Thou shalt not steal.....

So the man who stole my purse and stole cash has been finally caught by the police, 13 months onwards.  As much as my mother pestered me to ask the police officer not to go lenient on him, I wasn't interested at all.  It's true that a year onwards I still have not recovered all my cards but I am completely over the incident.  People steal for different reasons and I did not have the faintest interest in the man, why he stole, or what happened to him.  If I asked the police to punish him they would have given him a hard time.  Instead, I found myself (mainly due to the uncooperative officer), signing the thief's release forms since he was being kicked out of the country for other cases anyway.  I did not want to be the reason for this man to be taught a lesson because this is not something I do.  I am a firm believer that life is the best teacher and what goes around comes around hence revenge does not exist in my dictionary no matter how bitter I become.  Does this mean I have a submissive personality?  Maybe.  And even if it does, so what.  I am who I am.

Everything happens for a reason and you never know how life will surprise you pleasantly. 

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

Its a beautiful Life

I am slightly worried about the future because even though there are a few fun events lined up for 2010, my future remains a huge mystery.  I will have to be specific and pinpoint my marital status as my number one worry. 

And today, whilst waiting to take my overdue accounting midterm, I listened to my mother ranting on and on about how life has been treating her unfairly, not giving her anything that her heart desires. She is still waiting.  Funny, because I too am awaiting my chunky blessings to fall from the heavens. This time I didn't get too upset.  If anything, I started accepting my life the way it is because as I told my mother: nothing stays the same forever and change is the essence of life.  I do realize that as much as we're blessed right now, our situation is bound to change.  We are impatient and I carry a trophy for being the Queen of hastiness.  I guess we Aries are not known for our patience.

My degree is coming to an end.  I sit my final exam on the 8th of July and that's it, I graduated with a masters in Strategic xxx.  I felt so lonely walking in university today as I realized this is another milestone in my life and the future is as bleak and mysterious as ever.  What are those melancholy feelings I wonder?  Has it really been this long since I started this degree back in September 2008? 

Writing this, I can sense my life-changing.  I am aware there are forces that are moving about and shifting things.  I will not swear but I do not remember ever being more aware of my feelings and what is going on. And my baby?  I love him now more than ever and am certain of his mutual love and faithfulness.

In many older posts, I always wondered how 2 people can fall in love mutually and equally, be faithful to one another, marry and have a happily ever after ending.  Well, with the exception of matrimony, I have found it.  My prayers and pleas have been answered and I got what I wanted.  Will we ever marry?  I would like to say I hope so but I do not know what God has in store for me and how my life broth is being cooked and what blessings/herbs are being and will be added.

I am aware that every time one gets comfortable in life, perils are thrown his way to help him grow and evolve to become his ultimate self.  I will not think of the coming perils.  Right now, I choose to live in this moment and be thankful for everything that I have.

As my beau pushed my suitcase towards terminal 3, I told him something that I felt: "that these are my happiest days yet because he is in my life".

And finally, I wonder how much more beautiful can this life get?

To a wonderful wondeful life with The One.
________________________________

My baby turned 32 yesterday.  Until I get a proper gift, here's what I got:

He has issues with age more than I do so he turned around the 32.  Is he serious?

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

More of my mother......

Lately I have noticed how much of my physical features resemble my mother:  the roundness of my face, the chubby cheeks, the belly, the cellulite, the darkened elbows, the hair, and laying on the bed while watching TV.  Ofcourse, this is a natural phenomenon.  And even though for a split of a second, I thought to myself that I do not wish to be unhappy like her as I was growing up,  I remembered that the more we resisted something, the bigger the chances it is bound to happen.  Hence I must remember that yes I do carry alot of my mother's features, more than my father's but its okay because my combination of traits will react and live differently. 

I love my mother.  She is who she is.  She had alot of ups and downs and I hope to God that some blessings come her way soon.

Please God, bring my mother blessings that would brighten up her life.  Please God.  I beg you.

God, I look forward to having babies when the time is right.

