Project Happiness: Day 69

28th November 2010.

He bbéd me this morning telling me about the car he nearly bought to sell but got tricked by the idiots.  I was so happy about the response and tried to keep the conversation going.

I love this man with my all.  I don't think I acted any indifferent than most women who loved their men.  I feel that I gave so much but didn't get much in return.  This is probably because I expect too much.

If I could turn back time and play it differently, would my life have been different by now.  I cannot help but wonder had I played hard to get what would have happened?

Feeling so miserable inwardly because I cannot have the person I want the most.

Am I any closer to achieving this happiness?  I have no idea.  Really I do not know.  I am aware however that I am evolving from the inside.  It is a painful process.

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

Project Happiness: Day 68

I missed my Shimmy class because mother dearest insisted that I join her and sis at Intl Market.  I was slightly annoyed considering how I barely exercise these days and this is taking its toll on the amount of cellulite I have.  I don't know what it is about me that is never satisfied with my own skin and body yet I don't work hard enough at the gym to rectify things before time starts taking its toll on me.  Every time I would look at my mother before I would tell myself: I do not want to end up looking like that.  But now, as I stare at my behind in the mirror, I feel slightly disgusted and think: shit, my body is morphing into hers. 

I know that I should learn to accept my body and love it but this I find too difficult.  I am too judgemental of my own body and since this is part of my personality then there is a fair chance that I may remain like this for the rest of my life.  So what is the solution?  To learn to accept me.  And just thinking of how hard this journey is going to be is actually frustrating me and burdening my shoulders. 

I cried so much that night, actually I sobbed.  They were cries of desperation, muted so as not to alert anyone of my current mental status.  Yes, I wasn't hysterical but I still had to mute the sound of my anguish and agony.

Lord, I don't want to go through this.  I want to be so happy because I have finally married the man I love and am about to live happily ever after with my children.  It is a simple request ya Rabb, very simple.   

I felt a little better after I watched the comedies and exhausted my eyes.  So for now, Glee and Gossip Girl are the pickup factor, but what will happen once I've watched all the episodes.

My sleep was very restless and I kept waking up every 2 hours.  Is this something I picked up from The One?

I feel far from being happily ever after.

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Bedroom inspo:

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

Project Happiness: Day 66

On this Thursday, the future ahead was still seen as a blank white page.  Since I am known to plan my every step, I was only able to plan until the termination of my last degree.  With the exception of a few definite work events, I cannot see beyond this point.  I guess I will have to deal with each day as it comes.  I may as well live it and try to enjoy it. 

I felt so guilty for canceling out on Lubby, but going to Allan's for one night and having to come back the next day for the engagement party seemed pointless.  I would only have done this for The One.  This is a point I should be aware of.  It seems I always do too much and go out of my way for The One which can sometimes reflect back negatively especially when I expect something from him. 

Instead of heading to Allan's, I joined my boss and checked out the race tracks for dinner. Nice impression overall.  We then had steak at the hotel with her madre.  Funny how all mothers can somehow be the same: harsh, critical of their own daughters and dreaming of getting them hitched properly.

Throughout this visit, I was being bombarded with messages from The One.  He was very worried since there was a slight error in the system with his actual dob.  He sounded worried and was extremely agitated.
    

I blurted out don't worry "love", and realized this word sounded slightly foreign to me.  I didn't intend it but was aware of it

I rushed home at midnight and drove very recklessly.  We wrote the email and sent it out. When I told him its my bedtime, instead of the kiss which I missed so much, he only said: Fine. I was very disappointed but somehow glad that he was relying on me for such matters. I assume that he is holding back because he doesn't want me to get too attached.  Funny that he doesn't realize that I have fallen for him too deep. It is slightly painful whichever way we look at it. 

Something in me, this 01% of hope is holding on to everything hoping that a bright and happy future will re-develop.

You never know, I may get my happily ever after future with The One. 

I love this man for now, dearly and deeply.

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

Project Happiness: Day 67

Day 67 coincided with a Friday, my lazy day.

