Confrontation

Artiste

My mother would label my latest action as the biggest mistake. Then again, my mother sees things through a different colored glass.

I called up Ibtisam, the supposedly other woman, and spoke to her calmly, very calmly in my non-threatening voice. It's been eating me for months, ever since I found out and today something pushed me to call. I was expecting a slightly more alarming reaction than what I got. I wasn't even thinking about the consequences, it was more I'm dying to cool down the fire that has been eating at me inside.

She denied being his woman and couldn't talk since she was at work. She was even surprised when I mentioned his name (could he have lied about his name or did she know too many people with the same name?).

She called me back within 1 minute, surprised that I know her name, and asked if I was the wife (of course I replied yes)(it seems she knew he had somebody in his life), and she seemed worried how I knew her name and whether he has mentioned her name in front of other men. She then recounted the exact same story that he told me the first time: that she called him by mistake and they started talking and it wasn't for too long and most of their conversations were about studies since they were both doing their masters. She told me not to worry because they never dated. She didn't even know that he was back doing his masters in London now

.

I was very calm, and somehow apologetic on the phone. I asked her to clarify something and made sure she understood that she will not be bothered or harmed or disturbed again in any way.

She gave me so much information so easily. Did she feel guilty about speaking to a married man? (OMG, this is the circle of life. This could be the response of how calmly I reacted to Nobleman's missus). I kept repeating to myself after the phone call and whilst still shivering: For every action, there is an equal and opposing reaction.

I felt something though. I felt she had a lot of qualities similar to mine: confident, educated, well-spoken, hardworking, and intelligent.

This time he was telling me the truth. He was not lying. And he did not initiate the communication with this girl.

But I feel guilty about what I did and hope to God that it doesn't come back to me in a bad way.

Most importantly, I hope to God that he remains faithful as long as we are together.

Till we meet again,

Sedeso

"Quote" I'm walking, feeling pressure in my toes like too-tight, nylon stockings. the same kind of pressure we put on ourselves to make the 'us' into diamonds. but, what was wrong with the worth before? "Unquote"

Stretch Marks

Motherhood:This is not Mr. Rippley's Believe it or Not Show.

These pictures are evidence of motherhood's side-effects. I was always terrified but I no longer am. I am ready to embrace motherhood with all its ups and downs only if I get hitched to The One especially that I am sure he is fully aware of the sacrifices of motherhood (having 7 older married sisters).

Dear God, can I marry The One and have his babies?

Till we meet again,

Sedeso

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Txt Msg

The One uk
Apr 27, 2010 7:25:56 PM
وين حب

Happy 29th Birthday to me!!!

Happy birthday to me. I don't feel or look a day over 25 according to everyone around me. age doesn't make us grown-up, the heart does .  May I have many younger years to come.______________________________
I feel good somehow. I am at a good place in my life right now. And I know that I will be happy with or without him (hopefully with him though).
Till we meet again,

Sedeso

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Txt Msg:

Corrazon 1
Apr 20, 2010 11:28:10 PM
بحبك كتير

Apr 23, 2010 8:02:51 

توصل بالسلامة يا ألبي

Apr 23, 2010 10:22:45 PM
Honey you passed migration? Everything is okay in the flat?


Corrazon uk
Apr 29, 2010 6:25:11 PM
سوري كتير حبيبتي

Apr 29, 2010 6:32:47 PM
I love you H

My Bday Gift

So from the two options, I decided a gift may bring me short-term happiness but a trip to Paris on the other hand will definitely be a lifetime memory. The gift, is costly, but a trip with benefit me alot. I'm already imagining what it will be like: amazing. My inner Parisian should pop out and enjoy the ride.

Till we meet again,

Sedeso

The Mistress

When will I furnish my own home:_____________________________

Am I?

No freakin way....

_____________________________

His wife called me 2 nights ago. You heard it right.

She cursed her husband: asking me what I saw in him. He was ugly, the son of an Egyptian who didn't even have any money (as if the worth of a man was by his mother or his fortune). She wanted me to tell him how far we've gone and didn't believe me when I said we are only friends nothing more. She asked me if I was aware he had children, I remained quiet. And then she asked me what I had to say and how come I was quiet. My only repeated reply was: I think it would be better if you discussed it with your husband (whilst thinking: keep me out of your business).

