Project Happiness: Day 8

Lovely Living Room Ideas

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On Day 8, happiness came to me in the form of achievement.  By 3pm I had nearly lost hope to be accepted as an official speaker, I started doubting myself, and my performance and wondered if I should have approached the whole thing differently.  I kept wondering which one of those ladies has outdone me.  Was it possible?  Was there another student who could have done a better job?  So I called mother dearest, with a throat constricted with tears, wondering why I haven't heard from them yet.  If I had been rejected then I would have liked to know.  It is this wait that annoyed me the most.

I was on the verge of giving up this tiny and shallow dream of mine after my mother reminded me that perhaps it was for the better and maybe I was better off not being chosen.  But something inside me was upset and I even asked the Lord: why will you deny me such a small wish? (Cruelty from my side, I know)

I also spoke to my beau and told him how disappointed I was.  He told me to take a nap and forget about it.

I then got angrier and decided to boycott the ceremony altogether and not show up.  How very childish of me yes I must admit!!

So I turned on the AC, wore my jammies, and was about to drown my sorrows in my pillow and comfy duvet when my bb flashed.  I opened it and saw the email: VOT.  Even at this moment, my belief was shaky, and expected it to be a rejection but what I saw made me jump with joy, literally.  JUMP. So I jumped and jumped and gave out a silent scream and jumped some more and called mom with more choked up tears and screamed: I have been chosen and called my beau too and repeated the same phrase.

I have been chosen.

This is a phrase we all work hard towards regardless of the situation.  We all want to be the chosen ones, chosen by a university, workplace, a family, a friendship but most importantly, we all strive to be chosen by a man to be loved and wanted and married.

I was chosen this time.

Will The One finally choose me?

This time, I won't let repeat the usual: only time will tell / I wonder what the future holds.  This time I shall say this: By God's Grace.

So on my 8th day, happiness was an achievement, some stability and a wonderful signature massage with S at the Spa.

Till we meet again,

Sedeso

Project Happiness: Day 7

Could Happiness be in having an ego, regardless of its size?

I walked out of the audition with a huge grin on my face thinking, I'm good, I'm a lot better than most of those girls sitting outside the audition room. I should do better and I have a lot of advantages to win.  But then I thought to myself:  How dare I see myself as superior?  I should be a lot humbler than this.  Sweetheart, never ever forget that!!

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I had a wonderful time with my Londres mates H and her sis J, we dined and walked and talked and enjoyed our time so much.  I felt lighter, I was having a wonderful time.  I guess the best of all friends I have ever made are the ones I met in Londres simply because when I met them I was in my element. 

My beau kept calling every hour to check on me.  This made me feel cared for and loved. It made me happy.

I also realized in the middle of that dinner that Happiness may be in having some form of stability in my life. A Beau, wonderful friends, a healthy family, financial security....and more.  I should be grateful for everything I have, which is a lot.

Therefore, on my 7th day, happiness came to me and brought me comfort in a physical way.

I wonder where this journey and project will take me!!

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

Project Happiness: Day 6

I did not leave the house.  I stayed in all day attempting to write the VOT.  I have decided to go for it and nominate myself.  If it is written, then I will be chosen.  I hope I am chosen.  But creative writing and coming up with ideas is not a simple thing.  My creativity tends to be atypical and this can sometimes put some people off.  They do not always understand my style.

My beau's phone calls are a little less than usual but I will excuse his neglect and blame it on la lune.

Happiness on the 6th day was in having my own room and the peace of mind to do my work.  Happiness was in realizing that I have the free time to do what I choose to.  Happiness was also in being free from too much responsibility and family headaches.  So am I the one who is rejecting the idea of being hitched because I despise all this and value my freedom and own space too much?  Maybe.

Oh well, I simply wonder what the future holds for me.

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

Project Happiness: Day 5

So yesterday was Manoush's wedding. 

