after years of living in torment and wasting my 20s being an idiot, obsessing about marriage, and learning life lessons the hard way, i have changed but still on the journey of self-discovery. looking at my life retrospectively, I cringe at some of my thoughts and realize life has been holding my hand, parenting me, teaching me one lesson after the other
I've been a bad girl lately. I've stayed home, eaten comfort food, watch the teli, eaten comfort food, browsed the net, eaten more comfort food and had an urging yearn for raw onions. Yes, you heard me right, raw onions. I had them for breakfast, lunch and dinner yesterday. And I just had more raw onions for lunch. And I loved those raw onions.
I've eaten way too much. And I know why. I'm trying to fill the void within me. I've been feeling down for many reasons. And a big chunk of these reasons includes work. Mom keeps on reminding me that there is no perfect workplace and I shouldn't anticipate any problems before they happen. Let things get sorted out for themselves.
Oh yes, and on the gossip front.
Lub'z hubby just bought her a Bentley.
The other one married a big-shot at the Atlantis resort.
Mo married his cousin to keep the money in the family.
Peep show of the day:
I still don't know what I intend to do this New Year. How will I top last year's celebration at Barbarella?
Loving these cosy interiors, which make me want to fall asleep.
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What a fucking crap day (beep)
What the FUCK is going on?
I only went over to my hopefully new place to meet with the person whose work I shall take over and until 5 minutes ago, all I heard was negative stuff about her.
How she will let me do all the work and then take credit for it.
How she will neglect my needs and I will be disrespected.
How corrupt she is and how she steals from the department.
I am dreading working with her for any longer.
All I can still hear, ringing in my ears is: Don't work with her. You'll regret it.
I cried my way back home. I cried so much and cursed. For the millionth time, why can't you give me what I want?
Coveted items du post: (I love rose-gold and midnight blue.)
One of the most creative invitation cards I've seen. The actual invitation was painted on a mirror glass pane.
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I can barely sleep nowadays, worrying about an unjust future that may never happen. Dreading its possible complications with every step. I'm suffering from severe hair loss and constant headaches.
But it's okay. I've got a plan. I will move there and continue to work as hard as I always do, careful with every step and wary of that spy. And by the time I finish this education, I would have acquired more skills and will apply elsewhere. I shall leave that rotten group of people and I hope they dwell in their corrupted ways. I used to hear of corrupted leaders, but now I am witnessing it firsthand. I never thought I would. It's a dirty, filthy atmosphere to work in.
I must remain wary of my surroundings and find a better way out, to a place where I will be glad I moved on. It's just another year and a half. Please God, give me the patience to endure this and the intelligence to cope with them in a wise way.
What a crazy week the past one has been and the scariest thing is that it's not over yet and next week might be worst.
1. I have to prepare an annual report for a V.V.V.I.P. about the status of the project I am working on. I only have 2 days to do it in. The thing is, although I'm not exactly sure what the CEO wants, I am positive I can do a wonderful job out of it.
2. I will move workplaces again, but this time to a bigger and newer orgn. I'm taking over someone's work who's been doing it for 19 years. I'll be dealing with the Communications mainly, and my boss seems to think I'll do a good job out of it. Either she trusts me or she cannot find anyone else to fill her place under such short notice. I am very very scared of the future.
3. Went with about 30 girls on a wonderful trip that covered the Northern region. Had a brilliant time. I much needed this time off. We were all up by 5:30am since the four wheelers and bus were moving at 7:30am sharp. I plugged in my ipod and went crazy with the tunes.
-The biggest mistake was wearing those flats. I forgot we were going to climb mountains.
The weather was fantastic. Just look at how blue and clear the skies are.
The shells by the lagoon.
Breakfast at 10:00am.
Went rock-climbing with the girls. Doesn't this look like a scene from the Lion King where Simba's father is about to talk to the crowds? The serene lagoon.
Loving the gradient in color. Farms on the border. We passed by some villages and got greeted by the humble locals. Some people sure do live simple lives. The cave. Loved how deep blue the sea was. It started getting cold at this stage. Market that sells fruits, pottery, blankets and toys.
The thing I like best is the grilled corn on the cob with salt and lemon and they only sell those during winter.
Till we meet again,
I won't give myself more credit than what I deserve, but the least I will call myself is a professional at work.
I got to present, yaaaaaay. But at an event so minor and neglected that although the District President was there, no media appeared. I cannot believe how unprofessional that Lina is. She didn't write the speech, but I did. She didn't even show up till half an hour before the event, then insisted on correcting my speech for me.