I didn't answer back because I was afraid of saying anything that might make the situation worse. I spoke to her in a calm and collected tone, using my reassuring voice. As upset as she was, she ended up calming down, telling me how polite and well brought-up I sounded and requesting me kindly not to contact him ever again. I said fine and that was that.

I cried for so long and so hard, and it all felt so surreal. My heart was aching for the next day too. I hope to God that I am never ever in her place. And somehow, I hope that their marriage survives and strengthens.

Till we meet again,

Sedeso

"Quote" dear insecure girl,

he has a girlfriend. yes. this guy that you are Facebook stalking, texting, sexing and pursuing . . . yes him . he has a girlfriend. you try to numb your mind from your conscience inside that tugs on your heartstrings . you try to justify your actions with, "I don't even know her . I don't owe her anything ." mmm . don't you owe yourself something? some self-respect, integrity, or dignity? I know those are big words that you have not yet grown into. all you understand is your tendency to perform like a retarded chimpanzee. hmm, I don't mean to sound like someone's grandma, but vital values have been lost in the ladies of our generation.

[yes, men are held accountable too & they're wrong. however, this is addressed to my fellow women who allow this triflin' shxt to keep happenin'. so if you let that little fact cloud your judgment, start from the beginning and re-read with a clear mind ... like I was saying: ]

when a guy pursues me and he has a girlfriend, I know I deserve better than to be some boy's 'sideline ho' . even more so, I think about his girlfriend. I have seen too many girls distraught over their boyfriend cheating or leaving them for someone else. I DON'T WISH THAT ON ANYBODY. trust me, I had to learn the hard way. I have BEEN the girl to swoop on another girl's man before and that is just BAD karma. I mean, I never crossed boundaries ...but I never drew the line either. isn't that just as bad? what goes around comes around and trust me ... nobody cheat's God's lesson.

if stealing someone's boyfriend makes you feel 'good' about yourself then you're too insecure for life lol . if you think that qualifies you to be the 'baddest bitch' ...then you're a joke sweetie. being 'badd' doesn't mean opening your legs to make a man cheat. vagina is vagina, "he is not f*cking you for your mind" -thea monyee . messing with another girl's boyfriend only makes you look like a thirst-bucket slut who's desperate. not to mention you lose a lot of respect from people, they'll just call you a "snake". but aren't you? laying on your back & belly ... tryna tempt Adam & Eve from their focus? HMMM, IM JUST SAYIN' LOL .

... to my friends [you know who you are], don't give up on being good women. don't give up on love. Lil ratchet girls always get what they deserve & with time, GOOD men eventually learn what's truly important in their woman. I love you guys :)

 "Ünquote"

What should I wish for?

____________

I am going to ignore sweetest N for many reasons but mainly because I am so sick of her for she tends to act like a leech. I have so much to worry about that I seriously have no time to baby her anymore. I know she is somehow jealous and wants to be me since she copied my lifestyle from my blog to my dress sense. Oh please, you're a me-wannabe.

__________________________________
Dear God,

I wish for more blessings, bigger ones actually. It's not enough that I got this man 1 day after the course and within 1 month he confessed he was interested in getting to know me more. I want more, make him one of my biggest fans. Let him calmly but surely fall in love with me.

I must admit this even though anyone who reads it will be shaming me: I am tired of asking you for the same thing over and over again. All you have to do is raise your magic wand, point it and make it happen.

Left, right and center, everyone is getting married in fairytale circumstances. I feel left out.

Mother called me yesterday from the holy site in tears and asking me to pray what my heart desires. I got confused and deep down did not want to ask for anything. I am 1000 miles away and have been praying for things my whole life.

I used to love, but now I fear, hence my meaningless prayers on time.

I am aching so much, especially my back and I know its to do with the why I am feeling.

I am grateful for my good health and stable life but I want more for what you're dripping me with is not enough.

Lord, stop testing me, please. I turn 29 in a week's time and I have never been more unsure, insecure, afraid and desperate.

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

ps: I hope you were listening to me.