I realized many things yesterday:

I realized that what may appear to me as an ordinary may well be someone else's biggest dream or greatest love. 

I realized that many lasses want to marry an ordinary man.  He need not be a high executive or CEO or famous man for her to be married to him. 

And I realized that it's perfectly fine not to have an extravagant wedding do.  The most important thing is to be with your loved ones.

So happiness on my fifth day was in being dolled up, realizing I have lost weight (superficial I know), being with my univ- friends, being complimented by my beau, and being checked upon by him.  I love it when he cares, makes me happy.

To Small weddings!!!
(Lovely wedding marquees)

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

Project Happiness: Day 4

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I should always be thankful to God, every single day of my life because even though I may not have realized all my dreams yet, I have been bestowed upon with plentiful of blessings, too many for an ordinary person of my status and level.

Thank you Lord a million and one times.

I love my man, very very very much.  This is a fact.  I would love to be hitched to him very very very much.  I hope that it is him who was written in my destiny at my birth. 

So on Day 4, I went to visit the purebreds on the highway. Those are the indigenous ppl.   Their lives are so simple, and their houses too.  I tried to learn, pick up on and pay attention to the ways they go on about their daily lives, because I wanted tips in case I get hitched to The One.

I dressed elegantly, and opted for a classic, 70's inspired black puff top and beige fish-tail skirt.  I wore gold-inspired accessories which they loved and kept on asking about.  And I thought to myself, I can definitely live in such situations, in close proximity to the rest of the family where my kids will grow up with their cousins in a loving family atmosphere.

But I also realized how lucky I am to be given and have all this freedom. 

So for day 3, happiness was in a social circle where I sat on the floor to enjoy the food, where I had and where I was complimented and referred to as an educated charming Gazelle.

Till we meet again,

Sedeso

Project Happiness: Day 3

So my 3rd day of Happiness was not as happy, if anything, it ended with alot of doubts and anxiety. 

I don't know what is it about men, or maybe its a human being nature.  Why do we only love those who will benefit us?  Why do we neglect to care for those who love us the most and why oh why do we always want the men who do not want to be with us???

As helpful as I was yesterday, filling out his nephew's papers and staying at work late just for that, he became very rude and neglectful in the evening.  I didn't fight but held my anger which seems to be on the verge of exploding today.

But what made me happy yesterday?  Something as simple as sleeping early and being careful with my food intake. Oh yes, and before I forget, Happiness also is the freedom to me.  I felt it last night when I drove out past midnight just to get myself a takeout.  Nobody would've stopped me.  I know a lot of girls whose parents don't give them as much freedom.  So this is something I neglect to thank the Lord for. 

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

ps: Gorgeous idea for perfume arrangements and presentations.

Lunar Mood Swings

Yesterday I learned something new. Here it goes according to the best of my understanding:

During a full moon, the gravitational forces between the earth and the moon are at their highest, therefore 70% of the earth's waters become tidal and produce high waves. A lot of negative incidents happen around the full moon.

And since the human body is nearly 80% watery, of course, such fluctuations would affect their internal organs and mood swings.  Hollywood depicted this phenomenon with the wolf-man.

Therefore the moon's fullness definitely affects human beings' mood swings.  Studies in the 1970s proved so when most convictions by the NY police took place around the full moon. 

This is why our Prophet -PBUH - recommended us Muslims to fast during the full moon phase: 13th, 14th and 15th of every Islamic Calendar Month.

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And this remains my ultimate dream:

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

Project Happiness: Day 2

So what happened on Day 2?

I was excited / not very excited about visiting Louella in the Capital city. 

I wanted to see her, change scenery, check out the 'eye candy' and ofcourse see my beau. Most importantly was to see my beau.  And I did all the above.

I cringed many times because of this desperate 'lass's 'flirtatious modes.  It was way too desperate and way too embarrassing.  She made me walk next to men, between men, old young, ugly cute, all sorts.  Even when my beau sat with us towards the end of dinner, he noticed her desperate ways and said she'd never find a serious man this way.