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

PS: The One preached to me the night after I threw my last tantrum.  He told me that we should accept everything that happens to us.  But at the same time, we should be positive about things.  He kept repeating 'wish for the best' and I thought for a moment: did he mean marriage?  Was this a hint that he will marry me in due course?  Maybe.  Maybe God will be (Kind) kind enough and give me and my mother what we have been desiring.

For now, I must remind myself that I am blessed and that everything will happen at the right time.  The Greater Divinity is cooking our lives in a way that we may never comprehend because of our narrowed vision.

To a better, brighter, and more beautiful future.  Cheers, clink!!

PPS: Mother just told me that she is considering putting all she owns in my name because she does not trust the younger ones and my brothers may be controlled by their wives.  Even if she marries, the man may try to take all her wealth away.  She believes that I will distribute things fairly once she is gone.  I do not want to think of such a day.  Oh Lord, I wonder what sweetness the future holds. 

Insecurities...

Ever since I discovered the blog:  http://steviwonderwoman.blogspot.com/ , I have been immersed in thought simply because it's as if the blog writer was speaking directly to me.  She is a 19-year-old black American lady who has lost her mother to cancer.  To render her soul as beautiful would be an underestimation because I believe she is more than that.  The wisdom of her 19 years of age surpasses any that I have come across.  She is 10 years my junior but her personality outshines mine by miles.  This reminds me of what Nawaz S mentioned in that blog:  

_______________________________

From her blog:

INSECURE (adj): Lacking self-confidence; plagued by anxiety.

insecurity is an ugly word that no one wants to admit to themselves. unfortunately, this word is primarily associated with women. women are the ones who cry at night about the weight they have gained. women are the ones who say twisted things like, "what does she have that I don't have?!" however, if you think those are the only things that constitute insecurity, you are devastatingly mistaken my friend.

men's insecurity is also revolting. men who verbally abuse their women to make themselves feel superior. men who cheat because they're scared of getting cheated on. men who brag about their sexual activity to their friends. even worse, the men who LIE to their friends about the sex they get. (BTW, just because you get a lot of sex ... that does NOT mean that you were good. I have heard many of women laugh about guys and their lack of skill and/or equipment, eek) . nevertheless. there are two subtle, but VITAL types of insecurities that people have ...in both genders :

$$: before our race, our school, our frats/sororities, and our popularity ... we are a soul. that's the rawest thing that we have about ourselves . . our soul is the thing that we are born with, but also the most easily influenced thing. many people are so unsatisfied with their true personality .. therefore, they paper mache it with money. layer after layer, they lay label after label until they don't have to face who they are. don't get me wrong, fashion is cool; nothing wrong with wanting to look good. however, everyone knows "that someone" who has nothing better to talk about but their clothes & shoes; money they made, smh.

I admit that I can be a very insecure person at my worst.  If I weren't insecure about myself, I would not have cared about his past and the girls, Faye and Ibti.  Had I been more confident and secure his silly comments about my hair, skin, weight, and style would not have bothered me the least bit.  Which makes me think that he purposely tries to crush my soul and throw stones at my shaky security to feel good about himself since he knows that I am way out of his league.  Oh Lord, this makes me doubt whether we make a good match or not. 

_______________________________

♥ ♥ ♥ : relationships are meant to be used for an exclusive bond, not as validation. there are so many men and women who NEED to be in relationships to make them feel worthwhile. they need to prove to the world (or perhaps just themselves) that they are wanted and needed by someone else. you know the type: they constantly slip from one relationship into another, into the next ...sometimes the relationships even overlap lmbo . & these relationships don't mean shxt , they're just placed fillers. they can't face being alone because that would force them to face a mirror, to depend on no one but themselves. fact: the ultimate validation is God.

we all have insecurities ... BUT don't let them drive your life into the ground. watch yourself.

