Monday, December 28, 2009

Fishy

Is he really doubting my fidelity or playing mind games?
Last night he accused me of having someone on the side. There are people on the side, this fact I have never denied, but they are all simply friends. But should I worry because when people doubt it means they themselves are playing around. hhmmm
I denied it of course and I was not lying. In my heart, lies only The One.
I wonder what the future holds for us? Dear Universe, please be straightforward kind, not cruel to be kind.

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

The Art of Romance

From http://magnoliarouge.blogspot.com/
The Art of Romance
The following is a lovely piece from a blog written by Jolene, one of my previous clients and I thought it was rather apt for a wedding blog. What she says is SO true! Sometimes it's easy when planning a wedding to get weighed down with trying to find the perfect venue, your dream dress, and the right shade of pink to match the bridesmaids' dresses to the flowers! In the midst of planning, make sure you take time out as a couple to remember why you are knee-deep in tuile. Don't lose sight of the most important part; that you are taking this important journey as a couple and marrying your best friend. Think about what's really important to you and how you want this to be reflected on your big day, and if you're in it together the rest will all fall into place!

Walking home from our local grocer's earlier today, I came across an old couple, possibly in their late 60's to early '70s, who were strolling along the sidewalk, hand in hand. I couldn't help but smile and was sorely tempted to take a picture, except a) I didn't want them to think I was a weird camera-totting Asian tourist who walks around taking pictures of everything, and b) I didn't want them to think I was weird.

So instead, I smiled, said a polite hello, while the gentlemen still holding his partner's hand and swinging it back and forth, smiled, and used his free hand to tip his black beret at me as we passed. This reminded me of the time I went up to the observation deck in the John Hancock building in Chicago, late one snowy winter's night, and chanced upon another old couple, dancing arm in arm by the window, to a Sinatra song that was playing over the speaker. Like this afternoon, my heart melted, and sent a signal to my brain - I want that.

People always think romance is about grand gestures. Elaborate, over-the-top actions, like hiring a plane to write 'I love you' in the sky, proposing on one knee in the middle of a fancy restaurant, taking her out for a big night on the town, or decorating your entire house with roses and candles as a surprise. And perhaps, for some, that is what it takes. I, however, have always been more fond of the little, everyday gestures. Like my husband driving me from store to store, to look for the exact bottle of Malaysian chili sauce I have been craving for. Or renting a girly movie just because he knows I'll enjoy it. Or never failing to give me a kiss each morning before he gets out of bed. Or getting rid of all the bugs that came in at night before he goes to work just so I'll wake up to a bug-free home.

Because the thing is this. Romance, whether it's the little everyday gestures, or the huge, extravagant ones, takes effort. And they require effort, because like anything worth working for, it is an important part of a relationship. Being romantic is what separates your relationship from a friendship, or a casual one-night stand. If you're in a relationship, there's only one person, in your life, at that very moment, that you kiss on the lips, whose hand you hold, whose shoulder you rest and cry upon. And when you're married, there will only be one person in your life, for the rest of your life, who will walk beside you every step of the way. And isn't that worth something? Isn't that worth celebrating with a little romance every once in a while?

So many couples, whether they're still dating, or have been married for five months, or ten years, forget that. We let life, work, problems, chores, children, pets, housework, and everything else that can get in the way, get in the way, and we start to take each other for granted. We forget to simply stop, and take five minutes to tell the person we share our life with, how much we appreciate them. How beautiful we think they are. How lucky we know we are.

We can learn a lot from these couples; the ones who never forget the importance of a little act, the ones who still hold hands, and touch each other's backs when they walk into a room, or dance by the window on a snowy night. They remind me of what's important. I don't need a man who surprises me with expensive trips overseas, or luxurious spa treatments, or outings to a fine-dining restaurant each week (although that would all be lovely). What I need, and want, is a man who tells me he loves me every day. Who knows my favorite type of wine, and points it out to me when we're doing our grocery shopping together. Who I can share a bowl of ice cream with him after dinner, because it's fun, and because he knows I can never finish an ice cream on my own. Who wakes me up with a kiss every morning, and sends me off to sleep with a kiss each night, because there's simply no better way to begin and end a day.

When all is said and done, there's simply nothing more important, than remembering to walk hand in hand, no matter how old you are, or how long you've been married, through summer and winter, stormy and calm, good days and bad, because otherwise......otherwise, you're just walking alone.
_____________________________
Till we meet again,
Sedeso

Sunday, December 27, 2009

To beautify thyself...

Lately, I have been considering seriously the ways in which I can enhance my looks. I have considered the following:

1) To get lasik done since I have been squinting my eyes alot have developed visible forehead lines.
2) Perhaps get fillers for the darkness under my eyes but this will definitely alter the shape of my face.
3) Get rid of my braces.
4) Get my teeth whitened, which means I may have to start drinking coffee with a straw to prevent the staining.
5) start bleaching and regularly scrubbing and buffing my skin.
6) Regularly oil my hair, especially the ends because of the damage caused by swimming. I miss my frizz-free locks.
Anyways, I doubt any of this is too extreme like those plastic surgery fanatics.

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

My Baby's got the Blues

My baby has been seriously depressed lately and I do not know what to do about it.

I worried that I may have been the cause for why he is distant and gloomy and in a solemn mood all the time. I thought hard and tried to remember what I had done or said that may have upset him this much but I could not remember anything that may have triggered this attitude.

The only thing that came to my mind is that he was upset because of a lost love. He is financially very stable. All his family members and loved ones are healthy. He is on leave so that could not be a problem. Therefore, the only meaningful reason for his neglect is a new love or an old one who is back on the scene.
 
But then I asked myself. Could he be suspecting my innocent side attempts for attention and affection? I am not cheating, no sir. All I'm doing is keeping myself occupied with friends from the male gender who will spoil me, treat me well, dote on me and tell me how precious and beautiful I am. Since I am not getting the attention of 1 man I might as well try to find it somewhere else that is safe. All I'm looking for are words like: you are beautiful, you are amazing, you are one of a kind. Words that may be fake but will simply lift my mood and spirit.
 
