Day 72 coincided with a Wednesday, a day not special enough but will remain in my short term memory at the front of my cortex for a long time. This is a day I haven't experienced in a long time. You see, it truly has been a long time since madre dearest flipped in a hysterical way.
What triggered it was the fact that my aunt (her nemesis), was going to join me on my National Day celebration. Now I will never comprehend the sick relationship that keeps my madre and auntie this close yet this competitive. They rely on each other, hate each other, love each other and cannot part ways. They have become sickly co-dependent and the whole family is suffering the consequences.
Anyhows, when she flipped, she started hyperventilating and said the most hurtful things. I remained quite because I realized she was simply dumping her garbage of anger onto us otherwise she would have exploded.
She called me Spinster, told me I'll never get married, that I was useless and that she wished I wasn't her daughter and feels so jealous that my cousin is much smarter and has bagged herself a good man. She blamed me for ruining her chances at marriage to that man, X years ago.
Why explode in my face? Why damage and crush my already shaky confidence and belief?
My insides were shaking. My emotions got shattered and the following thoughts came to my head:
- So she is still in love with that man and hasn't gotten over him yet.
- It is true, I am not as accomplished and conniving as my lovely cousin.
- It is true, I may actually become a Spinster one day, I have been so unsuccessful at this so far.
- My life is so meaningless right now that what is the point of living it anymore.
I let her shout it all out of her system and kept quiet. I was shaken at my core. I kept quite, shivered and that night I couldn't sleep well. I cursed my life and wondered for the millionth time, why the universe likes to play games with my life. Am I supposed to be this entertaining now? The future appears bleak, so bleak right now.
Whats the worst case scenario? That I become a spinster? Perhaps. If this is the case then I will have to make sure to have an investment and lots of fun. This is a fear I am yet to face: of growing old as a single, lonely woman.
Remind me again what is the point of living a life void of love?
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Baby rooms:
Till we meet again,
Sedeso
PS: What happiness?
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