He spoke to me just before I started getting ready.  Ofcourse he asked about his university papers (very expected).  I was happy that he needed me and relied upon and trusted my abilities.  I love him and am willing to do all that I can to please him.  When I told him I had to get ready for a wedding: he told me not to bother and get too dressed, since I didn't need it.  This immediately made be start blabbing about crap.  See. I still find it hard to accept compliments easily.  Thinking backward slightly, perhaps keeping a small barrier strengthens a relationship.  When we are too much in each other's faces, we start to take each other forgranted and the compliments become less (from his side, not mine). Well, I won't dwell too much on this. 

I got dressed very simply, and even though I burnt myself with the iron hair curler, I was very happy with the result.  I am happy that I end up looking breathtaking with very few added touches.  Thank you Lord.  Even the one knows it. Another thing I should be very grateful for.

I went to my friend H's sister's engagement do.  I was surprised that she invited me considering we weren't that close.  Also, she invited very few people.  I should just leave it at that and be glad to be invited to social events.

I ended up meeting an online friend.  Actually, she was the one who recognized me simply from photos.  Gosh, I must have one of those faces.  Before meeting her, I imagined her to be fair, short, a typical mall teen.  She turned out tall, tanned, minimal makeup and of simple taste.  Apparently my pictures do not do me any justice (I agree) and that I am alot prettier and slimmer in real life.

The party was huge, with too many glamourous people showing up.  It felt more like a wedding than an actual engagement.  The Indian rapper Sukhbir Singh entertained us all.  I left by 2am but so many of the guests stayed on partying the night away.  I even spotted Al and Lati's mom.

Now the bride was cute, not majorly beautiful.  The groom was average-looking and short.  I am not mocking them, I am simply noting on their physical appearance.  People come in different shapes and sizes and are attracted to totally different looks and they seem to be happy with one another.

Thank you Lord, a good day overall.

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From the engagement:

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

Project Happiness: Day 65

Woke up at 6:15am to get to The City for my course, which makes it a total of 4 and a half hours of sleep. 

Somehow I got lost so even though I wasn't planning on it, I ended up calling The One and asking for directions.  He irritated me and got irritated himself as usual (I don't know why this happens alot).  But I reached safely and on time before the course started.

I was very exhausted, had about 4 coffees and I am glad I didn't wear contacts otherwise my eyes would have been irritated.  I met a nice attractively dressed lady whom I assumed was my age and surprise surprise it turns out she was 39 years old.  I truly hope I look super amazing in 10 years time.  

Ofcourse there was some fitness on my course.  Tres bien that the world is full of options for eye candy.  I had no doubt in my mind that both were hitched.  

And throughout the day I was very irritated.  I was hoping the one would mention that he plans to see me before I left AD. Towards lunch time I told myself, if he doesn't contact me, I'll simply leave without bothering him.  But knowing The One, he always needs a push so I bb'ed asking about the nearest place for coffee shops and that's when he asked me if I have left or not yet.  He bb'ed me an hour later asking when I will finish 

I saw The One.  Finally, after 2 months. I was so shy as I got into the car but when I turned to look at him I felt comfortable.  I love this man, truly and deeply.  To others, his looks are below average, but to me, he is the apple of my eye.
 

He had my tea ready for me.  I am surprised that over the phone he suggested we have tea at the lobby of a nearby.  I thought that lobby was too public so I told him all I wanted was a nice cup of tea since I was very tired. 

We spoke cautiously for the first 2 minutes.  He told me alot about his work surprisingly, more than usual.  When we were living in close proximity, he wouldn't tell me much personal stuff.  It was like he used a drip to give out personal info.  But now, that I am in the friend? category, just like the introducer, he can speak to me more freely.

I found out that every Wednesday he woke up late since his superiors had meetings in Dubai.

I found out that he is so exhausted from his work.

I found out that he played a pivotal role in calming down the recent coup attempt.

I found out that he has more authority than he shows.

I found out that some of his colleagues give him a hard time at work.

I found out that he may travel to the Czheck Republic on an Official visit with work. 

And then we drove around his neighbourhood.  He looked at 2 houses, both newly built.  I should check them out on Wikimapia.

He thanked me for the gifts after he put them in the car and checked them out.

