in with all of this?  I have no clue.  But as Pree always said:  God will make a way.

Hmm, I wonder what the future holds.  You just never know what might happen.
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Till we meet again,

Sedeso