Till we meet again,
Sedeso

Friday, December 25, 2009

Aspirations for 2009

I don't know what's going and I am very confused.
The last time I saw my therapist, she made an assumption that I would turn The One down once he proposes. Really? Would I do that? And could I possibly be this insane?
In the meantime, I've been contemplating what my new year's resolutions are. Should I be focused and define to the universe what I hope to achieve or should I let the universe surprise me?
I'm planning on scribbling whatever I aspire to achieve in 2009 down on a paper and setting it free to the wind on a large merry-go-round, right from the top during my next visit to the park with the ladies..

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Shimmy my life back

A small part of me is back.

I ditched dancing for so long because of the negative remarks I kept getting. It went to the extent of being called names, you know of which kind.  Eastern people will forever link dance to trash, unfortunately.

I've always had a passion for dancing. Ever since I was a kid, I'd stand in front of the television set and copy the dance clips. It made me enter my own dream world.

I remember clearly the day me, Mimi, jenna and the Lebanese business tycoon had dinner at Paparazzi. There were very few tables occupied. 2 tables away were a bunch of Arabs or Asians minding their own business and socializing over dinner. The Latino band started playing, and something felt alive within me. I swear that sometimes when I used to dance, it felt more like an out-of-body experience. Something within me couldn't stay still. So I excused myself and got up and danced. It was only me on the dance floor that night. I didn't care about what anyone thought. I only wanted to enjoy myself and my time. Pretty soon, I wasn't even aware of anyone else's existence anymore. It was just me becoming one with the music. It felt euphoric. And all of a sudden, the music ended, I was forced out of my trance and back into reality to the sound of applause from them all. I was surprised mainly because I could not remember how I danced.

Last Tuesday I went back to Lydia. She remembered me immediately and even recalled my name. She told me once again how good I used to be and how I was the only one who practiced. I joined the beginner's class and even though I still had it, I've forgotten some of my most basic moves like the shimmy. The classes have advanced alot since my days but I am sure I'll be able to catch up and enjoy the process. I couldn't hide my grin as we were dancing. I could see a smile forming on my chest as if my body was expressing its pleasure.

I want to take up dancing once again, is what I told Lydia. And I cannot wait till my next class.
_____________________________________
Lovely furniture, light colors the way I like it:
Till we meet again,
Sedeso

Saturday, December 12, 2009

cry baby cry

There's a baby crying behind me and my heart is softening.  Motherhood hormones are throbbing.

Will I? Won't I? Can I?
_____________________________
White events

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

The perfect life?

Today, I saw a posh extended Indian family socialize over lunch. I looked at the mother. She looked perfect: toned, slim, waxed, manicured, perfect hair and nails, has cute children and with a huge grin on her face. Its as if she is telling the world: I've made it. I have it all, the doting husband and the perfect family. I know that nobody is perfect.

I just hope that one day, I can try standing in her shoes and flash a grin to the world.

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

Friday, December 11, 2009

The only thing I ever wanted....


To me, finding a true love and celebrating it with matrimony has been the mission of my life. Its what I've wanted ever since I was a little girl. I've known it before I even hit 10. A big part of me believes that is one of my purposes in life. So why is it that the universe hasn't given me what I've always wanted? And even if I were a picky person, this should not be a reason why I am not hitched to my soulmate yet.

Geez, I wonder when the Universe will decide to give me get me hitched for love.

Coveted Item Du Jour:
Till we meet again,
Sedeso

Saturday, December 05, 2009

You, and no one else....

Dear God,

I want The One, and nobody but him.

The healing process has started and I am slowly gaining back his strong emotions.

Although I was petrified whilst driving to his city, I loved it because I was going through hardship to keep my relationship going.

I love him. Do you get it Dear Universe?

Dear Fairy Godmother, please swoosh your wand and sprinkle us with mutual love and devotion and fidelity and lots of beautiful children and happy moments.
Till we meet again,
Sedeso

Friday, December 04, 2009

Beware my demonic heart....

_________________________________________
I love him more than life itself. I was enjoying my foodat Trader Vic's and looked up at how imperfect he was yet how I would never change his looks for the world. His beard, his very dark circles, his balding head and his tender, soft brown skin. I wouldn't change his looks for the world. He is perfect in my eyes.

I've hurt him this time. I really have. I could see sadness in his face. He loves me and is trying his level best to be with me and please me.

What a bitch I can be sometimes. How ungrateful I am. God has given me the perfect man, a man I only dreamt of having and this is the way I treat him? I know he loves me because he is still with me and I better not ruin this relationship since this is the real stuff. This is what fairy tales are made of.

I swear that if I was with any other man, he would have left me for good.

This is why I am truly blessed to have him in my life.

But what was I thinking? I know the answer as per usual. I was hurt myself for God knows what and I decided to bring out my anger and frustration onto him and hurt him. I have wanted to hurt him for awhile now because consciously:I was reflecting my frustration, and unconsiously: I was pushing the boundaries to test the limits of his patience (dangerous).

Love need not be a rollercoaster. Love is what I have with him: comfortable, safe, stable and secure for life.

Dear God, please please please help me. I must see the light. I must stop hurting the love of mine. I must put all my efforts into loving him, being happy with him and making him the happiest man alive. 
May this post serve as a reminder why he is The One and why I should control my inner demons.