في حب رجل

إهداء لكل رجل أحبته إمراة، وإتخذ تفكيرا سيئا لتصرفاتها، بينما هي فعلت ذلك له

____________________________

لم أكن إمراة غبية ولا إمراة أمية ولا حجرية

لكني كنت أحلم أن أراك أسعد من تحت السماء، وأهنأ من على الأرض

وحين كنت أتمزق غيرة عليك منهن، لم أكن إمراة قبيحة

لكني كنت أميرة، تأبى أن تشاركها حواريها بك

وحين كنت أوصيك أن لا تعشق بعدي إمراة أعرفها، لم أكن أنانية
لكني كنت أجنب نفسي لدغة الأقارب وحدة الخناجر

وحين كنت أستتر عند محادثتك، وأغلق الأبواب ، وأختفي عن الأنظار، لم أكن إمراة لعوب

لكني كنت أمارس حقي كإنسانة في الفرح

وحين كنت أرسل رسائلي في ليالي الحنين إليك، لم أكن إمراة بلا ثمن ورخيصة

ولكني كنت أفضل الفرار منك إليك ، على الفرار منك لسواك

وحين كنت أجادلك في الحب وأماطلك في اللقاء، لم أكن إمراة عابثة

لكن فقدانك كان يرعبني، فكنت أحاول الإحتفاظ بك في حياتي أطول فترة من العمر

وحين كنت أتجاهل رغبة الأمومة في داخلي وعدم الزواج من أخر، لم أكن إمراة عاقر

لكني كنت أرتعب من إنجاب طفل لست أنت أباه

وحين كنت أنتظر هداياك في يوم ميلادي، لم أكن إمراة مادية

لكني كنت أحلم أن أقتني من رائحتك شيئا يبقى كالتذكار منك معي

وحين كنت أتفنن في طرق بابك، وإختراع الأسباب، لم أكن إمراة خبيثة، ولا ماكرة

لكنك كنت طوق نجاتي ألجأ عند الغرق إليك كي أستمر في الحياة

ورب السماوات والأرض،

لم تكن شيئا عابرا في حياتي،

فلو كنت في حياتي شيئا عابرا،

ما همني فرحك، ولا راعني حزنك،

ولا أوصيت ربي والدنيا بك خيرا

Till we meet again,

Sedeso

An Awakening??

Dreamy.

A thought came to my mind yesterday that made me feel certain. But this thought is the opposite of what I have been desiring lately. A weird thought :

I do not want to marry The One because I am so in love with him that I am not myself because of it. I forget about my likes dislikes, ambitions, my dreams, my family, my friends, my hobbies, my life but most importantly myself. When I am deeply in love like I am right now, I become so selfless and lose myself in the process. History & Literature both show us that love can be tragic like in Romeo & Juliet and it can be intense, or it could move a 1000 ships like the love for Helen of Troy. I love him so much that I would live for him and not for myself, which is wrong. And if he did marry me, because of the intensity of my love I will be miserable. I will do what he wants not what I want. So, if I do marry him, I will force myself to be another and this will cause me misery in the long-term, or even after a few months only. On the other hand, if I married someone like the nobleman who I am not in love with, I have a good chance of being myself and getting what I want.

Does this make sense?

_____________________________

Other men compliment me so much.  From The One, I get none of this. Is it just him or am I too demanding? I don't know, seriously.

Till we meet again,

Sedeso

Confessions of a Nobleman

Beautiful things, n'est ce pas?
___________________________

Surprise surprise, the nobleman was interested in me from day 1, full stop. Here's what he had to say to me yesterday, while I played dumb:

1) When you took out your eye drops and moistened your eyes in front of everyone without a care about your surroundings, this was the first indicator of your clarity and honesty.

2) Weren't you surprised that I got your email correct? I was listening in and I paid attention to when you corrected it (bless him, for I purposely made a deal out of it and made sure he heard it, hahaha).

3) I couldn't wait till our work paths crossed again. God knows when that would be. And I knew that by contacting you so quickly I was risking rejection or even a fight, because what if you were married or simply not interested.
4) I purposely didn't return the emails hoping that you'd call me.

5) I had to be vague in the email just in case I got rejected.

6) Didn't you wonder why I contacted you so quickly.

7) I've got hot flushes telling you all of this now.

And I cannot remember the rest of it. Wow, huh. I was interested in him and got him. So I wasn't imagining things during that course. I remember many things which should have been bigger indicators.