I somehow got jealous when he stressed out how smart, intelligent and knowledgeable she was.  My bad because I kept on asking questions in front of him.  I shall never appear clueless in his presence for as long as I remember it.

I was slightly threatened when Louella told me the Capital boys were more gorgeous and dressed better than the City boys.  But when we walked in the mall, I saw none of that.  Most women had their  'bare' faces covered and they all wore loose clothes with bling and designers from head to toe.  I am sure there are those really elegant upper-class girls but from what I saw the average girl there is nothing special.

As threatened as I was, I remembered my beau saying that Capital girls didn't know how to dress well since they wore evening gowns out to malls sometimes.  But what really made me calm down was knowing the fact that had he found a girl in the capital, he wouldn't have bothered with me in the first place.  Right?

So what is happiness in day 2?  It was the walk I took with Louella by the pool.  It was in seeing a demon from my past (The scorpions), saying hello, and bbing her sister telling her that we met.  It was the sight of my gorgeous (yes gorgeous) beau walking into the Indian restaurant: he may look below average to me but to me he is the epitome of masculinity.  Happiness yesterday was in the simplest gestures where I gave him 2 flash memories with his fave series in and he asked me if I required any help or anything.

I wonder what the future holds!!!!

Till we meet again,

Sedeso

Grey with Envy

Yes, I would say grey with envy and not green because this time I actually exploded.  Literally.  At his mention that his ex- Foofoo who looked like Maisa, I remembered her near-perfect features, got so jealous and screamed my head off like a monster.  I don't know what got into me because I felt a puffing in my chest and an explosion through my head and ears.  I told him: to fuck off; that I no longer wanted him; and that I refused to be with any man who did see and consider me as the best thing in his life; either I was the wow factor or forget it.

Sanity may tell me that the past should not matter but I hate it.  I should be his all; his past, his present and his future.

What angered me even more is that albeit having met high profile men, Agent 009 always complimented me and made me feel like a million dollars.  Hold on a second.  Was it him back then or was my self-confidence much higher? Pay attention Sedeso and don't confuse things. 

Here she is:

Till we meet again,

Sedeso

[ FFW 2021: Gosh no, what was wrong with you darling? You're way way way better looking?  Why were you comparing yourself to random people?]

Project Happiness: Day 1

Day 1 has passed.  What concepts of Happiness was I able to interpret.  Am I able to define Happiness yet? Or do I have a long way to go?

I realize at this stage my goal is unclear, so to make life easier it shall be as follows:  to explore happiness.

So what emotions did I explore yesterday?

Maisa Magrabi.  I hate her and her stunning looks.  She came on ADTV 1 and I got green and grey with Envy for 2 reasons: She is a Stunner and she is Moroccon, a favorite of our men. [Insert FWD 2021: Kido you're so funny and your self esteem was so so low and BTW Maisa looks like a tranny]

And I felt Anger towards The One for considering her beautiful.  I was also slightly Frustrated because he never made me feel Beautiful like Agent 009 always did, no matter how hard I tried and how much effort I put into my looks and outfits.

At the same time, I reminded myself of the word Happiness so I picked myself up and went to the salon for a mani change.  I thought perhaps a mani would add happiness to my life and it somehow did make me feel better.  Beautifully manicured nails improve the mood.

Also, before heading for the mani, I followed up on his nephew's papers.  A chore yes, but it makes me feel good knowing that he relies on me in so many things and this could be a means of my becoming irreplaceable to him.  Knowing this makes me happy.

In the evening when I neglected to call him due to being busy, I felt his jealousy.  He even asked if I had somebody new on the scene.  I denied of course.  And funnily enough, I did not feel good making him jealous.  It actually made me slightly frustrated.  