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

"Quote" i suppose i'll have a story to tell my little girl someday .

that's how i like to look at it, 'these things'. i just like to sit and think about the way i can tell my little girl that pain comes and fairy tales are for suckas .

but how ? all you want to do is stop her heart from burning , crusting on the outside and then roasting internally . who can handle giving their child Neosporin for their burns ? saying, "sweety, hearts burn slowly, but you have to extinguish them quickly before the flames spread to the mind ". she'd never understand ...my hypothetical daughter, that is . how do you tell your little girl these things ?

i just wanna wrap caution tape around disappointment and anguish . should she know that 'happily ever afters' often leave out 'behind the scenes' footage ? all you want to do is tell her that Cinderella probably has a jealous, obsessed ex that prince charming doesn't know about . maybe we can watch Snow White on Maury and her paternity test of the seven dwarfs . hopefully, we'll catch the 'Cheaters' episode featuring belle when she cheats on the beast with that horny, talkative, french candle stick guy ? somewhere along the line, i imagine i'll be torn between saving her innocence or branding it as naivete . honestly, somethings gotta give .

'cause this feeling aint for amateurs . . . and i could never take the tears of my little girl if she got her heart torn apart .Lord, please bless me with a boy . "Unquote"

Saturday, November 21, 2009

The Ease of it....

The process of marriage amazes me. It's intense thoughts are more than obsessions. Trust me. On the contrary, every time the thought creeps into my mind, I become alert and push it away, trying instead to focus on other things. And things have been fine, although the idea has crept up quite a few times. The important thing is that I would consider it under control. And when it hurts, I simply look up to the sky and tell HIM: "I give up, I will leave it all in your hands".
I've noticed that for some people, it is truly meant to be. The guy is interested in a certain girl, regardless of his/her differences and background. He tells his mother. It takes 5 minutes to convince her. Then he informs his siblings. Some may have their own opinions but in the end they are all up for it. So the guy proposes. He gets a positive reply within a few days. They visit them again to set the dates and within a few months, we receive an invitation card to attend their weddings. Simple. Too simple and straightforward.

But, what I've also noticed in my family is that this process is never smooth and often full of complications that end the process before the wedding itself.
I don't want to label it as unjust or unfair. I am simply confused as to why some people are so lucky in life. So, why can't we all get what we want? It's a matter of raising your want, abracadabra and whoosh, your want is a wrapped up gift in your lap.

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

Friday, November 20, 2009

His depression

Ashwarya Baby!!!

My baby has been depressed.
Yours truly on the other hand has been very paranoid. Does he know? Is he doubting? Does he have any inkling of doubt? But I haven't really done anything. Honestly, I didn't sleep with anyone else. What I also find amazing is that the universe is blocking and denying me every attempt. Is it the university or is it my unconscious mind-controlling the sequence of events???
And then paranoia takes a different direction. Why is he not talking to me as much as before? Is he bored of me? Could this be the beginning of the end? Or is it simply a few days of boredom?
But it's not me. I am sure of that. It is him who is having issues. So it is best to be gentle and allow him some time to reflect.

All I know for now is that I love him. Truly and with devotion. I love every single thing about his body. Actually, its my aphrodisiac, and I am addicted to him and it.
And right now, all I wish for is to sleep in his arms and wake up where both of us are more in love with each other than we were before.

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

PS: I hope I get to celebrate all my happy occasions and the public holidays with him.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Am I really that pretty?

I've always known that my looks were above average. Yet, The One, is making me question myself.

I love him so much, but I also want to hurt him so much.

I find myself questioning whether he deserves to be with me or not?

The people around me cannot stop complimenting me on how beautiful I am. I am sure I am stunning because regardless of what I am wearing, everywhere I go, alot of eyes tend to be on me. Even Su3ad has noticed this and mentioned it so many times: "You've got that look that makes people want to look back and stare".

Just yesterday Nada saw me in college and posted on my Facebook: "Btw, you looked gorgeous today, you always look wow".

Toddler told me: "you look fine" when he saw me last. And then wondered why I cannot see what he sees.

So why does The One not tell me that?

I don't care about the whole love thyself preach, every woman regardless of whether she was a farmer's wife or Miss Universe wants to be seen as the most beautiful female by her man. Again, what I want is simple, very simple. So why can't I have it?

God, are you listening to me?

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

Monday, November 16, 2009

More Doubts?

Sensations tend to be very strong and are transmitted I believe through people. People behave the way you expect them to most of the time. This is because they reflect what is in you.

Last night, I got alarmed at something. When I told him: I love you, he just went quiet. I got shocked.

Did he sense anything or was it simply my mind playing tricks on me as per usual?

Is he faithful to me? I think so. But only time will tell. And when asked if I doubt him, his immediate answer before my reply was 'not to doubt him.

Is this the beginning of the end or yet again, is everything absolutely fine and it's my mind that is playing tricks on me?

Only time will tell.

Oh, I do not know.

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Temptation got the best of me...

Eventually, it does... let's not deny it.

Temptation is a strong force of your negative thoughts. You remain fighting it for a long long time. You struggle. You fight even harder. Either you bottle up and your frustration explodes in your everyday life through bitter behavior. Or you give in, so easily.

Some may feel extreme remorse. While others like yours truly, feel avenged. A part of me, an insecure part of me is trying to get even with a past of 40 that is long gone and forgotten.
Part of me felt great yesterday. I was described as perfect and they would take me the way I am, imperfections and all. 

The One deserves it. The One does not deserve someone as good as the "good me". So I am morphing into what he deserves in this life.

Till we meet again,
Sedeso


Saturday, November 07, 2009

To Cheat or Not To Cheat?

That is the question.

Opportunities for infidelity on my side are limited but not extinct. There's the blast from the past that is lurking behind the scenes, occasionally getting in touch to check on me.

I've always rejected those approaches even at times of desperation and loneliness. The main reason I rejected these approaches was the feeling of disgust.  That's not who I am at all.

My man has this filthy look on his face. This look which horny men get before deciding to bang anything remotely female. He claims the number is 40, maybe more. My therapist insists that this number is an exaggeration. She estimates atleast 10 women less than what he claims.

There is a part of me that is very angry,. If he has banged this many women, he doesn't deserve to be with me. I know that he claims to be a changed man but isn't it the case that a leopard never changes its spots?