I sat at an Italian place and had their delicious Gamberoni pasta, whilst attempting to write the script. I think I'm getting better at this.
But, my boo suggested that I only present when the VIPs are attending and not bother about minor events since I'm famous now and should keep a certain prestige about myself. I agree.
I hope I remain as good and professional at my job as I always have been.
Carlito was the one who sat me at the cafe one day and forced me to repeat after him that I will never hook up with anyone unless I was head over heels in love with him. He made me cry that day out of utter and sheer desperation of the impossible future that he described.
Carlito was the one who introduced me to all his friends and family as his most interesting Arab woman friend. He commended me for being unconventional in both my behavior and looks.
Carlito complimented me continuously with remarks that would leave me dumbstruck. I complained once about how I only got attention from older men and his reply was: Because they're neither young nor foolish to appreciate a typical, tanned, blond airhead. They're old and wise enough to appreciate an intelligent brunette and true beauty. To them, you're a Sophia Loren.See, I bet you'd be speechless too.
Carlito was the one who gave me his twisted advice day in day out. He also called and droned my brain with his obsessive pursuit of that Romanian Audrey Hepburn look-alike.
Carlito recommended that I watch The Namesake and I luuurrvveed it. He also recommended Orhan Pamuk's My Name is Red and it became my number one book. He knew what I would like.
And when I avoided him after that awkward and difficult conversation, he understood and never contacted me again. I never considered him more than a friend whom I got on with so well.
How could I not have seen it back then?
Today, I figured out that Carlito was indeed in Love with me.
I've had this happen to me before, and most of these men tend to be wonderful for my soul but displeasing to my eyes. I am in no way attracted to overweight or even chubby men. And that is very sad because apparently, it's one of those who can make me happy. [insert FFWD April 2010: Yes, I'm glad that you realize this now for The One will be everything that physically displeases you in a man.]
What a shame that I am not ready yet at the ripe age of 27. It would have been perfect.
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"Quote" most guys who say that a girl's standards are unrealistic are usually the ones who are intimidated. It's not about money or status, i think it's more about the state of mind. "Unquote"
I believe the above quote applies to yours truly.
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Coveted items du jour: (Prada) backless top are so haute. Till we meet again Sedeso
Just finished watching: The Last time I saw Paris with Elizabeth Taylor and Van Johnson. Me likey very much, especially fashion. Unfortunately couldn't find photos from any archive.
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I am so stressed out that I am losing so much of my hair. The only thing to do is take lots of mini fun breaks and up my Peerfectil vitamins. Usually they stop the hair-loss process. Hope it works althought I am frightened of it.
All countdowns have already begun to close down 2008. We're a few days away from Christmas and New Year and the city has become festive and ready to celebrate the season. I love that foreigners are welcome and allowed to celebrate their religious occasions freely. They can even drink openly. If this isn't good hospitality then I do not know what is.
I just wish, other public holidays carried a more festive feeling such as Christmas. I also wish those foreigners allowed us to openly celebrate our occasions in their own countries without judgment.
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Had a teenie weenie high school reunion at the and enjoyed one of the juiciest burgers for lunch. It was too good that for a moment I regretted offering to share it with N. Check this out: Till we meet again,
Luck is when preparation meets opportunity. Or so I've always thought.
But today, another light bulb went on in that weird head of mine. Somewhere in there, there is a sensible voice that occasionally speaks out to me and it's comforting. That voice inside my head said: Opportunity happens when it is least expected and when you are least prepared.
Made me think of how much time over the past 6 years I've wasted, browsing interior design magazines and mentally imagining how I will furnish my first property. I have been preparing and preparing and preparing and come December 2008, I still haven't bought that property. On the contrary, I've blown away most of my savings on whatnot.
So I should throw those design digests away. Forget about the property until I am able to buy it. With the recession, I hope something gets worked out before I hit 30, ding dong!!
What about all the others? I believe I have spent my whole life, ever since I was 5 (yes, since kindergarten) preparing myself, mentally, physically, and emotionally to find that one person and be consumed by him.
When I was 5, I learned how to send a sexy fly-kiss, from the movies of course. Actually, I had my first crush then, in Kindergarten. It was a blond, blue-eyed boy called Alaa, who was crying because mommy just left him. Who the hell has a crush when they're 5?
In grade 1, it was Abdo.
In grade 3 in was Peter.
In grade 4 it was Nicholas.
In grade 5 or 6 it was the boy from the powder milk advert.
and on and on and on it went. Remember the 2 men I fell in love with just 2 weeks ago?