Therefore on my first day, I conclude that certain things add to my positive feeling and perhaps happiness such as: having cash in my bank account, having a manicure, beauty treatments, wearing clean ironed clothes, having clear skin that oozes healthiness, and most importantly, having a man in my life whom I have strong feelings for and who so far feels mutually about me. 

I also would like to admit that I prefer being in a relationship to a singleton status like most people I know. 

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

100 days of Happiness: My Personal Project

A few days ago I decided on a new project since I have all this free time.  The initial idea was to be good to my beau for 100 days in vain hope of making him fall even harder in love and perhaps just perhaps he may propose (my ultimate goal for now).

But I had a session with my therapist which made me rethink a few things.  I should not forget to focus on myself and making myself happier before worrying about his happiness.

The idea then changed to 100 gestures that add to our happiness.

And finally, I decided to experiment.  There are exactly 100 days left till the end of 2010.  And during those 100 days, I thought of exploring the true meaning of happiness and try to figure out what truly makes me happy, and how to achieve more of it.

Simple enough?

A Fair enough Quest?

I don't know.  Let's just see how this goes.

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Soccer-themed party ideas:

Till we meet again,

Sedeso

Praying that.....

When it comes to asking the Lord for things, my persistence varies.  Sometimes I persist at one prayer and cry myself in desperation for why it won't get answered asap.  Other times I am too ashamed to ask for anything because I feel blessed.  Alot of people will I know would only dream of being me and having my life.   And at certain times like yesterday, I knew what I wanted but was afraid of asking for it just in case it is not 'ideal' for me.  I mean what if marrying The One will make me miserable and there is actually someone out there who can make me happier.  I don't want to doubt my feelings for him but only HE knows best.

So as I drove to pick up sis today I saw the construction workers and felt blessed to be living this life of mine.  I then remembered Maslow's Hierarchy of needs and I believe regardless of what we have we will remain greedy since our needs change.  So I have the basics, and now I want the level 3 egotistical needs.

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Love art deco jewelry

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

Wanting The Unattainable

When a man truly loves a woman and wants to be with her, nothing, no wind or rain or high or low, no tradition or grumpy mother or controlling siblings will keep him away.  Time after time,  because of my fears and paranoia, life keeps teasing me by showing me men I would consider, fighting with their all, going against their families to be with the women they love.

Why are you mocking my feelings and needs?  The man I love with my all does not show me reciprocal interest.  And the last time we met in his hood, I cried because I admitted to loving him more than he will ever love me. His reply annoyed me:  So what if you loved me more?

And yesterday, my Superior was telling me how her sibling is trying his best to convince his parents that he will marry an Eastern European.  Yes, you heard it, not an English or Lebanese, but an Eastern European.  And my man doesn't even want to get married.  This means he doesn't love me enough.

I won't hide that deep down I am waiting for a miracle to happen. The miracle of marrying The One and having his babies.  Why am I so foolish?  Why am I so attached to something unattainable?

It may appear so minute this dream of mine, too simple that some may question my obsession.  But I don't know what else to do but pray and ask God to grant me my deepest desire.  I pray and pray and pray.  Then I get hopeless and angry and I cease my prayers shortly.  I may not whisper them but my heart won't stop desiring this only wish.  Then I go back to begging mode and I pray and pray and pray some more until..... when will this cycle come to an end?

Just had a Tad Da moment.  Sometimes certain prayers are not accepted because the person may be wronging somewhere else.  The only wrong I am doing that I am aware of is boycotting certain immediate family members from my life.

And you know what, if my prayer may be linked to this issue then I don't want it.  It is more complicated than I can explain and I am not ready to delve into that routine.

I don't want it anymore.  I might as well just live in sin. I am angry.

You are supposed to be kinder than all of this, much much kinder.

I don't know what else to say other than I am sooooooo tired and I understand and can justify why so many women resort to black magic.

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Gorgeous Kaftans

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

PS: I will be a bit more patient and see how the universe will sort things out.