When a man truly loves a woman and wants to be with her, nothing, no wind or rain or high or low, no tradition or grumpy mother or controlling siblings will keep him away. Time after time, because of my fears and paranoia, life keeps teasing me by showing me men I would consider, fighting with their all, going against their families to be with the women they love.
Why are you mocking my feelings and needs? The man I love with my all does not show me reciprocal interest. And the last time we met in his hood, I cried because I admitted to loving him more than he will ever love me. His reply annoyed me: So what if you loved me more?
And yesterday, my Superior was telling me how her sibling is trying his best to convince his parents that he will marry an Eastern European. Yes, you heard it, not an English or Lebanese, but an Eastern European. And my man doesn't even want to get married. This means he doesn't love me enough.
I won't hide that deep down I am waiting for a miracle to happen. The miracle of marrying The One and having his babies. Why am I so foolish? Why am I so attached to something unattainable?
It may appear so minute this dream of mine, too simple that some may question my obsession. But I don't know what else to do but pray and ask God to grant me my deepest desire. I pray and pray and pray. Then I get hopeless and angry and I cease my prayers shortly. I may not whisper them but my heart won't stop desiring this only wish. Then I go back to begging mode and I pray and pray and pray some more until..... when will this cycle come to an end?
Just had a Tad Da moment. Sometimes certain prayers are not accepted because the person may be wronging somewhere else. The only wrong I am doing that I am aware of is boycotting certain immediate family members from my life.
And you know what, if my prayer may be linked to this issue then I don't want it. It is more complicated than I can explain and I am not ready to delve into that routine.
I don't want it anymore. I might as well just live in sin. I am angry.
You are supposed to be kinder than all of this, much much kinder.
I don't know what else to say other than I am sooooooo tired and I understand and can justify why so many women resort to black magic.
_________________________________Gorgeous Kaftans
Sedeso
PS: I will be a bit more patient and see how the universe will sort things out.
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