Project Happiness: Day 38

I thought I didn't need therapy but my worry about the 'poisonous words' remarks made me realize that perhaps I do need help after all before it becomes too late.  I kept on searching for a holy verse that would tame my occasional civil tongue but all I found was:

اللهم حسن خولوقي كما حسنت خلقي

But this wasn't enough for me.  So I texted my therapist and she booked me in the same day.

Here's what came out of my session:

- That the problem is within me and nothing to do with my man.  That I need to work with myself because I will keep behaving the same way regardless of who the man is.  I should be grateful that this one is patient enough to have lasted this long.

- That I should hope for the best but stop expecting things.  That the 40-day prayer hasn't been answered yet because of my desperation and because I was expecting it.  Don't expect it and it will come.

- The same applies to my graduation ceremony.  That my beau didn't attend because I expected him not to.

- That he secretly knows I want to get married to him and that as long as I am this desperate then he won't.  He wants to be the decision-maker and not me.

- That I should stop being afraid of things and accept them the same way I stopped being afraid of my lacking prayers and accepted therm, hence I stopped fearing death itself.  I should stop being afraid of losing him and just accept things the way they are.  Our fears can end up becoming realities so stop fearing the worst.  Just let things be.

- That I haven't been sleeping well and felt on the verge of exploding because my mind was too occupied.  My body is here, part of my mind is living the future, another bit is regretting the past and so I am in peace.  I should be and live right here, right now.  Hope for a beautiful future but not dwell on it too much.  I must become more grounded in the present.

-  That I am yet to accept myself fully.  It is only when I love myself and accept it with all its flaws that I will accept my man fully and this will reciprocate.  I must remember that the world around me reflects the inner me.

- That I should accept my rudeness, my civil tongue, my demons, and all the way I have come to accept my sensitivity.

- That there still remains a child within me that is longing to be taken care of and protected like a fairytale princess.

- That the Hussy S is very smart when it comes to dealing with men and she believed she deserved it all, that's why she got it.

- That an important lesson to be learned from jealousy was spelled out by the Hussy S.  When a man tries to get you jealous by bringing up other girls, ignore him.  Because if he wanted to be with them he would go to them but the fact that he is with me should be the biggest indicator of how much he wants me.  So I mustn't state the obvious and ask him rudely to go to them.  Just be secretly happy that he cares enough to want to make me jealous.

- That I shouldn't try to fill up my life purposely as a means of filling the void.  I should simply pursue my passions because I want to.

- That there is no harm in dreaming of furnishing my home instead of my mother's or even 'our' future room together as opposed to 'his room.

- That even though I feel that I've gone 10 steps back with my therapy, I have actually progressed a lot more than I am realizing.  The right challenges will come at the time that I am ready to face them.

That's all I remember from my therapy.  Anyways, when I left the clinic, I found that he accepted me back on bbm.  

I won't wonder this time about the future.  I will simply hope for the best and leave it at that.

 ___________________________________

Selective Bedrooms:

 Whether the walls are carved or just wall-papered, it's beautiful, only for confined small spaces.  The touches will be lost within big bedrooms.  The bed frame isn't all that but goes beautifully with the walls,  any other shape would have affected the symmetry.

 Girly room, but lower walls can cause claustrophobia.  But cute and minimalistic.

 Earthy floors, nude and navy sheets, white rooms, all go very well together.  Again nice modern Chandelier and white rooms require alot of big windows to allow the sunlight in.

 Romantic Room very Banoota-like.  Pastel tones can be relaxing.  Nice headboard and treasure chair in front of the bed.  Vintage furniture styles should always be pastelly, white, or mirrored.  Not for couples, only for young ladies.

 Beautiful Bed but the coral walls are too much for a bedroom.  They may invoke feelings as opposed to calming one down.

 Big Patterns can be very nice.  Purple goes well with white if other colors are added.  One painted wall is still in.

Beautiful wallpaper, chinoiserie.  Separator?/ head-board? adds a nice touch to any bedroom and notice how it's slightly of a different shade.  Silky sheets are heavenly and white and baby blue have always been my favorite colors. The touch of pink and green are taken from the wallpaper add beauty.  And the beautiful bedroom chair, of similar color and pattern but not exact.

Very interesting room.  The plum chair adds luxury, the green antique tables too.  Who would've thought you can add beige to the room and it'd still turn out okay.  However, I am not too sure about the lined curtains and with certain colors, if the wallpaper is too patterned then the floors must be bare. 

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

Project Happiness: Day 37

So I called him on the second day of silence and as it turns out he is very very angry (what else was I expecting) and hearing my voice brought back many bitter feelings (he has been thinking about my mean words since I uttered them) but he did not mean it when he said let's go our separate ways.  He wanted me to taste my own medicine because this was a phrase I used very lightly when I should take it with utter seriousness.