Till we meet again,

Sedeso

Mother's influence

"Quote" I can never explain what it's like to lose a mother. when I put those pink flowers on my mom's gravesite today, I was not sad because she was gone. I was sad because I missed her & there's a difference. heaven is said to be a place of unspeakable joy, beyond the extension of our understanding. if my mom can escape all the BS of the world and be with God, then that brings peace to my soul. it's just the missing ... HS graduation, Spelman acceptance, my career, my marriage, Christmas, my bro's prom, my children ... I won't be able to talk to her about it. it's just the missing. still, I am so thankful for a beautiful, bubbly, smart woman who loved me selflessly, relentlessly, and wisely. she is the epitome of who I want to be ... God, I am still thankful :] "Unquote:"

I love my mother so much of course and  I am proud to say that I take so many of her wonderful qualities.  We both love deeply and selflessly.  We both have charisma and are beyond average attractiveness.  I won't go on about the positive qualities but some of the ones that bug me.

I thought I was stubborn until I realized it all comes from my mother.  Her stubbornness comes before her happiness and tranquil mind. 

It is her, partly, who pressures me into the whole marriage thing.  I am dying for it myself but with my mother, it's an added burden of pressure and I cannot wait to get married simply to break free from her influence.  I won't cut off all ties, but at least I'll do things my way and deal with people differently.  I must however acknowledge the fact that she is my absolute rock without whom life would be difficult and bitter.  I simply need space and to be allowed to live my life my way.  I guess my years traveling all over and current living arrangement are a blessing from God who knows how much we will clash living under one roof, .....

______________________________________

Till we meet again,
Stevi

O' Sorrow & Despair, let me be.....

When will I be superfit?

When will I be beautiful enough that my looks take people's breath away?

When will I get hitched to the man I love mutually back if not more?

Yes please, let me be and let me live.  I need to stop this cycle.  This cycle of happy, then miserable might be the ruin of me and the best relationship I ever had.  My man is getting sick of it too.  But what I have to be grateful for is that atleast one small prayer I have asked God for I got.  I have always asked God to grant me a very patient man, some who can stand my ups and downs because unlike my family who are stuck with me, very few people can cope with all my energy.  And if anything, I am with a very patient man.

Yes dear reader, I have had another fit, but this time,it was unnecessary and I could have easily avoided it.  Why do I unknowingly create such problems?  Why can't I be happy with him and make him happy in return.

Could my mother's last night rant about my singleton status be the trigger?  Could be, because everytime she mentions matrimony, which has become a weekly topic,  my emotions go haywire and I end up first upset, then tearful and finally angry at God for giving me the thing I crave the most.

Growing up with Mill's and Boons Novels, I've always known that I am not the one to marry for the sake of marriage itself.  I am the one who needs to fall head over heels in love with someone before committing to a lifetime of sheer bliss.  I remember Carlito's words: not to marry unless I am deeply in love and totally consummated by it.  And now I have found this love  and I do not comprehend for the life of me why God won't just hitch us up. 

Dear God,

I look around around and all I see are happily married couples.  Or I see 'unworthy' people getting exactly what they want and when they want it. 

A book entered my life at the right time.  The forty Rules of Love it is called. And Lately I have been feeling like the Leper, who keeps asking God why he is so unfair.

All in all, I am unsatisfied right now.  My mind won't stop thinking and I don't know how to make it stop.

Dear God,

When will I get married and live happily ever after?  That is the only question I have for you. And keep in mind that nothing else you plan to give me will make me happier than matrimony. 

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

PS: I leave for the Palace in 4 days and I'm not that excited about it.

PPS: I have a wedding to attend in Lebanon in July and I only dream of going there with HIM.

PPPS: I won a package stay in Singapore for 2 days but that didn't make me excited.

Don't you get it? Nothing will bring me happiness but being his wife and one and only.

Thank you Lord

I always wondered what happened to all those prayers and pleads, the thousands of them that I sent out and up to God, some whilst being content and happy but the majority out of despair.  What happened to them?  And I got my answer yesterday, somehow.

My extremist uncle caught my teen cousins with some guys from the hood and flipped.  He called the police, then called their father, then made a big scene.  Their mother being the strong solid woman that she is got them out of trouble easily.

