Post-Trip Feelings

Sereen Abdelnoor.____________________________

I came back from my third visit to my beloved with an intense feeling of depression. It felt so surreal to be back and be all by myself. I cannot for the life of me comprehend why God has brought me so close to the perfect man yet so far from matrimony since he still insists he does not want matrimony.

I spent the whole of yesterday asking God over an over again: why not me? Why do you give everyone I know a blissful marriage and not me? I yearn to have a family of my own and I look forward to the stretchmarks and sleepless nights. I am ready God, and you know this better than anyone.

i always said i wanted someone that had an actual connection with my soul . i wanted someone that "got me" : my sense of humor, my intelligence, my drive . it's crazy how you ask God for something, and when you get it ... you realize that you needed a bit more . there's this nauseating feeling when this happens, like you're being a brat at Christmas because your parents got you the wrong Cabbage Patch Kid -[even though you never told them which kind to get] -. Nevertheless, these instances are God's way of giving lessons . We think we know what we need SO BADLY and God shows us what's real .....by Vivi's Humanity Expanse

Coming back to my trip, my verdict is this: it was not perfect but if anything it brought us closer to each other. I became very rude for the first time cursing him and wishing upon him problems in moments of sheer anger (remember that I was pre-menstrual). But atleast he understood my frustration when I finally opened up about our current financial situation. He keeps repeating to me that there is no point in hiding anything since he is convinced he already knows everything there is to know about me. I secretly laugh because there are mountains that he is not aware of about my life. There is still so much that he does not know and will never know.

What does the future hold for me? Me not know at all. I am clueless and as each month approaches, everything remains a big question mark. I wonder what the future holds.

"Quote" He explained that there was a time when he was my age and he had a dream . He said in his dream, everything was blank & he felt as if his future was empty ... a story yet to be told . He told me that my future was "blank" (and kept asking me if i understood which kind of annoyed me lol) . He told me, "Yoo do note know who yoo vwill marry, how many keeds yoo vwill ave, ohre wvat career yoo wvill ave . Do not plan, just live mah dahrling." "Unquote"

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

"Quote"yes, love is graffiti of the heart .

it leaves it real, rococo impression on your vessel of emotion and vulnerability . love sprays calm blues, passionate reds, and mournful blacks on your heart . The person who has your heart does not keep it in their pocket . NO. They unknowingly leave their mark . When they kiss you and your knees buckle, a stroke of spray paint has been left on your heart . Every time they are honest and open with you, a stroke of spray paint is ran across your heart . When they count what's theirs as YOURS , wrists spray on your heart . If they lie , cheat, deceive, or manipulate . . . i like to think an ugly black blob is spilled .

when a girl has too many black blobs on her heart , the gentleman with the yellow paint . . . ready to spray cheer & joy cannot be seen beyond the dark . if you spray enough, it will come through . . . but it takes time . The truth is, if a guy cares enough . . . he'll invest the time, the paint . The rules would be fair if only a 'true love' were allowed to mark up our hearts . Unfortunately, anyone we give our heart to ... leaves their own legacy on our lives .

It's all about the paint perspective . How do we perceive graffiti ? is it beautiful because it doesn't sugar coat ? is it beautiful because it is found on the most unorthodox of surfaces ? Do we find it ugly because it isn't in our art textbooks ? Maybe you perceive your love as a Picasso piece ... admired, analyzed, found in the canon of 'typical' .

Me ? I'll take my chances on graffiti . The kind of love that tells a story worth listening to . "Unquote"