Woke up missing The One. So tried calling him on my way to work but the line wouldn't get through. This may have been a sign, I said to myself. But come evening time, I missed him so much more. My heart longed for The One and is still in denial about the whole situation. What is this desperate hope in miracles that never ceases to exist within me? It's mainly because I am hoping my whole life will be a series of miracles.
I bb'ed in the evening asking if I could see him and he said he is busy with work. I am still not too sure about the nature of his work since he has started working evening shifts and has to work all over the country now, sometimes even in the North.
He was so rude asking why I wanted to see him and how he had no time for me. I called but he said he will call when he leaves work.
And he did call within half an hour. The One spoke to me, explaining things although I didn't even ask him for anything or about anything. All I wanted was to set a date to give him the gifts I got from B town.
I don't know why my throat was constricted and I was holding back the tears. Oh yeah, I do know why. Here was a man I was madly in love with who was damaging all hope of a happily ever after future. It hurt me but was not drastic. I was aware of the hurt but throughout a tiny voice from within me spoke out and said: You're gonna be fine. You are young and can fall in love again and have a lot of possibilities at a happily ever after ending. That is why I spoke in a low voice to avoid the tears and of course, he called me emotional and irrational.
He said he is not thinking of marriage because whichever woman he ends up with: whether it be me, or his neighbor, or his Khala's daughter he will end up being miserable with. What kind of woman is okay with seeing her man not too often and sleeping nights alone? And according to him, I am a woman who demands attention from her man, so life with him will be very difficult.
So true, if this is his lifestyle then life with him will be a complete misery. But what bugged me the most is this: either his neighbor or his Khala's daughter. So those are his potential suitors
This man has alot of control over me and maybe this is a bad thing. They say you have to be submissive in love and this is kinda hard for the alpha personality within me.
In the end, his voice tone changed when I told him I called because I wanted to give him the gifts. I told him I can leave it anywhere if he is that busy. So he said it's okay, that he likes my little 'petty' gifts and will come over so we can have dinner sometime.
So now, I have become the desperate one and I cannot believe that I am chasing a man who I wasn't even into 2 years ago.
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I wanted this watch and found it in Londres for 60 quid when I was with The One. Why oh why did I not buy it?
I realized that sometimes in life if we miss out on opportunities they may not always come back in the same form. So from now on, I will not deny any gift coming my way.
The One is full of insecurities I have come to realize. And having me and being with me has probably been the biggest ego-booster to this idiot of a man. Had I played hard to get he would be dying to be with me by now. But at the end of the day, destiny has already carved our paths.
My mind tells me I can do so much better. Honestly. But my heart is still very clingy. Sigh!
Till we meet again,
Sedeso
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