I was expecting moola but didn't get any.  This surprised me because he did ask me if I finished paying off my car loan and then he did ask if I had any moola or not.  I replied that I am not doing anything major these days that required alot of moola.  Oh well, atleast he asked. 

He didn't hold my hands at all throughout but as he left, he gave me soft pecks on both cheeks then kissed my forhead.  When he did this, I felt somehow valued.  It was as if he knew he'd never find a woman like myself. 

I reached home and went with my sis to watch Harry Potter.  I promised the girls I'd organize an outing to watch it with them so I should be discrete now and pretend I haven't seen it yet.

Before going to bed, we sent an email to get his paper from his university sent out and I found out which one was his home.  I was tempted to get into the car straight away, drive there and find out which of the 2 houses that I doubted was his home.  However, I was aware of my thinking and remembered my madness so decided to leave the madness till my next trip there. 

________________________________
A retro party theme.

I love this man truly and deeply with all my heart.  I do realize that perhaps someone else may be in my destiny.  But for now, I cannot see beyond my infatuation.

Sigh I wonder what the future holds for me.

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

Project Happiness: Day 64

Tuesday, I was looking forward to shimmy shimmy, my highlight every week.

As I was about to get dressed for my class, he called me in a joking manner as usual with a woman's voice, pretending to be a flirt.  As soon as I heard his tone, my heart melted.  Gosh, I missed his stupid stupid sense of humor.

I was so happy with his call that I got nervous and started blabbing about silly things.  I mentioned the possible London trip, which should have remained a secret. 

I also told him that I am going to his city on wed. for a one-day training course.  

Before ending the call, he asked me about how to get his degree.  Aha, so there was a motive behind his phone call.  My heart sunk one notch.  Is this how it's going to be from now onwards?  Will he only call me when he needs something?

I am slightly confused and wonder why things are happening this way.

Lord, please give me what my heart desires the most. 

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Different famous and model brides.

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

Project Happiness: Day 63

Lunched with Boss over noodles and sushi, then we cabbed it to the old area and although it had a lot of attractions, the location might be a problem for the coming event.

Thankfully, I made it on time for my Shimmy class, especially that I haven't been to the gym in a week.

I am glad about something.  Regardless of my weakness in food and my inability to resist it a lot of the time, I try to maintain some form of exercise 3 times a week: twice shimmy class and once either gym or swimming.

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A Lavender themed party: 

 

 Creative giveaways:

That's all the action there was today. Mild Happiness is in the air.

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

Project Happiness: Day 62

He bbéd me at 9am telling me my car fines issue was resolved.  I replied by thanking my honey but he did not respond to that.  I wasnt very upset that he didn't respond simply because he did not forget my issue and stuck to his word.  I kept thinking: He Cared, regardless of the favour or what he wanted in return.  So I carried on with my work with a slightly positive mood. 

I don't know which msg got me thinking of last years resolutions and since I hadn't labelled them well, I had to go through many of my old posts.  Nostalgia took over me as I read the many posts showing his commitment and devotion.  Why is it that even after 6 years of Agent 009 telling me to look at the bigger picture, I still did not do this with The One?

Once again I ask myself, had I played it cunningly and differently, would I have been married to him by now?

I wasn't aware of it or perhaps was too absorbed in the moment to stop myself, but I involuntarily bbéd him asking: You love me? and after 20 minutes, I got a reply.  I only saw it after I got off the prayer matt and it was: Yes.

A calm happinness took over me because he could have avoided the topic, gotten angry or even not replied.  I wanted to bb back many different things but settled on: Thank God. Something felt right and we are going to be fine.

Later on in the afternoon, I was meant to take W's American friend to Hatta but ended up with Foz in the Museum.  We explored a side of my city which I heard about from my grandparents only.  I was so impressed by the restoration efforts because it was simply beautiful.  Now I have a new place to take my friends to, and maybe The One also.

One thing that alarmed me slightly was the sight of the ticket man at the museum.  I was impressed with myself for remembering his face even though I've only seen pictures of him: the macho, biker, liar, party-whore goer and does (oops, I judged him).  He told me he worked in Tourism and this made sense.  This just showed me that people are never who they claim to be and that many of them pretend. 