I am tempted to get even. I was tempted to get even today and contact the blast from the past. But something, perhaps its the voice of reason within me that is holding me back, and slowing me down. This voice is echoing: "you can get even but not yet. He hasn't given you any reason to get even. He's done nothing but be a good man. So hold it. There is no point in getting even with ghosts from the past."

This voice of reason tries but soon afterward, the anger comes back.

Had I passed by him on the street any day, or had I been briefly introduced to him, I would have imagined him with an ordinary girl. Someone has probably chosen by his mother and sisters to be an obedient wife.

"Quote" The truth of the matter is, one person's trash is another person's treasure  "Unquote"

Now, this matter is trifling. If I am confident enough in most aspects in my life, then why the hell am I insecure about every single female he might have come across? Especially 3oraib?

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Post-Trip Emotions

Last night I spoke to him and was on the verge of tears. I want more devotion and dedication. I am so greedy and have my fair share of jealous fits.

So how do I feel 4 days after coming back from my trip?

Mixed emotions that's what I will call them.

There's sheer bliss, knowing that The One? is mine for now. I own his heart and soul. I am his one and only.

There's a slight worry that this is the best it'll get and there's no what's next.

And there's the insecurity of his past, and my constant worry about what if any were better than me, in looks, in bed, in attitude. Although my therapist and every other sane person keep on reminding me that if his past meant anything then it'd still be here. He got over it, regrets some of it and chose me. So this should be the biggest indicator of his dedication.

I also feel sad because it was a great week that we spend together. It was so relaxed and we thoroughly enjoyed each other's company. I was too relaxed that I had a few vaginal orgasms, so this should tell you something.

Nobody has a clean slate and certainly not a 30-year-old man. Here's the stereotype: Bedouins are known to fall in love deeply and intensely, are possessive of their loves, show their emotions physically whilst they make love, marry for love more than modern Arabs, are great in bed, but they are also known to fall in and out of love easily and sleep with other women they like even more easily.

What I will never understand are one-night stands. How can you touch someone you have no feelings for? How do you feel knowing that you've picked up a girl in front of your friends and you're screwing her in the next room? How much respect will your friends have for you, regardless of whether they are doing the same thing or not?

I cannot believe I am going around in circles when it comes to my insecurities. Let's see when it's going to come to an end. I need to gain more confidence, become self-assured and get over a lot of insecurities.

Annoyed because she has a professional make-up artist and hairstylist to do her up whereas I only have myself to work on my looks. 

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

Saturday, October 31, 2009

& The Intimacy

Who knew I'd be able to cum so quickly and so hard with so much ejaculate that I'd wet the bed. Wwowwwee.

I know I have come vaginally because, by the 3rd day of good shagging, I realized if it could be this good, I don't want to masturbate anymore. For a few moments, I realized that a vaginal orgasm is a lot deeper than more satisfying than a clitoral one and I hated the latter. I even yucked it believe it or not.

But what is important is that I was able to relax and be with him in the heat of the moment. Sex sure is better when you are in love.

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

ps: I LOVE him.

Monday, October 05, 2009

A mocking Universe?

Irony is when you get a potential suitor one hour after your beloved gets on a plane to travel.

The funniest thing was my reaction. I didn't panic. I was calm and agreed to meet this suitor (supervised ofcourse) at a public outlet.

Deep down inside, I know that I do not want him, and I have a feeling that I will reject him but it is not wise to reject what the universe is putting in my path. This is why I must try to keep an open mind.

My therapist says that those suitors appeared because matrimony has been on my mind lately.

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

Shaken ego

2 days before my beloved left to Londres, I went crazy and overwhelmed by envy from the singer I posted about before. Her name came up and he repeated how stunning she was. I became very bitter and for the split of a second even considered ending this surreal relationship.

Even though he told me I am his Queen and that no woman will take my place in his heart, my hardened heart refused to calm down and listen to him. But come night fall, all the fear from spending a future alone and fear or regretting not having held onto The One?

The reason for my mad outburst was a comparison I had in my head. You see, to me he is the ultimate male species, imperfect to others but perfect in my eyes. No man even comes near him in my affection. They all are bleurgh in my opinion. I pass by every male species not even paying any attention to them. So why does he not see me the way I see him? Why can I not be the most beautiful woman in his eyes? I've witnessed men fall in love with fat, ugly and deformed women, so surely somebody out there must see me as the epitome of beauty? Non?
I am currently seeing only the middle reflection. What I have to see is the right reflection only.

And don't you dare label me as too demanding and high maintenance because this is the least I could ask for. That the man I am in love with sees me as beautiful.

Now, I will not be totally unreasonable as I know that in order for him to see me as beautiful I must see myself as beautiful. I promise you I am working on that.

I love him but I am slightly worried because I realized lately that I tend to be of the jealous, possessive type. I just hope I get over my insecurities faster than one can spell out Bootylicious!!!

Of course, he proved to be the bigger person of us and laughed my childish behavior away.

Let us just hope that we do not have repeated episodes of jealousy and rage caused by the Eastern singer.

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

Friday, October 02, 2009

The Last Dinner

Modern Simple Bridal Looks ___________________________
________________________
My heart grows fonder each day for The One. <=== A lie.

I am deeply, madly in love with him. Keeping aside my slightly annoying nature and nuisances, this relationship could not be more perfect, unless he slips a ring on my finger and pops the question. This would definitely be the cherry on top. My beloved is leaving to Chicago in 2 days to pursue a higher degree. And for our last dinner, he decided to take me back to where we had our first dinner date: the Iranian restaurant by the river. I was so pissed off for many reasons which include my high expectations of a cadeau, my annoyance at the constant referal to other ladies as beautiful or stunning, his lack of compliments to the outfit that took me hours to put together, and him not showing his affections even though I am sure of their existance. But at the end of the night, I got cash to go and buy myself a laptop as a gift. I felt slightly insulted because he gave me money. I felt cheap. I wish he just bought me the laptop and gift-wrapped it for me. Why does he not understand that I do not take money from men no matter what? I have a family who will never cease to help me out. And I have alot more dignity than he can imagine. I am somehow looking forward for him to leave so I can rest. I don't feel like beautifying myself, not waxing and putting extra effort in my looks. I need a break.

