Project Happiness: Day 54

Spoke to mom in the morning and cried on the phone.  I told mum how glad I am that it's over with The One.  Perhaps The One is not destined for me. I mean I must not forget the negative things that made me bitter and drove me mad:  how he never commented nicely on my clothes; how he always commented on the beauty of other girls; how no achievement of mine was ever good enough; how he forcefully pushed me to a earn more money; how he was so selfish; how he considered I never did anything for him; how he never appreciated any favors I did and made a point of saying I did nothing for him; how he always accused me of cheating on him; how he never kept his promises; how he never made me a priority in his life; how he always assumed all my friends were sluts; how he always made his insecurities sound like strengths...... and many many more things.  I realize now how once again, I repeated that cycle with the same mistakes.  Ukh, when will I ever learn???

But as soon as I thought this, I reminded myself that I can only be myself, a refined version of me an nobody else.

Now one thing I wondered about was the level of beauty of his hermanas.  So although previously both me and madre agreed that sometimes ugly men have stunning sisters, a better metric of comparison is to realize that many men are more good looking than their sisters.  Now we've seen 3 of the males so how much more beautiful can the sisters be?  But regardless, beauty is not a good parameter to consider when it comes to a soulmate and I truly hope mother realizes this one day.  I had to end the phonecall because my heart couldn't bare hearing my mother cuss somebody I am in love with.  I jumped into the shower hoping the water will wash away some of my heartache.

Which reminds me that I need to send madre dearest to another therapy session.  

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Then met up with M and Lubby in D mall.  I had a great time chitchatting with the ladies over lunch and chocolate shots and cakes and we made fun plans for Bank Holiday.  A stupid idiot spoke out his number to me then repeated it a few hours later.  What an idiot!  As if I care

But I felt very guilty for one thing: for telling Lubby that she has gained weight.  It may have come across as rude of me and I am glad she accepted it gracefully.

Also, M suggested that I go to London with her over Christmas and New Years.  As much as I'd love that I have no to manage my finances under such short notice.   

And just as I was restless, waiting on the floor for the shimmy class to start, my phone rings and it was The One.  I realized that earlier on I promised myself not to answer his phonecalls once he calls because I should carry on with my life.  There is no point in dwelling on something that may never happen and I should carry on with it. 

He spoke to me strangely, or perhaps I felt he has become a stranger to me.  Very formally and slightly degrading in that Big-shot kinda way.  He reminded me of Agent 009, and the way I was spoken to when everything was over.  

He asked me what I was doing.  Then joked about me going to Egypt to dance.  I told him noway.

He asked about the girl who introduced us, but it was more like he was interrogating me (due to his job nature).  He is an insecure man and like many insecure people, they tend to fake macho-ness and feed on others flaws.

What was the point of this phonecall?  Did he think we were still together and okay?  Is this why as soon as I answered he asked me where I've been?  Weird, so weird and I do not get it one least bit.    

I cried when I prayed that night because a part of me still wants to be with him.  But as soon as I got finished my prayer and got off my knees, I told myself I am no longer afraid of losing him because I could fall in love with somebody else tomorrow.  I am no longer afraid of him cheating or sleeping with another because perhaps just perhaps I am better suited with someone else.  And if anything, this man annoys the hell out of me.

I won't dwell too much on the future, just focus on being right here right now with my thought. 

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I am happy today yes partly because I was contacted by The One and not the other way around. 

May my future grow happier day by day.

Till we meet again,

Sedeso