I remained in awe and was still taking it all in even as I was getting ready for bed.  I must arrange for my grandparents to see their old house there.

I slept happy, very very happy because for the millionth time, life gave me more joy than I had hoped for.  So right now, I will be thankful.  That's it.  

Till we meet again,

Sedeso

Project Happiness: Day 61

Even though I was very happy the night before and prayed to the Lord in gratitude, I spent most of Saturday in anticipation.  I didn't hear from The One the whole day and no amount of Glee or Gossip Girl episodes made me feel any better.

I was upset even during Shimmy class and Monica asked me what's wrong several times.  I replied that I was simply tired. Gosh, am I this easy to read?

Once again, I slept very upset because I did not hear from The One who is still my life and soul.  I love this man with my all and don't mind molding myself slightly to fit his taste although I shouldn't and the man should accept me the way I am.

I love him: can you hear me dear universe?
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Bed Inspo: 

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

Project Happiness: Day 60

A Friday was day 60.

My get-together took place.  My theme was casual food, pizza, lots of tea, shawls and comedy DVDs.  Alot of people showed up and some for the first time.  I'm glad I had it in the garden house because it was a magical night.  Everybody enjoyed themselves immensely and complimented me for organizing it.

Even though all went well, I slept slightly disappointed that I did not hear from The One.  But he probably knew that I was having a get-together.  Either that or he was having way too much fun to remember me.  A small part of me wonders if from now onwards he will only call me if he needs something.  Oh Lord!

One thing I am most proud of is dealing with my disappointment.  2 of my acquaintances cancelled last time.  I was so annoyed with both but remembered to be aware of my feeling and then decided to let go of the subject.  Perhaps I will be in their shoes one day and have to cancel last minute too.  Slightly less annoyed by then, I simply let go. 

_____________________________

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

Project Happiness: Day 59

The third day of Eid was spent without any grownups.  You see, mother and aunties went away with their childhood friend to the mountains so we were left alone.  I was the eldest hence should be in charge.

I wanted to go to the gym.  I really did.  But ended up cleaning up the garden shed with my sibling and cousins in preparation for tomorrow's comedy night.  That was a mild workout.  I plan to keep the menu simple and the dress code was decided as denim only.

By the end of all that cleaning and as exhausted as I was, I missed The One so initiated contact asking about my fines since it wasn't resolved yet.  He then asked me where I was, and I asked in return where he was.  I gave him the gossip of The Introducer's niece who will wed her Salsa instructor next summer.  He laughed. Then asked how my day was and I told him exhausting since I was tidying up for my gathering.  He asked who was coming and I gave the whole guest list.  He asked me if I needed moola and I said I am fine.  I sent a kiss icon.  He replied with one after 11 minutes.

I slept happily because he responded despite his reluctance.  I am aware he doesn't want me to get too attached in case I turn down another future potential.  He has my best interest at heart.  But I love him and no one else.

*sigh*

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

Project Happiness: Day 58

Spent most of my Wednesday morning lazing about in my comfy sports gear.  I don't get how some ladies manage to look spectacular 24/7.  I do not have the energy to maintain my looks all the time.  I'd rather have many days off where I am laid back.  That's why I have to make sure all my lazy day clothes are very cute atleast. 

I kept looking at the wall clock and remembering The Knocker and hating the thought of meeting with him.  What is it that turned me totally off him?  His persistent interest?  His wife's words to me?  Or am I simply bored because I sort of got him somehow; the fact that he still contacts me behind his wife's back?

As reluctant as I was of meeting up with The Knocker, I eventually texted after 6pm.  I even considered backing out during the drive there and whilst sitting and enjoying my book.  Something in me soooo does not want to see him.  I'd rather just contact him by phone only and for work purposes.  But I felt sorry for him when he texted:  With you I will go to the Moon!!  No guy has ever ever said this to me.  I just wish these words came from The One instead.

Life is so funny in the way that I didn't mind chatting to him for hours and even considered becoming a second wife.  I also believe that I have lost interest in him because I now know that he appreciates and likes me more than I like him.  Sometimes I wonder: had I played hard to get with The One would I have bagged him?  A part of me says perhaps, but knowing The One, when you ignore him, he ignores you back and he used to appreciate attention somehow. 