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

31+

Another moment, this morning.

Last night I had a heart-to-heart chat with my beau. He decided to come clean and admitted to having humped over 30 chicks. For a 31-year-old man, he is a Male-Whore in my opinion. I felt something negative, it was more than disgust at the number. 

You see, if you have not figured it out by now, I am competitive by nature, of the jealous type, and have many insecurities that I am yet to resolve.

Deej installed fear in me (of being cheated on if I lack skill and technique) when she told us over dinner how her husband cheated on her because she was no good in bed).

I am very confused about this issue. 

Having figured this out, my core affections for him remain strong. 

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

Saturday, September 26, 2009

One Night Stands

Again, I am disgusted with him. The first time I was this put off by him was when I found out he'd had a few one-night stands with random strangers and he did not always use protection.

The future looks a bit gloomy right now and I am doubting the longevity of this relationship.

He says the past does not matter anymore. He has killed it and had enough of the randomness.

I am upset that he is not as pure as I am. He admitted today (under my insistence) to have had over 30 sexual partners.

Once again, I am upset and had an argument over the phone.
________________________
Dear God,

I wish to be married and have children. I don't mind marrying The One. The ball is in YOUR court now.


Till we meet again,
Sedeso

PS: This is a full-on relationship, with its ups and downs. We will hopefully work through this.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Mars & Venus

Men and Women: Mars and Venus.

Are we meant to understand men? Are they meant to understand us? Or are we meant to remain in conflict for eternity never comprehending what makes the other sex really tick?

I believe I am very frustrated with The One and I think I know part of why I turn from honey to bitch with him. I am frustrated with him mainly because of fear. What is it that I fear?

I fear the future the most and what may come with it: a break-up or unfaithfulness. I shouldn't be silly but sometimes my love for him feels so surreal.

I am annoyed that he hasn't hinted much of our future together. (Please God, let us have a happily-ever-after future together). And if he was secretly, how come he's not saving up for it?

I am annoyed that he rarely admires my looks although I do put a huge effort all the time.

And I do not understand him fully. It frustrates me that he remains a mystery to me. Is this a good thing? Me not know.

But I know one thing for sure. I adore him. I love him with my all. And something tells me it's not possible to find a better man. Funny, because I do not want anyone else, regardless of how imperfect he may be.

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

"Quote" A friend of mine is going through some serious pre-marital baby fever . she's super excited to have a kid one day. the cuddling of the infant in her arms. holding the toddler's hand as they walk through the mall . the first time their kid says, "mama" . you know, the typical stuff . But then we got to wondering, why do we want kids ?

I'm not asking in a, "I don't like kids, don't wanna have some" type of a way. i mean, why does society need to want to have kids ? my friend suggested that it's strictly for selfish reasons , "we don't HAVE to make babies . there are plenty of babies out there without family's that need a good home ..." and she's right . we make babies because we want to create a life that was once a part of us . A father wants to continue his legacy . A mother wants to be able to say, "that is my blood ... I did that". Bringing a life into the world is a huge deal, and although some people take it lightly, we all have an instinct to make more of ourselves.

"Unquote"

Monday, September 21, 2009

The One on Jealousy

This is a new one:

I am a very jealous female. I am not sure though which feeds on the other. Is my jealous nature driving my constant competitiveness or vice versa?

I am too jealous for my own good. I admit it and I admit how unhealthy it is.

For the past 2 days, I have literally gone MAD. No, Bonkers is more like it. I mentioned the singer to my man and his comment was, she's not just pretty, she has a HOT body.

Fuck Him.

I was boiling. I cried, I hated myself. I started imagining all sorts of negative scenarios in my head. It got to the extent that I considered leaving him.

I need help. I will ask my therapist about this. I don't want my jealousy to ruin the best relationship I ever had. The thing is, I know the answer. As usual, the answer is in me. I feel this jealous because I am not secure with myself and who I am and what my abilities are.

I am even considering dressing like a vixen the next time we go out to dinner so that he notices how all the men cannot keep their eyes off me (insecure I know).

Why should I be with someone who finds a singer hotter than me? He either sees me as the hottest thing or forget about him. I know he does find me attractive but he is the boyfriend who shows it the least.

On the other side, he did (bless him) tell me he fancied her before he met me and that I am the Bentley that shouldn't compare myself to the Camry. 

So we'll just see how it all resolves.

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

I bet you're curious as to who is this other woman is who has triggered such emotions in me. Here she is.
"Quote" "I hated to think of him smiling unless he was smiling at me. His grins were too precious to be wasted on ordinary mortals, especially women .""Unquote"

Friday, September 11, 2009

Another one of the flock...

Mansoor F married someone he loved. He is a father now. I am so jealous, not because I have any feelings for him, God no. I am jealous because he is a person with a dark past, yet God gave him a love marriage and a healthy baby boy. He is now a decent, loving father and husband and he flaunts his love to his wife.

Life is funny in the way it gives people what they want.

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

Monday, September 07, 2009

The one on giving too much

This, I have always wanted to change about myself. Giving too much and doing as much.

I just got shocked by Wildcat's refusal to go for a flat viewing. I cannot fathom her justification that viewing a flat is a huge responsibility with greater consequences. She could have simply said she cannot instead of trying to come up with lame excuses. Makes me regret half the things I've done for her in the past.

Oh well. Life continues to throw such incidents into my face, reminding me that I am too trustworthy for my own sake. And it matters to me no more since my main devotion is him right now.

To more let downs.

Yet, to a happier ending.

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

Sunday, September 06, 2009

Freeing the Female Orgasm

Don't start getting any ideas.  I decided to share this because I was lost and found it enlightening.