I have always been crushing on men of all ages, thinking he's the one. (remember that I lust for these men (not love them in that literal sense) and most, if not all, are unaware about my feelings let alone my existence).
Love, love love. It was forever there at the back of my head. With every step that I took, I unconsciously made the decision based on its impact on my life.
I studied and excelled to make my future spouse proud of the intelligent woman he will get linked to. I learned foreign languages and learned to act and dress properly just to one day become the perfect Stepford wife. You got my point?
Could it possibly be that my whole existence has been based on a person I may never meet? Is this the true meaning of my life? If it is, then I am appalled at myself. I think I'm kind of sad.
Loving this, studded bed. It's Adrian Grenier's.
Till we meet again,
Sedeso
PS: I will wait in hope that somebody out there reading my blog will reassure me that there's more of me in the world and that my behavior and thinking are common.
I remembered my ex-workmate, Nikita's mama, who, being a devout christian was and still is one of the strongest believers in a more positive future.
I always shouted out loud: How will I do this? How will I accomplish that?
Her shouts back to me were: By God's Grace, HE will make a way.
Being away from her has slightly taken its toll on my positivity, my strong belief, and this has made me forget what should have been hammered into my brain and imprinted in my temporary-shaky faith.
HE will make a way.
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Dressed tacky, see.
It wasn't exactly comfy, slightly tight since I've put on about 3kg due to all the junk food I've been having lately. I should honestly do something about this constant pang of hunger. What void am I trying to fill? What emotional gaps am I trying to seal? It's one thing to have a healthy appetite and eat heartily but it's a totally other issues to eat like a pig. Hmm, wonder who coined that phrase.
It is uncool to eat as much as I do. Why is it that if something tastes good then I cannot control my inhibitions and eat it all up until I feel sick with regret? And why is it that after every gym session, I treat myself with food? I remember Oprah mentioning something about this 'bad' treat. Should yahoo it (ps, I prefer yahoo to google).
Mental note: speak to the therapist about this unstable relationship with food and get to the core of it.
Regardless of what tacky combo I've got on, I always adorn my hands with rings and bangles. Makes me feel so feminine.
Oh yeah, and something else I wondered about. How come I am not as obsessed about dressing up to the max all the time as most girls nowadays? I like to look pretty with minimal effort, au naturele. I do not color or highlight my hair. I do not overdo the glitz and glamour. I always opt for simple and chic outfits. My hair always looks cute and normal, not coiffured like those girls you see. I barely color my face with eyeshadow or colors, with the exception of my Mac rouge.
I know God gave many carats of charm and attractiveness which I should use to my benefit. Would I want to be drop-dead gorgeous and scare the male species away? I don't know, haven't made my mind up yet. But I still want to look even prettier hence the plan to pay a visit to 'that' clinic to see what work could be done.
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Chanel's Chance, eau fraiche, my addiction, my signature smell. Everyone starts sniffing me as I walk towards them. I usually am clueless when it comes to mixing perfumes, but this smell suits my pheromones.
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*quote*: A true friend stabs you in the front, Oscar Wilde
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I chased one of my dreams, literally. Whilst typing the night away, editing the MOU's, I got a sudden urge to go to their office, meet with the Executive Director personally and tell him what I wanted. That I wanted to present a paper at his event. And I did just that. I drove to their headquarters and bumped into him as soon as I exited l'acenseur. I told him why I was there and he felt slightly embarrassed. His face went red and I am sure it's because he remembered promising me that role last year. He told me stuff like: You're my daughter and I've trained you but you've come too late. I was slightly bummed. And I offered my help in case the rep they've chosen backed out at the last minute.
I felt proud of myself for chasing after what I wanted. And suddenly, it wasn't important anymore. If it worked out, then great. Kudos to me. If it didn't then it's okay, something better must be out there for me. What mattered the most is that I went after it, or drove after it, lol.
It doesn't matter what happens now. I have accepted whatever consequence will come out of this.
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Remember this song?
__________________ Went shopping very late and got so many stares, thank you very much for I didn't realize I looked this good. Nevertheless, should have suspected it when the director saw me and blurted out: The Moon is out early today. Phew, am still HOT!