So I sat with him and now I realize that something in me wanted to be cruel to him.  And I believe part of the frustration was because I was getting the attention I craved but not from the person I desired the most.  So being a mere human earthling I brought out this frustration on him and refused his movie or his dinner or more time with him.

So he left when he realized I am not interested in spending too much time with him. 

What to do, what to do next?  Something told me to try The Introducer. So I called her, chatted for about 5 minutes when I decided to go visit her instantly.  It was already 9pm but I wasn't going to spend too much time there anyways.

I wasn't as surprised at what she had but more amazed by her patience with her husband's abuse.  So patience does pay off eventually regardless of how painful it is.  I do not know if I have such patience in me and this is why I must pray to be blessed with it.

We chatted alot and The One's name came up.  She said he was afraid of matrimony because he is worried he may end up cheating considering how everybody within his circle were fucking around.  Sometimes I feel she exaggerates about certain things.  Could The One be a player the way she describes him to be? I honestly do not think so. 

Her husband came home and I saw him.  Ofcourse the only thing he was interested in talking about was my job, my salary and how I should be working elsewhere.  I noticed something.  Her husband, regardless of what a big bastard he was kept calm and calculated.  She was talking loudly, huffing and puffing, voicing out her opinions.  I sensed her frustration at him and remembered myself.  The world has a way of showing us what ugliness lays within us.

 

Her husband stopped me on our way out and gave me the advice of changing my workplace.  I dislike it very much when people start preaching about this topic.  They always question the title, the salary and based on that conclude whether a workplace is worth it or not.  I disagree with such thinking because other things matter to me such as: the job nature, the atmosphere, the boss, the competition, the proximity to one's home.  I'd rather be underpaid and happy than overpaid and miserable.  And this is because I hope to achieve happiness in every aspect of my life, unlike alot of people such as The Nobleman who has settled and accepted a miserable life.   All I had in mind was: dude, you better fix your own work issues before trying to solve mine.  Now on one hand, they may have been seriously doing this out of concern, knowing my current responsibilities and wishing me the best.  However, to me it felt more like they assumed they knew better of what suits me than myself.  Oh well.   

As I drove back from The Introducer's place, I was digesting it all but being thankful at the same time for everything I have been given.  Who knew that her man would 'man-up'and fix himself abit and his life and commit to her well and steady exactly the way she wants it.  She sure does have alot of patience, lots of it and I hope to be blessed with some more than I already have.  I am not there yet, there being that matrimonial bliss but hopefully I will be sooner than later inshAllah. 

At least The One bbéd me about 11ish asking where I was.  I love attention and acts that show care and concern about one's beloved.

_______________________________
Till we meet again,
Sedeso

PS: The one who popped up suddenly will be referred to from now onwards as The Popper.

Project Happiness: Day 57

Day 57 coincided with a Tuesday, which was the first day of Eid.  Woke up to a nice surprise.  Found a missed call from The One at 8:37am.  Seems he wanted to wish me a happy Eid.  I am so glad he called me and made a point of wishing it to me when he called the second time during my lunch.  He still cares enough to call which may drive me to hold on to this one shred of hope of a happily ever after future.

However, I was pissed off slightly when he asked me why I haven't introduced him to Lubby.  I've never met a man who insists on meeting all his woman's friends unless he doubts her and he lacks trust.  This one has mentioned how he doesn't care about my friends and only wants to test the waters to see my reaction.  Next time I'll be bold and tell him how he can only meet my friends if he was married to me.  That should stop this silly behavior.

Eid was spent with my family, which I loved.  Although I am used to spending time with a certain friend I have to change this habit since holidays are supposed to be for the family.

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Bedroom and Headboard inspo:

 So I am happy but more than that I am very grateful.

And I must seriously watch my weight, work out more often and eat healthily.

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

Project Happiness: Day 56

Day 56 coincided with a Monday, a day off from work since it is a public holiday.  I fasted and this is how I prefer my fasting, to coincide with a day off so as not to suffer from caffeine withdrawals.