Women's capacity for orgasm is awesome. They can come over and over again, and still be ready for more! This capacity seems almost limitless. They can experience clitoral orgasms, g-spot orgasms, vaginal orgasms, ejaculatory orgasms, blended orgasms, and not only one but multiples of any of these! They've even been blessed with a body part, the clitoris, whose only purpose is sexual pleasure. This may all seem a bit unfair to men who typically reach a precipice, fall over the edge, roll over and go to sleep!

Why is it then that so many women are frustrated rather than satisfied? Why is it that for so many loving couples, the female orgasm remains an elusive dream; one in which she's perhaps become resigned to sex that's pleasurable but not truly satisfying, or even worse, faking it to salvage her partner's ego. If it is really bad perhaps she fakes orgasm just to get the sexual ordeal over with! Or he sadly wonders: What's wrong with me? Why can't I make her come despite stiff fingers and aching tongue? His sexual self-esteem is wounded, and he secretly feels less of a man believing he has failed her.

The first step on the path to freeing a woman's orgasm is for both men and women to understand that men do not give women orgasms. Women allow themselves to have orgasms. Despite popular belief, no matter how good a lover you may be, unless your partner can give herself up to the pleasures of her body, she won't have orgasms. This realization alone can open the door to women becoming orgasmic. It takes the pressure to "perform" off of men, and it frees women to take responsibility for their own sexual fulfillment.

This is very important. If your woman is blaming you, and you may also be blaming yourself for her not having orgasms, it is quite possible, even likely, that you are both looking in the wrong place to solve the problem. Mind you, an unskilled, selfish, or insensitive male lover can be a real problem, and at the very least is certainly a dull bore. And to say that a woman is responsible for her own sexual fulfillment does not mean you revert to a slam-bam-thank-you-ma'am approach to sex and let her fend for herself. After all, the more skilled and attentive a lover is the more pleasure he himself receives, and although you can't give her an orgasm you certainly can help her to have one, or even lots of them. So even though it's not entirely up to you, there is something you can do to help.

The biggest barrier to orgasm for women is a mental distraction - thoughts that float into her mind, catching her in her head, and taking her away from what's going on in her body. As soon as she starts thinking, she is out of the moment and will lose touch with her senses and her pleasure. Some of these thoughts may trigger feelings of shame or guilt about experiencing sexual pleasure, for no matter how liberated our attitudes toward sex seem to have become, there yet exists the perception that "good" girls don't! Even today women are divided into categories of "virgin" or "whore". Those who engage lustily in the delights of the body are somehow morally questionable. You can help your delectable partner move beyond these pleasures stifling attitudes by letting her know how much you respect, admire and cherish her fully female sensual self. Tell her often, especially when you're making love, that it thoroughly turns you on to see her let loose the passionate side of her nature.

This is not always easy for men to do. They may have internalized unconscious conditioning that leads them to accept the rather misogynist belief that women can't be good and pure, and also be fantastic lovers. If they believe this, they are placing themselves in a very unfortunate situation. This belief system inevitably leads to the man selecting one woman for a partner, spouse, and mother, and a different partner for an affair or mistress. Adultery is about the only option left to a man who holds such a belief system. The resulting deceit and lying force a separation between the couple and the relationship ends soon enough, for example in breaking up or divorce. In this scenario, the man is at fault and the solution does lie with him. Only a change in his beliefs will solve this problem.

Sexual abuse is a horror and curse that is unbelievably common in our society. Women that have been sexually abused often have great difficulty in allowing themselves to trust their lover, let go into the sensual moment and surrender to sexual ecstasy. If your lady is having difficulty experiencing orgasm; if you are a reasonably skilled lover; and if you have communicated to her that you honestly wish her to fully awaken as a sexual partner, then the problem could be some psychological damage from sexual abuse. Ask her about this with the greatest tenderness and caring that you are capable of. Be aware that many women actually blame themselves for their own sexual abuse, so this can be the touchiest of all possible subjects for discussion. If sexual abuse is an issue, it is advisable to encourage her to seek professional counseling or some other form of help.

Besides worrying about whether they are "bad" if they really enjoy and want sex "a lot", many women worry about enjoying sex the right way. They worry about how they look, smell, and taste. They worry that the cellulite in their upper thighs or the slight bulge of tummy fat may quiver unattractively. They worry about being "clean down there". They worry about how long it takes to reach climax, how much time their man has to spend stroking, licking, and caressing to help them fly over the mountain. All of these thoughts take them out of lovemaking. To help her stay in the pleasures of her body tell her with words and sounds and looks that you adore her, you love to devour her with your tongue, you could keep on touching her forever, it's a delight to you to give her pleasure. And mean it, because if you haven't learned how to enjoy pleasuring your partner, pretty soon you won't have one!

Once she's able to relax into the joys of lovemaking and focus on the exquisite sensations her body can feel rather than listening to the demon distractors her mind can conjure up, a woman's path to orgasm is much clearer. With particular loving skills of your own you can assist her to break that path wide open.

Most men enjoy having their genitals touched at any time, whether they're sexually aroused or not. This isn't usually the case with women. Think of the vagina as a "potential" opening, a magical door that will happily open wide to receive you, but only after you've called ahead to ensure your welcome. Be certain she's eager for your genital explorations by focusing loving attention on other parts of her body first - lots of kissing, neck nuzzling, tender strokes on back, shoulders and arms, then adoring caresses of her breasts. Only after you sense she's ready, through signs like rapid breathing, flushed skin, hardened nipples or enticing moans should you move to her vagina. Once your hand or mouth is at her sweet honey pot begin to explore it from the outside inward - outer lips, clitoris, inner lips, vaginal canal.

Generally women reach orgasm most easily through clitoral stimulation. The clitoris is extremely sensitive to touch of all kinds. Often the head of the clitoris, the pointed tip, is too sensitive for much direct pressure, so focus your attention on the sides. Touch around the clitoris instead of right on it, at least until her level of excitement increases. The skin tissue of your fingers is not nearly as sensitive as the tissue around her clitoris. But the tissue of your mouth and tongue is an almost perfect match in sensitivity. Unless you are more highly skilled in using your fingers, it is a much safer way to start by using your mouth for oral stimulation of the clitoris. Experiment with different pressures, strokes and speeds. Ask her which ones she likes best. A good way to do this is to try two different touches, then ask her if she likes "a" or "b" better.