I realized that a certain one of my prayers have been heard and answered: God please hide my sins in heaven and on earth. For I too like to have my fun without being caught.  Thank you, God, thank you.  And forgive me God as my belief is very shaky.   

I got so angry at my uncle for his reaction because somethings should be dealt with carefully, and just like that, something clicked and I got tearful and realized that my man would have dealt with the situation more calmly. I realized what a wonderful man I am and how blind I can be sometimes. I teared up and bbéd The One telling him:

"Alot of incidences happen in my life and i compare and realize you are better than most men, thats when i regret arguing too much with you, and if i go around the globe i know i wont find anyone else who comes close, please forgive me, i appreciate that you are very patient with my craziness, i swear all men are shit compared to you and i thank God a thousand times that im with you, i love you and may we never part". 

Ofcourse he replied back telling me he loved me too and I am happy about something.  That lately by bb or on the phone, Ive been hearing declarations of love all along.  He says that he cannot live without me because I am the water to his life without which he will die.  He says that all other women are not worthy in his eyes when he compares them to me.  And he also tells me that his love is crazy and that is why he keeps his feelings under control otherwise I will get sick of his addiction and that I won't be able to handle his extreme emotions.

He would make a perfect husband and wonderful father.  I just wonder if we are meant to be hitched or not?  I truly and deeply hope so.

وكما أن الرزق مكتوب مقدر بأسبابه فكذلك الزواج مكتوب مقدر، وقد كتب لكل من الزوجين أن يكون زوج الآخر بعينه، والله تعالى لا يخفى عليه شيء في الأرض ولا في السماء

Last night I went to sleep thanking God for all that he has given me, for the discretion first but mainly for blessing my life with this man whom I hoping will give me my happily ever after ending.

________________________________________

My man is currently obsessed with Maryam Zakariae who dances in many of Saeed Shaysteh's video clips.  She is part of his current infatuation with the beauty of Persian women, silly man, lol!

Just look at her pic infront of the billboard.  See, she ain't nothing special.  I look way better than her.  Phew!! [Insert: FWD 2021: Oh my child I wish I could go back in time and stop you from comparing yourself to others.  You are enough, You are good enough.].  

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

Prayer Counter

Dear God,

What is the prayer threshold for fulfillment?  How many more prayers should I make until I get hitched to a man I love? 

So many people love me and pray to see me a beautiful blushing bride sooner better than later.  There's my mom, nan, aunts, friends, colleagues, random people etc.  So haven't all these prayers meant anything?  Because every time someone prays for me, I always hold on to it albeit being tearful and think to myself: that's it.  This is it.  God must have heard her/his prayer and will finally make it happen.

Monica prayed for me yesterday that I get my degree soon and a husband to follow shortly.  She is a pious woman and I hope God that you heard her well and that you are about to fulfill my deepest desire.

I am yet to learn patience God.

I will not stop hoping and praying and wishing and asking you for my deepest desire, regardless of how many times I fall down and break into a frenzy of tears.  Somehow, someway it will work out.

I can hear someone saying: God will make a Way.
__________________________
Yummy:

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

"Quote" my thoughts .

in my life, my mind is always the murderer . walking through my world with authority ... it kills the best of situations mercilessly . If something is going good with me , my mind creeps up and asks what will go wrong . All of the fruits sprouting from my life are eventually stomped on by my questions . my analyzing . my second, third, & fourth thoughts .

sure, you might say that "thoughts" don't kill positive situations . well who cares what you'd say ? i know the truth . doubtful thoughts cause you to walk differently . instead of walking through the fire with excitement and tenacity , thoughts can inject your mind with a syringe full of the "nevermind" . When you paralyze yourself from moving forward ... your lack of faith and weak mind are to blame .

