Project Happiness: Day 74

What a day.  It was too overwhelming emotionally and I am not sure how much more I will be able to handle without hurting myself somehow.

The day before, part of my feelings were anger towards my mother.  True that nobody could have stopped her outburst, but she should learn not to mix things in moments of anger.  She should have shouted out about my inabilities in seeing people's true colours and not shout out the things that would hurt me the most.  I partly blame myself for letting people know too much about me and especially my darkest, deepest desires.  So from now on, I shall act indifferent about marriage infront of my mother and will try to keep things from her. 

I decided I should give her a cold shoulder, some time and not contact her so that she'd feel guilty about what she said:  I won't condemn her the outburst, simply the word spinster!!!

So she surprisingly called today reminding me that we have to dine at uncle's house.  Fine.

I dressed up quite glamorously only to arrive and find my cousins in tracksuit bottoms. I even pointed this out to madre only for her to brush it off.  Now it makes sense.  Her competitive streak wants me to outshine my cousins.  She was happy I looked fab and kept bragging about my dress and shoes, hahaha.

Then, The One bbed while I was dining , asking where I was.  His typical msg would be: "where" and I would normally inform his of my whereabouts.  I got used to him asking me this and I always took it as a sign that he cared enough.  Everything was fine until he dropped the bombshell that made my heart sink so low, maybe too low: that an old childhood friend who is only 3 years senior to me in age and is a celeb has married an even bigger big-shot than anyone could have imagined or dreamed of.  I became very depressed, especially after my circle of friends confirmed it to me. 

I kept thinking how unfair this was.  God, isn't it enough that you already gave her that huge status and piles of moola to go with it?  Why not me?  Why not me? 

I got a pic in my bb recently.  It said God's 3 answers to your prayers are:

• Yes
• Not yet
• I have something better in mind

And I couldn't comprehend why things are happening the way they are because whatever angle I look at, I end being hurt.  I am a good person.  I do not hurt people.  I am regular with my prayers.  I have good morals.  I go out of my way to help others.... and many many more.  Couldn't all this count for something in order for my deepest desire to come true?

Also, so many people out there pray for me to be blessed with matrimony.  Literally hundreds of people, so couldn't just 1 of these prayers be heard and fulfilled.

I told madre ofcourse about the celeb's matrimonial fate and typically she always has her own twisted version of all stories.  Some explanations humour me while others just push me further into depression.  Now, she insisted they married for love even though he took her as the second wife.   My circle of friends are convinced they were forced into it since she trespassed her boundary lines by approaching someone way out of her league. 

My face never hides my emotions and something within me had died.  I sensed my face looked miserable and madre probably saw it too.  She blabbed on but her voice was deafened by the sadness I felt.  Something died within me right there, right then.  Perhaps it was the tiny glitter of hope that I was holding on to with my hands, my heart, my mind, my all.

In my state of shock, I kept thinking to myself: This is unfair.  What about me?  I don't want any of this.  None of it.  I simply want my deepest desire to be fulfilled.  God why have you stopped listening to my desperate pleas and prayers?

I couldn't go back home to feeling lonely so I went to cinema with mi hermana.  It helped only a little for I remained restless throughout. 

At 2am,  I suffered a major breakdown and had a sobfest.  I cried and cried and cried like I haven't in such a long time.  I don't get where all this sadness is coming from.  Has it been locked inside me for years or is becoming drastically sad and tearful my way of coping with a harsh reality. 

Another first for me was when I called my younger brother and sobbed to him on the phone. I kept crying that I didn't want this life and I am sick of it.  He spoke maturely reminding me how lucky we were and how much we had compared to others.  He told me one of his friends kept a huge smile despite being homeless. 

I was upset because I couldn't tell my brother what I was really upset about.  I couldn't say I was heartbroken so I blamed it all on the current financial situation.

Then, about 4 am I got a missed call from my bestie M, which was so odd.  She was so absorbed in her whole matrimonial life that it wasn't normal for her to call me at that time.  So I called her and we spoke for about 2 hours.  She told me about her and her sister's marriage issues with their husbands and I realized that I have been through it all, in my own way.  So just like my therapist said, I was in some kind of marriage.  So when I get properly hitched, I should know it all since I've already experienced it.  Should I consider myself lucky in some ways? 

She also told me how important it was for a woman to have her own income.  Life has had its toll on everyone and she was finding it hard to even buy a new dress for a mere 2000Dhs. 

Then she told me how much she envied me, my life, my freedom, my looks, my style and most importantly my success.  She re-opened my eyes when she said:  you are successful in everything you do so I am not worried about you.  And the most comforting thing was her belief that I will get hitched one day.  This calmed me down.  Her phonecall was the reply to my dramatic and hysterical weeps.  It was another sign from God reminding me to: Be Patient!!! 

I slept at 6am more depressed than I have been in ages.  I know very well and am fully aware that I am going through some inner changes which I cannot comprehend.  Coping with these changes is a painful process and I do not know how much I can handle. 

Dear Ghost readers, please pray for my soul to find some inner peace.  I am not sure if anybody out there is listening to me.  My faith is so shaky and I am having major doubts.

Help me please, somebody, anybody.
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My kinda furniture: suitable for a beach house.

 The above has symmetry, harmony in colors, good spacing, good use of lighting, a mirror, and white carpet to reflect the light.

Gorgeous colors, different patterns, enough lighting, mirror, enough walking space,  attention to detail in paintings on wall and lamps, fauteuil.  Greys, yellows, citrusy and whites go very well together.

Light colors are eye-pleasing. Large windows bring in enough light which reflects well on the light-colored furniture.  Plants outside extend the vision and give the room a bigger space feeling.

I realized I love rooms to allow in enough light and air during daytime but dark enough at night.  Let us see how much I will benefit from this interior design course, which is keeping me going and surviving for now.

Till we meet again,

Sedeso

PS: You're asking about project happiness?  What happiness may I ask and does it even exist or is it simply a figment of imagination created by fairy tales?

Does happily ever after even exist?