If she's willing, invite her to masturbate for you so you can learn exactly how she likes to be touched. Many women are shy to do this at first but with some gentle encouragement she may really show her wanton self. It can be a great turn-on for both of you. Many men are actually quite frightened by a woman who is fully sexually awakened. They may doubt their own ability as a man to keep up, or to be able to perform adequately. They may fear that if she is too much woman sexually for him, that she may go elsewhere and find what she wants. It may help you to overcome this fear if you remember that you are not responsible for giving your lady sexual satisfaction. She must do that for herself. But if this fear is very strong, you may seek counseling help to deal with it.

When you do find a particular stroke or caress that is really driving her wild, keep doing it and keep doing it and keep doing it. Don't change anything about it. Don't go faster, slower, softer, harder, or switch direction. Keep doing exactly the same thing until she lets you know she wants a change either through words or body movement. This holds true whether you're pleasuring her clitorally or vaginally with your fingers or your mouth. Keep going even if your hands or mouth get really tired!

It's a good idea to wait until she is very aroused before entering her vagina either with your fingers or your penis. Generally if she's not wet, she's not ready. It's as simple as that. If your lover doesn't have a lot of natural vaginal juices even when she is fully aroused be sure to use a good silicone or water-based lubricant. Nothing can be a quicker turn-off than rough, dry skin rubbing on soft vaginal tissues. Water-based or silicone lubricant is better because oil can clog the sensitive vaginal tissue.

The most sensitive part of a woman's vaginal canal is the first inch to two inches. It's here that most of the nerve endings are located, so when you first enter her concentrate most of your attention there. The elusive g-spot can usually be found in this general area, on the top of the vaginal wall, a couple of inches in. Imagine a glass lying on the floor. If you reach your first two fingers into the glass at the top, i.e., toward the ceiling rather than the bottom towards the floor, you should find it. It is difficult to reach the g-spot through intercourse, so you will find it much easier with you fingers than with your penis. There are also some interesting dildos and vibrators with just the right shape to reach the G-spot. Move your index finger or your first two fingers in a "come hither" motion (as if you were asking someone from across the room to come over to where you are) and gently stroke her. When you touch her g-spot you may notice a more bumpy or raised area of skin, but you may not. The best way to know you've found this highly intense love spot is by her reaction. Where you look is not quite as important as when you look. Unless she is excited through and through, perhaps from a clitoral orgasm beforehand, it can be difficult to find the g-spot.

Stimulation of the g-spot can produce extraordinarily intense orgasms. As a woman is approaching a g-spot orgasm she may feel she has to urinate. This may immediately cause her to tighten up, stop, and pull back from the edge of bliss. If she can stay relaxed and keep going through that "have-to-pee" sensation it will pass and move on into deep waves of sexual delight. The woman should urinate before intercourse begins, so she can be more confident that the feeling that she has to urinate is a misleading feeling and can be safely ignored.

For most women it is difficult to reach a climax through intercourse alone. This is because the sensitive clitoris isn't easily stimulated just by thrusting motions; the g-spot is difficult to reach with even a fully erect penis; and because often the male partner goes over the edge into ejaculatory orgasm before the woman has had enough action to bring her to the heights. If you touch her clitoris before and during intercourse, and if you've pleasured her vaginally by touching the g-spot with your fingers, the chances are much better that she will have a deep vaginal orgasm while your penis is inside her.

Learn the strokes that turn her on. Tell her how fabulous it is that she's sensual and sexual. Let her know you adore her body and love to touch and kiss it for hours. Help her forget about trying to make an orgasm happen and focus instead on thoroughly enjoying every moment of lovemaking. If you awaken your multi-orgasmic woman you are going to like it!

This article brought tears to my eyes because it hit the right 'sensitive'spot. I hope this article benefits you as much as it has benefited me, if not more.

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

The one on explaining Intimacy

"Today the natural form of tender loving sex has become passé and marketing has seduced women into being on constant sex alert; to have ready shaven legs, a well manicured Brazilian, perky breasts and sanitised female parts that have the fragrance of artificial rose-petals instead of a musty old sack. Not only does this inhibit the spontaneity of a lustful ‘quickie’ but some also believe that their well manicured body has to be covered in elaborate outfits worn with the sole intention of being taken off. While dressing up is a matter of personal preference, if women feel pressurised to do so the big question is: who are they doing this for? Do females really turn themselves on when trying to squeeze into their old school gymslip?" http://www.articlesbase.com/sexuality-articles/shy-girls-guide-to-sex-492409.html

 "Another major inhibiting factor for women is the obsession with physical perfection. Many agonize that their cellulite, wobbly bum or tell-tale love-handles will turn their partner off. What few females realize is that he’s so preoccupied with getting his end away that he’s unlikely to even notice these self-proclaimed imperfections. What’s the point of using your imagination to put yourself down anyway? Self-flagellation won’t alter his view; it will only switch your libido off. Instead therapists like Dr Eve recommend using your imagination to think yourself into a state where you start feeling sexy and desirable". This is what will help me relax and be with him and enjoy the moment.

"Along with learning about sex, we also need to unlearn the fables that led us down the garden path to inhibition and frustration. Sex is not a stage performance; it is the most natural act of all. So instead of nattering to friends, who you may be unlikely to wish to bed, how about starting to have conversations with the partners in whose hands our sexual satisfaction lies? "
__________________________

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

Friday, September 04, 2009

Where there is love, there is life

"This is love: to fly toward a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment. First to let go of life. Finally to take a step without feet".