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Now since all should be swell, what's with all these tears? When will the sorrowful fountains stop? I should be able to pinpoint the reason since as my therapist mentioned before the answer to everything is within each and every one of us. We should learn to look deep inside for some insight. How to stop it? Mental note: remember that it's okay to cry one's heart out. It's normal. ___________________________
What else? Oh yes, last week I witnessed some ungrateful children reject their mother and break her heart. Being there, and witnessing it firsthand was overwhelmingly heartbreaking. I am terrified of this ever happening to me. I won't be able to cope. I am the one who believes in unconditional love. I hate my sisters' classmates because they hurt her sometime in the past. She's over it, but I'm not. I offer unconditional devotion if anything. This is one reason God why I am worried about the future. ___________________________
Talking about mommies, it seems that I have a lot more of her in me than I anticipated. I seem to have inherited many of her strong qualities and the other ones. I am a natural worrier and it is exhausting. I wish I get a pinch of her patience for she is an angel sent to take care of us. Yet, I want to lead a different life. As an apple, I hope I fall further away from the tree. I'll explain this in another post. ___________________________
TWILIGHT was my highlight of the night. Peter facinelli is gorgeous. Yahoo-ed him. Voila.
Movies like this take my breath away momentarily. They consume me to an extent that for a short while after leaving the theater, I feel bored with life and want to live in a parallel universe where my life is a fairytale and I always get what I want. If you haven't seen it already, go watch it. Apparently, it does no justice to the book or even the whole twilight saga. So I'm planning on reading 'em all. I feel so sleepy now.
Till we meet again,
Sedeso
"Quote""live through this, and you won't look back" - stars .
motivate yourself. life can make you its personal punching bag. it wraps its fingers around your neck and presses in the center. it presses and presses until you're so close to suffocation. it feels like you won't make it through the day. the idea of tomorrow makes you sick because you can't see a light ahead. it seems like, the more you invest in, the bigger the risk in the end. sometimes you can feel like you're crawling through life instead of soaring like you should. you know those times when something weighs heavy on your mind . . . so heavy that it almost seems to be a REAL weight?
it's imperative that I tell you. PUSH forward. you can be going through one of the toughest times of your life, but maybe the point is for you to overcome it. maybe the point is for you to be able to say, "i got through it." The hardest times in my life have given me the greatest sense of accomplishment and wisdom. It can do the same for you. The most interesting people are only that because of their perspectives and experiences. If life was a mere walk in the park, that would be the only story we had to tell to the world. a damn walk. The most interesting people fought life back because of their strength. Ghandi has a story to tell. Mandela has a story to tell. 2pac had a story to tell. Lauryn Hill has a story. Kanye has a story to tell. Make your story. I'm not saying to look for trials, but don't stop living because they might arrive.
The question is not whether you'll pick yourself up from life's abuse. The question is "what will you be able to tell your grandkids about your triumph over life's adversity?" "Unquote"
HoW cool are the stairs?Slept at 7:30am and woke up at 1:30pm. Must take drastic measures to sort out this sleeping pattern otherwise I'm screwed come Sunday morning. A part of me is not looking forward to work because of the atmosphere. But another part of me wants to get this month over and done with simply because I believe 2009 will be action-packed and a tad bit more fun?
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To get myself out of this misery, I'm getting dressed and getting out. Will post later on tonight and update about my mood status.
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Julie, Come back from SA already. This salad was no good at all. I just gobbled it all since I was hungry.Yes, yes, I had to eat all that before my last exam since food does comfort me as you may know already.
I am so angry, I would like to tear open someone's flesh with my hands.
That vigorous workout did me no good at all. Somewhere between the steps and cross machines I looked up and saw my reflection and I didn't like what I saw. It wasn't just anger, but a combination of distress and sorrow.
I am on the verge of exploding because, in my opinion, sometimes unfair things happen to good people. Why is that? You see the good ones hurting and all you can do is hold them, comfort them, then look up to the sky and ask over and over again: Why are you doing this? Why are you hurting my loved ones? Why? Take the bad ones. Hurt the bad ones. But leave my loved ones alone.
And once again, I am astounded at a mother's ability to endure pain for her children. If having children will cause me this much heartache, then I don't want them. I have a full enough schedule taking care of myself. I am not sure I will ever be able to cope with children sucking the life, happiness, and sanity out of me.
So, I did this to make me feel better. Screw that workout. It did nothing to life my mood.
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Can't wait for the movie Little Ashes to come out about Salvador Dali's work.
Can't sleep. Worried and wondering about the future. I'm worried if matters don't become more positive than the current situation.
I keep on remembering a prophecy from 6.5 years ago, predicting an incident in 7 years time. I have never forgotten that prophecy and albeit firmly believing in كذب المنجمون ولو صدقوا , there is a big part of me that wishes that this prophecy comes true somehow. I've had to battle so many people and make them understand where I'm coming from. How much more convincing do I have to do? Am I worthy of it yet? 0.5 years left and the clock is ticking. Will this be a situation of watching the pot never reaching the boil?
