The highlight of Day 76, which coincided with a Sunday off from work, was going to see my therapist. I do not know why, but when I woke up this morning, I felt an urging need to see the therapist too. In the past few months, I have adopted a survival reaction mode where I allow things to get sorted out for themselves and I refrain from visiting the therapist unless I reach a point where I am unable to sort it out.
So I texted the therapist that I'd like to see her too and she put me right before madre's appointment and said: good. This made me wonder a bit but I neglected it.
So I went to see the therapist. And as turbulent as I was feeling the night before, I calmed down whilst driving there enjoying my Chai and listening to music.
When I arrived at the clinic I found out that Dr. Ahmed was there too, so I simply requested to say hello. He was very surprised to see that I still went for therapy. Apparently, going there for over 2 years wasn't right, and that maybe it was time that I move on to another therapeutic machine. His words worried me very much. He asked me to re-fill the forms so he can get me for another consultation. I took the file and gasped, there were 7 pages of questions to fill in and he was about to leave in maybe less than half an hour. And as I was filling it out, madre arrived for her slot. So I warned her not to get angry because she will be late and she shouldn't get pissed off since I was the patient before her.
So, I sat in the waiting room right next to madre filling out the forms. I tried my best for her not to see my answers to the questions.
My turn came, and I walked into the room in slight puzzlement. I mentioned to my therapist that I just bumped into the Dr. and he was surprised to still find me there. So as much as the thought bugged me, I simply pushed it to one side of my bed and carried on with my session.
This session was different, because I knew that regardless of all the pain I was going through, I was evolving. I am aware that I am 10 steps ahead in my recovery journey, yet as I told my therapist I didn't want to be at that high level because it felt so lonely and there was nobody there. Of course she told me it didn't have to be that lonely and I could always invite people up there.
I spoke a lot and long about The One and as I told her: he may have somebody, he may not, but if he does, I will have to accept it. There is nothing I can do to change a man's decision. There is nothing I can do to force him to love me if he wasn't willing to do so himself and there is also nothing I can do to stop him from loving me if his heart was set on it. I just had to accept it as painful as hard it would or might be....etc. When I said this, her face broke into a smile and she told me how proud she was of me, because the progress I made was enormous. So this means I am nearly there on this road of self-discovery and now there is no looking back. A small part of me longs for the days when I was a simpler person and thought differently, however, I always brush this away. Who wouldn't want to explore, reach and unleash their full potential.
So this was a sign of relief. I shouldn't be that worried about the excruciating painful changes I am going through. I am much better and will continue to improve.
When I mentioned this may all be over, she told me not to think of it this way. My argument was that if a man hasn't married me after all we've been through together, will he ever do so? She replied that this argument makes sense but I must remember that in life there are always 2 options: he may love me, he may not love me, he may marry me, he may not marry me.
So the trick for now is to be with him in the moment. Accept him the was he is when I was with him and forget about the past. I must stop being judgmental but most importantly, stop comparing between him and Agent 009 and compare between myself and others and many many other things. Comparisons will cause me agony if I don't work on that side.
I left her office better but still curious as to why the Dr. was surprised about my continuous therapy. I filled out my form as quickly as can be and was so insistent and desperate to see him that when he saw me standing my the door he let me in. It was a quick session, and he told me I was depressed. He asked if I was in Love and I teared up. Without asking for any more details, he told me to leave the guy. If he made me cry once, he will make me cry again. My immediate thought was no, no he doesn't know the whole story. Then he said I have someone for you, another sensitive soul, who loves quickly and gets attached easily and strongly. I didn't like the way this man was described so I told him 30 is too young for me.
I left, wondering what the future may hold for me, more accepting of the fact that it may be over between us but overall reminding myself that there are always 2 options in life and that I should live each moment and accept him more and compare less.
What an exhausting session this was. What a tiring journey it has been so far. It has emotionally drained me.
I then went to the salon to colour my hair. It felt so weird this time maybe because of what I am going through.
And yes, he received the letter finally on the 5th of December 2010. Woohoo. He bbéd me a pic of the letter with a victory sign covering the content. I felt compelled to ask what the covered content was and when he asked me why I told him maybe the Brits played tricks with the words so she showed me the rest of it. I said congratz and he was surprised for what then I replied for his graduation. I felt happy, very happy because I did him a huge favour and inside me feels like maybe this is one way of getting him back. Most importantly, regardless of the consequences, I want to be the best woman he has ever met or come across during his whole life. Quiet a big ambition I must say since Cancer men, especially Horsemen idolize their mothers as the epitome of all femaleness. But I must also remember that I should be the best I can for myself not for anybody else.
A demonic thought has been playing in my head and jabbing its trident in my brains: " Ill leave him forever once this is over.'" But another voice in my head said: "Don't be ridiculous and there is no need to be irrational yet."
Till we meet again,
Sedeso
PS: I dont know why I keep thinking he may have someone else in his life, maybe a new lady but then again, maybe he doesn't have anyone in his life and this could simply be my paranoia.
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