Rumi
______________________
I have always loved Zifferelli's Love Story 1968.
______________________________
Finally, a verbal confirmation.... a verbal confession of unrequited love.
He said it.
It may not have been the first time but it was a definite I love you, this time.

That was music to my ears and a breath of fresh air to my soul.

Thank you God. I am forever grateful and indebt.

A short while back, I asked you a question. I couldn't comprehend how 2 people could fall in love equally. Now I know. I am living evidence. Finally, at the age of 28, a man confesses his love to me. And the best bit is that I am equally in love with him of not more.
 ________________
Love, 
Sedeso

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Dunno

My therapist last told me about my relationship: that I am not used to having a stable relationship with a decent person. That what I am experiencing is something new, but at least I am experiencing it as the true me, that is more intuned with my inner self.

And these days, my besotted mind won't stop playing tricks on me in an attempt to ruin what good there is. This is why I must fight the devil with all my strength. This relationship must survive.


Till we meet again,
Sedeso

Friday, August 28, 2009

Every Woman Should

Thank you Fastidious Babe for sharing this wonderful article with us.By 30, you should have:
1.
One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you’ve come.
2. A decent piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family.
3. Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour.
4. A purse, a suitcase and an umbrella you’re not ashamed to be seen carrying.
5. A youth you’re content to move beyond.
6. A past juicy enough that you’re looking forward to retelling it in your old age.
7. The realization that you are actually going to have an old age—and some money set aside to help fund it.
8. An e-mail address, a voice mailbox and a bank account—all of which nobody has access to but you.
9. A résumé that is not even the slightest bit padded.
10. One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.
11. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill and a black lace bra.
12. SoBoldmething ridiculously expensive that you bought for yourself, just because you deserve it.
13. The belief that you deserve it.
14. A skin-care regimen, an exercise routine and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don’t get better after 30.
15. A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship and all those other facets of life that do get better.

By 30, you should know:

16. How to fall in love without losing yourself.
17. How you feel about having kids.
18. How to quit a job, break up with a man and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.
19. When to try harder and when to walk away.
20. How to kiss in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn’t like to happen next.
21. The names of: the secretary of state, your great-grandmother and the best tailor in town.
22. How to live alone, even if you don’t like to.
23. How to take control of your own birthday.
24. That you can’t change the length of your calves, the width of your hips or the nature of your parents.
25. That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it’s over.
26. What you would and wouldn’t do for money or love.
27. That nobody gets away with smoking, drinking, doing drugs or not flossing for very long.
28. Who you can trust, who you can’t and why you shouldn’t take it personally.
29. Not to apologize for something that isn’t your fault.
30. Why they say life begins at 30.
By Pamela Redmond Satran


Till we meet again,
Sedeso

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Money Business

I love him. This is a fact.

He loves me. Another fact.

He loves me more now than he did when we first got together. Now, this I know for sure.
______________________
After yesterday's post, I asked my sibling to keep me company and we went to watch "My Sister's Keeper" at the movies. He called many times and I ignored him. I was angry, so angry at him for neglecting me somehow.

I answered his third phone call and informed him of my whereabouts as per usual.

He closed the phone.

The movie ended and I was on the verge of exploding. So I gave my sibling some cash and asked her to go home in a cab.

I left in a hurry and drove all the way to el capitalo. I reached the outskirts of el capitalo and gave him a call. There was no reply. I tried again. No reply. I texted. Again, no reply. It was past midnight. All the malls were either closed or about to. I called my friends to ask for directions and they called me NUTS for randomly popping by their city.

The plan was to surprise him but it seems like he wanted to surprise me. Really??? He sounded genuine but today I have doubts (which usually ends up being paranoia on my side).

He came with his niggaz apparently to congratulate the tycoon then he was planning on seeing me. There are a million and one ways in which I can dissect this sentence and call him a liar. But I won't, mainly because right now I am not in the sanest of all minds to act without guidance or take a decision that could affect the long-term of this relationship.

He loves me yes. I want his love to grow deeper and stronger. But something has made me cringe since yesterday. He opened up the subject of money once more, dissected my spendings and savings, and made me feel like a nobody. He even tried to offer me some cash but of course, I refused it vehemently. I love him for who he is not for his money.

I feel so belittled now. And I blame him for making me feel like this.

The Fashion Guru Success Ladder:
Decor of the Day:

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

Monday, August 24, 2009

Is this Love......

I don't know what is happening to me, or to my current relationship. It's a mixture of fear, confusion, helplessness, and hopefulness.

To anyone, this may seem as stable and ideal as a relationship can be. Yet, I cannot help but want more and want something different. I want to be madly, deeply in love with him. I want this love to consume me, I want it to take over my life and shake my very existence to its core.

Does that feeling of intense love change as you grow older? Does it intensify or is it meant to quiet down?

Is it love, obsession? Or is that infatuation?

Is love meant to hurt this much?

And why I am in constant fear of a future without him?

I want him to be mine, all mine. I want him to dislike all other females and only have eyes for me. Ukh gosh so possessive of me. Hmm, this may mean that I should have eyes only for him. Well, he should not worry since I love him way too much for a sanely balanced 28-year-old. I admit that at times, I get angry when he's too busy to answer my phone calls, that I contemplate the thought of having a backup plan. But these thoughts come for a split of a second only and detour my head as quickly for many reasons: 1) I am not a player, never have been and never will be. It just goes against all my morals, 2) I love him too much to do this, and 3) He is a good person, a decent man who deserves complete and utter loyalty.

There, I vented on the blog and I feel a bit better. All I have to do is let him call me more than I call him.

Some vintage inspo.
Till we meet again,
Sedeso

"Quote" from : http://steviwonderwoman.blogspot.com/
See, men are not fish. Once you use bait and hook a fish, the task is complete ... you go home lol. You can hook a man, but he is not forced to stay once he takes the bait. You're left feeling used and hopeless. All you can do is run your own race and have some self-respect. Find comfort and peace in the fact that no one can ever be you. Dig deep to find security in your beauty ladies

"Unquote"