I think it's both the medication and my time of the month that are playing havoc to my system. I need to get out. Anywhere other than the clinic.
Note to myself: must leave the house tomorrow.
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When I have nothing better to do, I always turn the teli onto TV5 and listen to the conversations whilst browsing the net. It's a good way to remain ontop of my french. Vous ne croyez pas?
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OMG, remember the red, black and blue post, in which I drooled over 3 perfect gowns? Well, I have finally been able to ID one of the gowns, it's a Zac Posen. Wonder what mommy will say, but even if I convince her, this gown must be a year off the runways.
It's the second day of 3eid and I still haven't worn my 3eid clothes, neither have I greeted any guests. I've had 6 shots in the past 3 days thanks to my allergy attack and my sleeping pattern has gone haywire. I am craving some burger king so badly, specifically their fries, but the GP instructed me only to have organic, home-cooked meals.
Nan felt so bad about my status that she got her incents out and turned my room into smokey smokerson's bar. The reason behind these continuous attacks. This gorgeous arrangement of rose truffles.
By the way, although I had a bad experience with it, I'd still recommend Forrey & Galland chocolatier. Their chocolate flowery arrangements and gift boxes are stunning. I'd opt for them over Patchi any day.
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A friend of mine has been dating a younger man (7 years precisely) for the past year, knowing well enough that the boy's mother will not allow them to get together in matrimony. They met through work. The boy does not even have the guts to stand up to his mommy. Yet, she continues to latch onto the non-existent hope, following the concept of : ظل الراجل ولا ظل الحيطة.
I'd hate to be in her shoes. I wouldn't want to waste my time with an unreachable goal? Or would I? Would I keep the boy in my life until a better, more eligible option comes along? I wonder what goes on in her head every time she ditches us to go out with him!!
What would you do?
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Temptations comes to the best of us, but whether we succumb to them or not depends on our abilities to realize its hidden agenda. It may come is the form of a good-looking beau or a stack of cash. Most of us give into temptation knowing fairly well that we will have to face the consequences in the morning. (DHW)
One of the resolutions I had for 2009 is to fall in love and get married and it seems like the universe sure does need a helping hand. So I did something. I told all my trusted friends to find me a good match. The least I can get out with is a lot of dates (wink).
Well, 2 of my friends have found me blind dates already.
I went on my first date in a long time today. The guy is 26/27. Fresh graduate. Sweet and safe. For God's sake, he got me a red rose and left it on my favorite chair before I arrived. I got a few stares and was disappointed. I've grown past the stage of flowers and chocolates. Now, it's either expensive gifts or nothing at all. Not the type of man I'd ever go for but hey let's give them all a chance. He might grow on me.
Et maintenant il ne me laisse pas tranquille. Il veux qu'on se voit chaque jour. Mais pour moi, c'est impossible, car je n'aime pas ce conduit addictive. En raison de mon experience passee, je crois qu'avec l'amour, il faut donner de l'espace pour qu'il nous manque en plus.
J'espere que le ciel sera avec moi. J'espere que le ciel me donnerai de la puissance pour bien accepter ma fortune, bien ou mal.
I will continue to go on dates and meet men. Let's hope that 2009 is a more exciting year than 2008. I truly hope I can have so much more fun. Which reminds me, I need to update my 2009 resolutions.
Coveted designer du jour:
Carolina Herrera. How come I've never noticed her before?
Till we meet again, Sedeso
I still don't know what I intend to do this New Year. How will I top last year's celebration at Barbarella?
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Till we meet again,
The serene lagoon.
Farms on the border. We passed by some villages and got greeted by the humble locals. Some people sure do live simple lives.
The cave.
Loved how deep blue the sea was. It started getting cold at this stage.
But, my boo suggested that I only present when the VIPs are attending and not bother about minor events since I'm famous now and should keep a certain prestige about myself. I agree.
Till we meet again
Till we meet again, 
Till we meet again, 
Slept at 7:30am and woke up at 1:30pm. Must take drastic measures to sort out this sleeping pattern otherwise I'm screwed come Sunday morning. A part of me is not looking forward to work because of the atmosphere. But another part of me wants to get this month over and done with simply because I believe 2009 will be action-packed and a tad bit more fun?
This salad was no good at all. I just gobbled it all since I was hungry.
Yes, yes, I had to eat all that before my last exam since food does comfort me as you may know already.
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The reason behind these continuous attacks. This gorgeous arrangement of rose truffles.