I woke up late and remembered that I had many little chores to do that including tidying up the room, burning incents, calling up the UK, and getting his info for him.  I was going to do whatever it takes to get the info he required.  And I think this time it wasn't an excuse to chat with me.  He really wanted to sort it out and couldn't do it himself and didn't know who to contact and preferred not to get the embassy involved.

I made a few phone calls and within 20 minutes accessed his account and got his results.  I emailed them to him and called immediately.  He was impressed of course since he called me a Voodoo Lady.  I asked him to knock on wood.  He kept asking me for details which pissed me off.  I noticed something.  Every time he starts asking me for a favor, he ends up questioning every step I took.  This of course drives me mad and I must make that clear.  So of course I was cranky on the phone call and he immediately figured out that I was fasting.  Fasting wasn't the reason I was cranky.  It is his analysis that pisses me off as if I cannot get a job done well enough.  And this is in my nature. Just give me a task and give me the freedom and flexibility to get it done my way.  Don't get involved because it would irritate me.

Then I went off to the gym for a workout and he bbéd me.  He joked about my hybrid origins and sent me a joke-telling me to hear it after gym.

I love The One, truly and deeply with all his flaws, annoying habits, and insecurities.  He is still very much linked to my happiness.
______________________________

 Like the plate

 Love the whole set

Till we meet again,

Sedeso

Project Happiness: Day 55

Woke up knackered, only to be surprised by a bbm from The One sent at 5:37am asking me to wake him up at 10.  I smiled.  Are we fully back together but on his terms? 

Lord, how sweet this feeling of receiving signs that indicate hope, hope in acheiving one's wildest dreams.  Is this the response I got for facing one fear?  Or is this a response for my desperate cries?

I called and called and as per usual, The One only picked up after the umpteenth time.  Anyways I couldn't call him honey because it felt wrong at this stage, so I spoke to him gently reminding him that he better wake because it seems he has alot of work to get done.

And if my morning couldn't get any better, mom told me to go ahead and travel with M to Londres for X-mas and New Years.  Yaaaaaaaay.  A bigger yaaaaaay.  So I have been calculating the budget I will need and I think I will manage somehow.  Can't wait!

In the evening, I had a few more doubts because we had a long conversation by bb where he indirectly asked for help with his graduation certificate and how he wanted to attend his graduation ceremony and whether it was too late or not and how he wanted any excuse just to escape from his workplace.  I remembered how he told me recently that he didn't really need any favours for me and all he was trying to do was keep me busy.  Now if this was really the case, why was I contacted again and asked for more favours?

All I know is that I am so in love with The One and still hope to end up with him.

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

Project Happiness: Day 53

I was meant to have an eye check-up.  You see, as worried as I have been about the consequences of lasik, I am so annoyed with contacts and glasses since they irritate and annoy me that I thought fine.  I might as well go ahead with it.  And even though I got turned away in the morning, it seems I was meant to have those tests so my boss instructed me to go back for the testing.

As I was about to turn into the long corridor, 2 men were in front of me.  I remember thinking to myself:  perhaps one of those men is really cute.  The first one was ugly.  The second one was cute enough that most sane girls I know would fall for easily.  Sorry, he was not my cup of tea but after his polite persistence and patience, I decided to accept the number. He waited so long in the waiting area while I was getting my eyes examined.  You never know what the future holds or how things may turn out. 

I cannot read the signs that the universe sends my way that well. I think.

I sat with Aida, who read my finjan.  As reluctant as I was to the reading, I went along with it, reminding myself that she will probably reflect more of my current state of mind than my actual future predictions.  Even as she was doing the reading, I was thinking to myself, a lot of the things are pure coincidence.  Her predictions included to the best of my remembrance:

• That I shouldn't give up on a certain man because he is really good.
• This man truly loves me a lot but he is so slow when it comes to big decisions.
• He wants to accomplish things before settling down.  He does want to get married one day.
• There will be 2 men to choose from at the time of proposal. 
• That I will choose and marry for love.
• I will get promoted and be higher paid at work.
• I will have 3 children, 2 boys, and a girl.
• Within 2 days, or 2 weeks or 2 months, I will receive some great news.
• I will receive a big chunk of money soon.