The most prominent being: When everyone was saying their goodbyes, I walked past the men, looked at his lovely face and he looked straight at me, in my eyes, I nodded and he nodded back. But his look was so intense and right at that moment I saw something and was sure of it. He looked at me with fear of never seeing me again. I felt it then and yesterday his words proved it to me.

When everyone left, I assumed I wouldn't see him again but surprise surprise, he showed up at the catering room, and only had his dessert which happened to be right by the table I was sitting on. Right then, something told me, he was back just to get another glimpse of me.

All this means that this man, who I was interested in and desired very much is very interested in me. And all this time I thought he was just seeing me as a friend. Thank you for listening to me for a change Universe.

Till I meet him again,

or

Till we meet again,

Sedeso

ps: I wonder what the future holds?

Baby sharing fiasco

Dear God,

I am browsing through blogs and there are way too many mommies sharing their baby pictures online.  This sure does affect single girls especially if they're hormonal.  How cute. 

Till we meet again,

Sedeso

I wonder....

 _________________________________________
.....Had I played hard to get, would he have proposed to me by now?

"Quote" my heart used to make sense before this. now, it's flooded with memories of wide smiles, jumpy hearts, and secret, violet smooches. overflowing into my concentration and now my eyes bleed 'what ifs?' "Unquote"

I have no idea. I cannot help but wonder and hope for a miracle.

But. Hold on a second. Is there somebody else out there for me? Because in the past I've wished and wished and begged and hoped to be with a certain man, only for the universe to have split us up. But with time, someone somehow nicer comes along.

I am tired of this game really. Just give me my fantasy lifestyle. Give me my happily ever after ending. I am so afraid of not getting married ever, and of not having babies whom I want very much. They say what you fear the most usually comes true, but if you were in my place, wouldn't you feel the same way? Oh God, I hope not because I am also afraid of losing The One to a less worthy opponent simply because she was cunning enough and played by the book.

God, are you listening to me? Enough, please. I don't want blessings through a drip system, I want them by the buckets (sobs).

I've been tearful for the past few days. Something is trying to get out of me. Enough. Please just stop this and let the pain go away. I am tired, so tired. I just want to curl up in bed and sleep for a long long time. 

Till we meet again,

Sedeso

"Quote" FIGHT.

fight for the life that you want for yourself . i believe that we are more in control than we think we are . i have had this feeling of hopelessness for the past couple of months . i felt like everything was out of my hands, & all i could do was sit back & have God "do his thing" . i think i was wrong . my submission to the adversity of life was cowardly & being idle in life never helped anything or anybody. instead of standing still in life and allowing things to just 'happen', we have to make it happen.

I talked to my sister and I saw myself in her . she worked hard to mold the life she wanted. unfortunately, you can't control someone else's actions & her picture fell apart. sometimes we mold our lives like clay. we mesh, pull, rub, and mend until we have what WE WANT ...we try to quickly dry it ... to keep it hardened and solid. we never imagine that something will come along to make it all break into pieces. that discourages us. it's scary to think that you will have to sweep up the fragments of your work & simply "start over" like nothing happened.

but we can. I'm betting ALL of my chips on the hope that we have to fight for what we want out of life. whether it be for the career we want. the friends we want. the people we want. the marriage we want. the state of mind we want. we always say "it's in God's hands". true. but we ALSO say, "God helps those who help themselves ." you cannot make someone else be in accordance with your desires. you cannot make someone's mind up for them. hell, you cant even stop God's plan. However, I'm not going to wait around and let life push me into corners. I'll buck back at life ...even if all I do is shift it by a centimeter. ill just shift life centimeter by centimeter until I have it where I want it . God hurls miracles from such a far distance. the least I can do is walk in his direction to make the distance shorter. my friends, I suggest you learn to fight.  "Unquote"

The Ugly Truth

Interiors:________________________

Sometimes the universe wants to show us an ugliness that exists within us. This is what happened to me last night. Sweetest yet most unstable N behaved with me in a way that I behave with The One. The only difference is that I am so annoyed with her that I am considering cutting her off for good whereas The One is still with me and obviously still in love with me.