you have a job interview and you cancel . you assume that the boss wont be impressed with your qualifications . you think that you don't have enough experience under your belt . you simply sabotage your opportunity . you have a great thing going with your girlfriend . she's everything you asked for, but you don't "trust no b*tch" ...you just wanna "get money" . all of these generic "hood phrases" that you soaked your mind in are contradicting your love for this girl and you keep testing her stamina . you have been hurt time and time again by boys dancing in men's shoes . This time it seems right ... but it did last time, and the time before that . you're trying to learn from your past, but not hold it against your new man like a pistol to his neck . you could be missing out on a good man because your mind is ingurgitating any positive outcome .

the mind is more powerful than you think . "Unquote"

Anxious Hopes

"Quote" 7. don't think a girlfriend or boyfriend's ex has nothing to do with your current relationship. it has EVERYTHING to do with your relationship lol. That experience (just like every other one) has molded your bf/gf into who they are today ... including their philosophies on love ." Unquote"

Is this true?  I am not sure because according to my knowledge, my man has been unlucky in love and has had his fair share of betrayals but I consider him to be a reasonably good man.  How much does this man love me?  I am not sure.  How much does he want me and want to be with me?  Again, I do not know because I do not comprehend how you adore someone but do not spend as much time with them.

The question, could you love someone but prioritize them after your family and your work?" If this is true then this man has a lot of control and I hate it.  I hate the fact that he withholds his emotions from me.  Was this how he was brought up though or is this a man / macho thing?

I don't know.  I don't know, I really do not know.  More than ever my life beyond tomorrow is a huge question mark and anticipation is killing me.

Will I get promoted?

Will I earn more?

Will my life continue to be exciting?

Will my mother get her dream abode?

Will I finally get my happily ever after?

These are no doubts.  They are simply hopes for my future.  And wish that somehow, in whatever way, I can one day look back at these hopes and tick them off one by one and laugh about it all.

Till we meet again,

Sedeso

PS: Just yesterday I realized that my accounting project is the last one I do before graduation.  I should seriously attempt to score high on this one.

"Quote" But God, what i wouldn't give for an equation for emotions. what variables are multiplied to equal confusion ? what needs to be subtracted to lead to a healthy relationship? what's the square root of the fear of intimacy? trust issues? is there some F.O.I.L method for the number of years, days, months, weeks needed before commitment? How many symbols, numbers, values, and "to the power of's" does it take to know when everything is just right ? or wrong?


"Unquote"

A sister or a stranger?

Saw one of my siblings yesterday at the old gym.  I stared at her right to her face and felt angry.  She just turned her face in the other direction and left the gym after chatting with some girls without resuming her workout.  I was slightly offended, upset and wondered to myself whether my immediate family will remain divided for the rest of my life.  You see 2 of my siblings chose to ditch madre and live with the extremely religious, and confused father with his new wife.  They have cut themselves off from madre's side of the family which is the only family who cares.  So assuming my father passes away one day, who will be left for them?  A stepmother?    No aunts?  No uncles?  No grandparents?  No social and loud siblings?  No mother?

I have been watching myself more closely than I used to, especially my thoughts and my reactions.  I am trying to be aware of my existence.  When I saw my sister I got angry and was partly glad that she is away, that she has chosen the other more miserable side. 

Which makes me wonder, since we are all connected by invisible bloodlines, could I have been a reason for the split or for pushing them away?  Because if this is the case, then I have a lot more strength than I realized.

In the end, I am sure this is the universe cooking my pot and working in mysterious ways.

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

PS: something is eating at me and I feel anxious and slightly agitated.  Could an emotion or trigger possibly be struggling to escape?

PPS: When it comes to matrimony, I just wonder what the future holds.  I do realize though that I still am struggling to let go and must put my faith and trust in God and the Universe. 

A bright note

Yaaaaay, I am going on an official visit to Londres on the 23rd with my boss. I should be staying in the Millenium at Mayfair.  So I will be in Londres for 2 days and will see him.  He says he misses me and cannot wait till we are reunited and I believe him. I miss him equally if not more.  I love this man for who he is and his imperfections I adore.  

On a bright note, I scored and proved that I am not as greedy as he may assume I am.  It is only today that he found out I am still studying because my finances ran short.  He nearly flipped because I didn't ask him for the cash.  Well, I proved my point, and I am glad he realized it now. 

