I wonder....

 _________________________________________
.....Had I played hard to get, would he have proposed to me by now?

"Quote" my heart used to make sense before this. now, it's flooded with memories of wide smiles, jumpy hearts, and secret, violet smooches. overflowing into my concentration and now my eyes bleed 'what ifs?' "Unquote"

I have no idea. I cannot help but wonder and hope for a miracle.

But. Hold on a second. Is there somebody else out there for me? Because in the past I've wished and wished and begged and hoped to be with a certain man, only for the universe to have split us up. But with time, someone somehow nicer comes along.

I am tired of this game really. Just give me my fantasy lifestyle. Give me my happily ever after ending. I am so afraid of not getting married ever, and of not having babies whom I want very much. They say what you fear the most usually comes true, but if you were in my place, wouldn't you feel the same way? Oh God, I hope not because I am also afraid of losing The One to a less worthy opponent simply because she was cunning enough and played by the book.

God, are you listening to me? Enough, please. I don't want blessings through a drip system, I want them by the buckets (sobs).

I've been tearful for the past few days. Something is trying to get out of me. Enough. Please just stop this and let the pain go away. I am tired, so tired. I just want to curl up in bed and sleep for a long long time. 

Till we meet again,

Sedeso

"Quote" FIGHT.

fight for the life that you want for yourself . i believe that we are more in control than we think we are . i have had this feeling of hopelessness for the past couple of months . i felt like everything was out of my hands, & all i could do was sit back & have God "do his thing" . i think i was wrong . my submission to the adversity of life was cowardly & being idle in life never helped anything or anybody. instead of standing still in life and allowing things to just 'happen', we have to make it happen.

I talked to my sister and I saw myself in her . she worked hard to mold the life she wanted. unfortunately, you can't control someone else's actions & her picture fell apart. sometimes we mold our lives like clay. we mesh, pull, rub, and mend until we have what WE WANT ...we try to quickly dry it ... to keep it hardened and solid. we never imagine that something will come along to make it all break into pieces. that discourages us. it's scary to think that you will have to sweep up the fragments of your work & simply "start over" like nothing happened.

but we can. I'm betting ALL of my chips on the hope that we have to fight for what we want out of life. whether it be for the career we want. the friends we want. the people we want. the marriage we want. the state of mind we want. we always say "it's in God's hands". true. but we ALSO say, "God helps those who help themselves ." you cannot make someone else be in accordance with your desires. you cannot make someone's mind up for them. hell, you cant even stop God's plan. However, I'm not going to wait around and let life push me into corners. I'll buck back at life ...even if all I do is shift it by a centimeter. ill just shift life centimeter by centimeter until I have it where I want it . God hurls miracles from such a far distance. the least I can do is walk in his direction to make the distance shorter. my friends, I suggest you learn to fight.  "Unquote"