The incident was really stupid. She kept on going on and on and on about men and the lack of them and the quality of them. She got on my nerves so to get rid of her, I told her fine, I'll give your number to a friend of a friend and if you guys hit it off then great, if not you have nothing to lose. I told The One and he advised me against it knowing how cuckoo and unstable she is. 2 days onwards, I am accused of low character because I thought of giving out her number to a complete stranger. So now I am judged on my thoughts and not my actions.

And that's when it hit me. I do this with The One a lot. He says things to test the water or out of boredom and silliness and I argue with him about it a few days later.

I do this a lot, an average of about once every 3 weeks. Nobody is perfect, and we must love one another despite our flaws. And maybe, just maybe The One does love me indeed. He is still with me despite all my mad actions and annoying habits so he must love me. So does this mean he shows his love through his actions?

What life lesson should I be learning? To be grateful for the little that I have with him because it is better than what many married couples have? Or should I be more patient with others and not take everything they say too seriously?

I wonder if this instability in me is what is stopping me from getting married?

Okay, so let's assume I was married and this incident happened with my sister-in-law, I wouldn't cut her off of course because I love my husband and this may lead me to lose him. I'd just let it pass and try to get my annoyance out in any other way but not through my husband of course.

Gosh, being a grown-up is so complicated.
_________________________________

check this out.

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

"Quote"

umm. that's real, lmbo . "making it work" does require some flexibility and some compromise. even though the phrase "making it work" is supposed to be a positive one, it often means biting your tongue and dealing with certain things that you don't want to i.e. disrespect, lying, cheating, etc . when I say 'dealing with', i don't mean tolerate ... i mean addressing, talking about, facing the issue. when it comes to making a relationship last, there will always be bumps in the road. people disrespect other people all the time, but you just have to use your better judgment and decide what is 'fixable'. contrary to popular belief, a lot of the time ... boyfriends don't cheat with the intention of hurting their girl. nevertheless, they may not be mature enough or love you enough to choose better judgment.

having a successful relationship is about knowing what you want. it's about knowing what you will and will not tolerate. some people can't tolerate cheating. some people can't tolerate being lied to. some people can't tolerate a loudmouth. some cant tolerate a bad kisser. so you should never feel bad about leaving a relationship. keep it 100 with the person you're dating about what you want, and if they can't honor that .. perhaps you aren't meant to be. God has somebody out there for everyone, but it'll still take work regardless. pray to God for wisdom and clarity . "love" is not letting someone walk all over you and hurt you because chances are that they don't love you in the same capacity. being in a mutual, [mature] love means that the two people are working as hard as they can to keep the relationship healthy & happy.

"Unquote"

Out of fear

Being in doldrums lately has taken its toll on my positivity. I am still not fulfilled and stability in everything is not gratifying now. I want more and more and more. First and foremost I want The One to declare his undying love to me. I then want him to propose and promise me a happily ever after, till death do us part life. I want him to be in love with me and no one else but me. I wish that to him, I am the only woman who exists. Its April now, and that anticipation is still there, bugging me, and constantly reminding me that I still have not received what I want when it comes to relationships. How much longer will I have the interest to persist? Am I close to losing interest and giving up? Right now, nothing is keeping me motivated but my studies and even with those I could be doing much much better.

And right now, I want to pray to God out of fear, not out of love. Recent deaths have increased this fear in me. I know, I know, I realize this means I am a hypocrite and will only love God if he gives me. I am very, I mean VERY grateful for everything that I have but I want more. Oh well, better go and pray.

________________________
Queen Asma of Morroco, a stunner don't you think? Happy that look shines in me.

Till we meet again,

Sedeso

2 or 1?

Catherine McPhee - wowweeee.Do our hearts have the ability and capacity to love more than one? As a woman, my past experience has shown me that I cannot love 2. I will always have a preference for 1.

And as I washed up this morning, I looked in the mirror and remembered all those women like Moni and her mom Nima who marry for money, status, connections, never-minding if they had to share their man.

But I could never do that. I'd become miserable if I even attempted to it. For my greatest triumph will be to conquer one man's heart - The One - and to protect my territory well. I don't know why I am convinced that with loving one person comes no other and with faithfulness comes no slips. I am convinced that loving someone means possessing them. The whole world may disagree with me on this statement but that is how I see ideal love to be: I love you, I want you and want to spend the rest of my life with you. Simple equation, n'est ce pas?

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

"Quote"   "Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.  "Unquote"