______________________________

Till we meet again,

Sedeso

PS:"I wonder what exciting things are coming my way this summer"

Baby Faisal......

My unborn baby Faisal has turned 6 this weekend and it completely slipped my mind.  He is the dream baby. 

Happy birthday, sweetheart.  I don't want to wish you were here because I am not settled yet and I still am not able to provide you with a good life, a better one than what I had.

Last year I wrote a letter to my unborn children.  Check it out here .
________________________________

"Quote" a letter to my unborn child

my promise-wrapped potential,

my son. I want you to come into the world with big hands. I want you to enter the world with people in your palms. nothing will be too big for you to grasp because I love you. prejudice and apprehension will be mere roaches on the ground for you to step on towards success. your skin color is not a burden son, but instead a metal of honor & a medal of honor . . . please wear it as such. Embrace Black because it's more valuable than you think. I want you to crush the fear of failure with your thumb. with the other four fingers, I want you to help others when they have fallen. you can do this because I love you.

my son. I don't care what your passion is in life. you can be a movie director, a doctor, a photographer, a writer, a garbage man, electrician, advertiser, artist, politician, chef, teacher, cure cancer, legalize marijuana, or start your own clothing line. the only thing you cannot be is a fool. know that knowledge is the key to wisdom, and wisdom is the key to contentment. sigh. I WILL give your first three girlfriends a hard time ... because by the fourth, there is a chance that you JUST might get it right. no one will be good enough for my little boy upfront. I will embarrass you with some childhood nickname, but I hope it will humble you lol. I'll probably scream terribly loud at any of your sports events & make you blush when I send your dad to talk to you about sex [the ins & outs & in betweens]. I want you to take the world by storm ... because I love you.

you will treat women with respect. you will remember that every girl is someone's daughter. me and your dad will show you how to treat women because that is the backbone to a man's compassion, a man's heart. I'm sure you will go through your 'player stage' and stick your chest out when you get facial hair. ill laugh. oh, I want you to lose your sense of time. chivalry is the undying element of the earth and no 'trends' or 'fads' will stop you from being an individual. mamma didn't raise no follower! you won't be here until many MANY years from now (lol) but ultimately, I'll make sure that your soul is tattooed with a sense . . . of h u m a n i t y for the world. you will take responsibility for your place in the world as a Black man because I love you. because I love you already.

you will probably hear me and your father arguing when you're an infant, but we love each other. don't worry, it's just that neither one of us want to wake up at 4am to change your diaper :)

 

 " Ünquote"

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

Trust in me

This blog is me.  This blog is my journey to understand myself better for I believe there is no greater journey in life than that where you grown into your full potential as a mere earthling.

I just had another tada moment after having read vivi's humanity expanse blog:  Here it goes.

I suffer from anxiety and a fear from the future mainly because I do not know if I will get all that my heart desires.  I am so afraid of letting go and putting all my trust in God .  Does this mean I do not trust myself?

Till we meet again,
Sedeso 

PS: Thank you M.hai for triggering my doubt once more in my current beau.

PPS: Right now, more than anything, I would like to put my anguish, anger and anxiety to sleep until the holy month.  If I promise myself no more fights and anger outbursts with my beau, will I stick to my promise?

"Quote"

life is short, but it's wide ."
God's hands lay out the tortilla of our life flat .
then the contents are added and stuffed until we have the burrito of our fate . simple enough ? "Unquote"

False Alarm

It's not over, phew.  I bb éd him asking: is it really over?  His reply was: you're the one who keeps repeating let's break up. We are okay, we're back together now even though m.hai promises me that he has another lady stashed on the side whereas the fortune teller always promises my mother that he loves me and no other (a rhyme, haha).  In response to mhai I must quote and unquote:

"they say, "you should never let a man complete you". mmm, can he start me ? in all honesty, the undying burning in my soul starts and ends with you, my love. my mind is tiptoeing around the memory of your essence, careful not to crush the passion-colored eggshells of our romance. but I never liked the light, balanced dance of a tip-toe. I'm more of a lambada type of girl & that started with you.

