The Ease of it....

The process of marriage amazes me. It's intense thoughts are more than obsessions. Trust me. On the contrary, every time the thought creeps into my mind, I become alert and push it away, trying instead to focus on other things. And things have been fine, although the idea has crept up quite a few times. The important thing is that I would consider it under control. And when it hurts, I simply look up to the sky and tell HIM: "I give up, I will leave it all in your hands".

I've noticed that for some people, it is truly meant to be. The guy is interested in a certain girl, regardless of his/her differences and background. He tells his mother. It takes 5 minutes to convince her. Then he informs his siblings. Some may have their own opinions but in the end they are all up for it. So the guy proposes. He gets a positive reply within a few days. They visit them again to set the dates and within a few months, we receive an invitation card to attend their weddings. Simple. Too simple and straightforward.

But, what I've also noticed in my family is that this process is never smooth and often full of complications that end the process before the wedding itself.

I don't want to label it as unjust or unfair. I am simply confused as to why some people are so lucky in life. So, why can't we all get what we want? It's a matter of raising your want, abracadabra and whoosh, your want is a wrapped up gift in your lap.

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

His depression

Ashwarya Baby!!!

My baby has been depressed.
Yours truly on the other hand has been very paranoid. Does he know? Is he doubting? Does he have any inkling of doubt? But I haven't really done anything. Honestly, I didn't sleep with anyone else. What I also find amazing is that the universe is blocking and denying me every attempt. Is it the university or is it my unconscious mind-controlling the sequence of events???
And then paranoia takes a different direction. Why is he not talking to me as much as before? Is he bored of me? Could this be the beginning of the end? Or is it simply a few days of boredom?
But it's not me. I am sure of that. It is him who is having issues. So it is best to be gentle and allow him some time to reflect.

All I know for now is that I love him. Truly and with devotion. I love every single thing about his body. Actually, its my aphrodisiac, and I am addicted to him and it.
And right now, all I wish for is to sleep in his arms and wake up where both of us are more in love with each other than we were before.

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

PS: I hope I get to celebrate all my happy occasions and the public holidays with him.

Am I really that pretty?

I've always known that my looks were above average. Yet, The One, is making me question myself.

I love him so much, but I also want to hurt him so much.

I find myself questioning whether he deserves to be with me or not?

The people around me cannot stop complimenting me on how beautiful I am. I am sure I am stunning because regardless of what I am wearing, everywhere I go, alot of eyes tend to be on me. Even Su3ad has noticed this and mentioned it so many times: "You've got that look that makes people want to look back and stare".

Just yesterday Nada saw me in college and posted on my Facebook: "Btw, you looked gorgeous today, you always look wow".

Toddler told me: "you look fine" when he saw me last. And then wondered why I cannot see what he sees.

So why does The One not tell me that?

I don't care about the whole love thyself preach, every woman regardless of whether she was a farmer's wife or Miss Universe wants to be seen as the most beautiful female by her man. Again, what I want is simple, very simple. So why can't I have it?

God, are you listening to me?

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

More Doubts?

Sensations tend to be very strong and are transmitted I believe through people. People behave the way you expect them to most of the time. This is because they reflect what is in you.

Last night, I got alarmed at something. When I told him: I love you, he just went quiet. I got shocked.

Did he sense anything or was it simply my mind playing tricks on me as per usual?

Is he faithful to me? I think so. But only time will tell. And when asked if I doubt him, his immediate answer before my reply was 'not to doubt him.

Is this the beginning of the end or yet again, is everything absolutely fine and it's my mind that is playing tricks on me?

Only time will tell.

Oh, I do not know.

Till we meet again,

Sedeso

Temptation got the best of me...

Eventually, it does... let's not deny it.

Temptation is a strong force of your negative thoughts. You remain fighting it for a long long time. You struggle. You fight even harder. Either you bottle up and your frustration explodes in your everyday life through bitter behavior. Or you give in, so easily.

Some may feel extreme remorse. While others like yours truly, feel avenged. A part of me, an insecure part of me is trying to get even with a past of 40 that is long gone and forgotten.

Part of me felt great yesterday. I was described as perfect and they would take me the way I am, imperfections and all. 

The One deserves it. The One does not deserve someone as good as the "good me". So I am morphing into what he deserves in this life.

Till we meet again,

Sedeso

To Cheat or Not To Cheat?

That is the question.

Opportunities for infidelity on my side are limited but not extinct. There's the blast from the past that is lurking behind the scenes, occasionally getting in touch to check on me.

I've always rejected those approaches even at times of desperation and loneliness. The main reason I rejected these approaches was the feeling of disgust.  That's not who I am at all.

My man has this filthy look on his face. This look which horny men get before deciding to bang anything remotely female. He claims the number is 40, maybe more. My therapist insists that this number is an exaggeration. She estimates atleast 10 women less than what he claims.

There is a part of me that is very angry,. If he has banged this many women, he doesn't deserve to be with me. I know that he claims to be a changed man but isn't it the case that a leopard never changes its spots?

I am tempted to get even. I was tempted to get even today and contact the blast from the past. But something, perhaps its the voice of reason within me that is holding me back, and slowing me down. This voice is echoing: "you can get even but not yet. He hasn't given you any reason to get even. He's done nothing but be a good man. So hold it. There is no point in getting even with ghosts from the past."

This voice of reason tries but soon afterward, the anger comes back.

Had I passed by him on the street any day, or had I been briefly introduced to him, I would have imagined him with an ordinary girl. Someone has probably chosen by his mother and sisters to be an obedient wife.

"Quote" The truth of the matter is, one person's trash is another person's treasure  "Unquote"

Now, this matter is trifling. If I am confident enough in most aspects in my life, then why the hell am I insecure about every single female he might have come across? Especially 3oraib?

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

Post-Trip Emotions

Last night I spoke to him and was on the verge of tears. I want more devotion and dedication. I am so greedy and have my fair share of jealous fits.

So how do I feel 4 days after coming back from my trip?

Mixed emotions that's what I will call them.

There's sheer bliss, knowing that The One? is mine for now. I own his heart and soul. I am his one and only.

There's a slight worry that this is the best it'll get and there's no what's next.

And there's the insecurity of his past, and my constant worry about what if any were better than me, in looks, in bed, in attitude. Although my therapist and every other sane person keep on reminding me that if his past meant anything then it'd still be here. He got over it, regrets some of it and chose me. So this should be the biggest indicator of his dedication.

I also feel sad because it was a great week that we spend together. It was so relaxed and we thoroughly enjoyed each other's company. I was too relaxed that I had a few vaginal orgasms, so this should tell you something.

Nobody has a clean slate and certainly not a 30-year-old man. Here's the stereotype: Bedouins are known to fall in love deeply and intensely, are possessive of their loves, show their emotions physically whilst they make love, marry for love more than modern Arabs, are great in bed, but they are also known to fall in and out of love easily and sleep with other women they like even more easily.

What I will never understand are one-night stands. How can you touch someone you have no feelings for? How do you feel knowing that you've picked up a girl in front of your friends and you're screwing her in the next room? How much respect will your friends have for you, regardless of whether they are doing the same thing or not?

I cannot believe I am going around in circles when it comes to my insecurities. Let's see when it's going to come to an end. I need to gain more confidence, become self-assured and get over a lot of insecurities.

Annoyed because she has a professional make-up artist and hairstylist to do her up whereas I only have myself to work on my looks. 

Till we meet again,
Sedeso