Then she read my April personality:

• That I will make a great mother.
• That I have alot of love and care for my future husband
• That I enjoy arranging elegant, themed dinners
• That I am very diplomatic
• That I have a lot of patience

 A part of me thinks that she is good at reading people's faces and body language and incorporates it in her reading.  I won't even consider anything she says for one reason.  It totally clashed with what The One told me yesterday.  I will live in the moment and try to make the most of things.  So maybe I'll give that hospital dude a chance once I get this phone fixed (PS: As it turns out, I didn't pick up the number correctly).

_______________________________

Wedding Decor ideas.  A change in colors would definetely make this decor much nicer.

I am happy yes.  I feel blessed yes.  But most importantly, I am very grateful for all that God has given me. 

Till we meet again,

Sedeso

Project Happiness: Day 54

Spoke to mom in the morning and cried on the phone.  I told mum how glad I am that it's over with The One.  Perhaps The One is not destined for me. I mean I must not forget the negative things that made me bitter and drove me mad:  how he never commented nicely on my clothes; how he always commented on the beauty of other girls; how no achievement of mine was ever good enough; how he forcefully pushed me to a earn more money; how he was so selfish; how he considered I never did anything for him; how he never appreciated any favors I did and made a point of saying I did nothing for him; how he always accused me of cheating on him; how he never kept his promises; how he never made me a priority in his life; how he always assumed all my friends were sluts; how he always made his insecurities sound like strengths...... and many many more things.  I realize now how once again, I repeated that cycle with the same mistakes.  Ukh, when will I ever learn???

But as soon as I thought this, I reminded myself that I can only be myself, a refined version of me an nobody else.

Now one thing I wondered about was the level of beauty of his hermanas.  So although previously both me and madre agreed that sometimes ugly men have stunning sisters, a better metric of comparison is to realize that many men are more good looking than their sisters.  Now we've seen 3 of the males so how much more beautiful can the sisters be?  But regardless, beauty is not a good parameter to consider when it comes to a soulmate and I truly hope mother realizes this one day.  I had to end the phonecall because my heart couldn't bare hearing my mother cuss somebody I am in love with.  I jumped into the shower hoping the water will wash away some of my heartache.

Which reminds me that I need to send madre dearest to another therapy session.  

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Then met up with M and Lubby in D mall.  I had a great time chitchatting with the ladies over lunch and chocolate shots and cakes and we made fun plans for Bank Holiday.  A stupid idiot spoke out his number to me then repeated it a few hours later.  What an idiot!  As if I care

But I felt very guilty for one thing: for telling Lubby that she has gained weight.  It may have come across as rude of me and I am glad she accepted it gracefully.

Also, M suggested that I go to London with her over Christmas and New Years.  As much as I'd love that I have no to manage my finances under such short notice.   

And just as I was restless, waiting on the floor for the shimmy class to start, my phone rings and it was The One.  I realized that earlier on I promised myself not to answer his phonecalls once he calls because I should carry on with my life.  There is no point in dwelling on something that may never happen and I should carry on with it. 

He spoke to me strangely, or perhaps I felt he has become a stranger to me.  Very formally and slightly degrading in that Big-shot kinda way.  He reminded me of Agent 009, and the way I was spoken to when everything was over.  

He asked me what I was doing.  Then joked about me going to Egypt to dance.  I told him noway.

He asked about the girl who introduced us, but it was more like he was interrogating me (due to his job nature).  He is an insecure man and like many insecure people, they tend to fake macho-ness and feed on others flaws.

What was the point of this phonecall?  Did he think we were still together and okay?  Is this why as soon as I answered he asked me where I've been?  Weird, so weird and I do not get it one least bit.    

I cried when I prayed that night because a part of me still wants to be with him.  But as soon as I got finished my prayer and got off my knees, I told myself I am no longer afraid of losing him because I could fall in love with somebody else tomorrow.  I am no longer afraid of him cheating or sleeping with another because perhaps just perhaps I am better suited with someone else.  And if anything, this man annoys the hell out of me.

I won't dwell too much on the future, just focus on being right here right now with my thought. 

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I am happy today yes partly because I was contacted by The One and not the other way around. 

May my future grow happier day by day.

Till we meet again,

Sedeso