they say, "never give your heart away, they might break it". I keep superglue in my handbag for emergencies. in contrast to the timid heart quotation above, a heart kept alone is malnourished in life. it never has the chance to grow tough skin. the beaming bliss of soaring in love is worth the pain if I fall to the ground. you can sign my affection-caused cast when I pick myself up to love again . a heart is priceless, and even though it is sometimes sold in the black market for cheap . . . its capabilities and its strength are often underestimated.

they say, "love is blind". [smirk], well I trust you to guide me. is that not love? being able to close your eyes in life and trust that your counterpart will take your hand? lead you through the adversity? they say that people in love cannot see. they can, but they choose to close their eyes ... at least I do. the memory of you warms me in my coldest hour . the thought of us can bring the world to its knees.

"they" do not know you. "
__________________________________________

It is true.  When the going gets tough, my first instinct is to pull away and ditch it all.  I will not refer to myself as a fighter but time has shown my tendency to persist when I deeply know my goal is semi-achievable.

I am confused about an issue and I am not sure which school of thoughts to abide by.  Firstly, there is the Islamic belief that your whole life is written, what you will do, who you will become, how successful you are to be, whether you are to marry and who you will end up with.  If this is the case then why should we bother chasing dreams and wanting things that are not meant to be ours?

Then there is the conflicting belief "لا يغير القضاء إلا الدعاء ".  So if I pray and pray and pray and beg, even more, will destiny re-write itself and grant me what I deeply and hopelessly dream of?

And then came the international phenomenon: The Secret, which puts you in charge of your own destiny and allows you to play god in your own life. If my life is the result of my thoughts then I'll forsake religion and think happy thoughts and plan my life accordingly.

I am still confused.  I want certain things from life and day by day I am able to draw them more accurately. Should I let go of my dreams and let life surprise me or should I persist in my prayers?

Me know not.

Sedeso, please be happy.  You have a lot going on for you.  You are healthy, you have a great job, your degree is nearly over and you have a man you only dreamed of ever meeting.  So count your blessings and stop being so greedy and let the future sort itself out for you.

_____________________________________

A Blanco wedding which mom would love but I'm not sure I will like.

"Quote"

So many people are going through the same type of dilemmas all of the time & unfortunately, I'm no exception. My problems simply aren't that huge. No matter what happens, God is going to see me through and protect me and ill be okay. No matter what happens, God will never forsake me and I'll grow stronger and wiser from every experience. I'm no longer worried, I'm no longer scared, I'm just counting it all joy & excited to see what life has in store . . .

"Unquote"
 
Till we meet again,
Sedeso

traumatized.

The dagger has just stabbed my heart about half an hour ago. We had a row and he swore he'll never call me again. I am still too traumatized to take it all in.

Till we meet again if I make it through this.
Sedeso

Fake it ....

"Quote" you see, everyone is fake to a certain extent . we pretend to be someone else in public . we are concerned about our gossip ...but IN DENIAL that it might actually be true . we say things we don't mean . sometimes we even come into situations, experiences, places, and relationships with ulterior motives

hell, i have some fake people around me as well . they think no one notices their dirt, but it's all been laid out to me. the things i know about some of my fake 'friends' could curdle milk, but i remain quiet . girls who cant stand me, but want to be in pictures with me ? guys who 'want a friendship', but really want my legs spread like butter . girls who pass judgement on me for who i am ? guys who are scared to 'seem' like douche bags, so they straight up LIE about who they are . i know more than they think i do ... sometimes, it's just best to shake your head & undermine them with a smile . i wonder if it's best to keep those people close ? sure, you're close enough to see their dagger ... but you're also close enough to get stabbed ... "Unquote"

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Breakfast ideas:

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

define happiness

Dear God,

My definition of happiness is to marry The One and have a stable, loving marriage with lots of cute babies.

Yes God, this is what I want from this life.

Won't you just make me happy?

Till we meet again,
Sedeso