He told me how hurt he was because some of my words were like poison, they cut through his heart and this is what hurt me sooooooooo much.  I am a sweet person by nature and it is never my intention to hurt anybody especially the person whom I love with my all.  

So an alert bulb went on in that head of mine:  I must find a solution to save this relationship.  I must break this frustration circle with the monthly bouts of anger.

But how?  Should I go and see my therapist or let it be and see how things evolve? 

And at the end of the phone call, when I asked if he still loved me, his answer was this:  what do you think?  

He does still love me otherwise he wouldn't still be with me.  

And hope was ignited once again which made me tear up.

Tonight I can sleep well.  I am hoping for a brighter future.

________________________________
Drapery and living room ideas:

From experience, greyish tones, if not illuminated well can be gloomy to any room.   

 How I love mixing patterns and colours but very carefully as to avoid tackiness.  

 Again beautiful carpet.  It has a pattern and is in monotones. 

Most would think pink and grey are girly bedroom colours but done carefully with the right amount of patterns can make it astounding.  

Cannot wait till I start the Interior Design Course.

_____________________________________
On day 37, Happiness was in knowing that I have not lost my love forever and that hope is still ignited.

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

Project Happiness: Day 36

I was hoping that The One would contact me by the end of the day but he hasn't.  Then again, he is the one who plays hard to get.  I mean remember how in January he didn't call me for 3 whole days until I came up with a stupid excuse and called him. 

I deleted him from bbm simply because even though bbm might have been a means for him to contact me, I didn't want him to know about my outings and whereabouts.

I kept telling myself I won't contact him for 10 days.  Not until I come back from my B town trip.  But, alot can happen from now till then.  Miracles can happen.  I didn't cry as much as I did when things ended with Agent 009 but then again I could still be in the initial stage of shock.  Perhaps none of it has sunk in yet and I am in denial.

But I cannot call this time because he is the one who asked for the separation.   He broke it off.  It wasn't the usual scenario where I would ask for a separation then retract my words back when I regretted it. 

As much as I hate this current situation maybe it's a blessing in disguise. 

And if he did not come after me this time, chances are he never will.

Maybe someone else is written in my destiny.

Maybe he is seeing someone else?  Who knows. Let's face it, it could be a possibility.

Maybe this is the answer to all my prayers.

Whatever the reason is, I hope some humongous blessing comes out of this and that my matrimonial status is closer than I have ever imagined it to be.

I simply wonder if he misses me at all?  That's the least I should expect after having spent 1.5 years with a man.

If it is meant to be, he will come back to me and marry me.  And if it's not meant to be then I hope fate has something better in store for me. 

Till we meet again,

Sedeso

I have evolved I am sure because this time around this break-up feels different and I am reacting to it differently.

Project Happiness: Day 35 (The Day of Doom)

Shall I call it the Day of The Doom or The End or The Day My heart Broke?  I can call it many things but here is what will mark Sunday the 24th of October 2010: This is the day that The One finally said:  That we should both go our seperate ways.

Did he say it out of anger and frustration because I pushed him to it ( I always say things I don't mean when I am angry) or did he really mean it?  I don't know because later on when I reminded him not to hurt me since he has sisters and will one day have daughters, he continued bbming and even ended it with a goodnight and a puzzled smily face.  So for now, maybe its not finally over but a turning point, we either get married or move on.  Or is it another rift?  Or is it a forced break between us?  I don't know.  Its funny how this happened one day after I got the dream deciphered and half an hour after I prayed Istekhara.

OMG, I just noticed that I wrote finally, its like I have unconsciously been waiting for this moment.

I wasn't afraid but I remember thinking: this relationship is doomed.  It is going nowhere for now, unless a miracle happens so if its ending I need some sort of closure.  If I know that he will marry me eventually, I might have acted differently, been frustrated less and fought much less about things.  Funny that madre agrees that I did indeed argue with ppl so much.  So I must have argued with him too much and no man would have the patience that he had with me.

I wonder: Did I end this relationship with my thoughts?  Could my thoughts be this powerful?  And if this is the case then I must learn to use this strength in more positive things.

For now, I am in shock.  Is it really over?

I don't know when the pain will kick in for I am still in shock.

This time, I will not call.  If he wants me, he has to be the one to call and tell me that he loves me and misses me (something my heart is yearning for).  Because if he doesn't come back wanting me, then I should forget about happily ever after with him. 

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

PS: A small part of me asks if time went back would I have done things differently?  But I shouldnt think this way.  Whatever has happened is in the past now. I must live in the present and hope for a better and brighter future with someone who will love me equally if not more.  Khair InshAllah.

PPS:  I could book another session with my therapist but let's wait and see how this will unfold.  Sometimes things work out for themselves. 

Project Happiness: Day 34

I got a reply sms back from 2701 and it said:

خير انشالله هذه الرؤيا بشارة لك بقرب زواجك او عقد قرانك وانك ترزقين بذلك اجتماع اهلك واحباؤك والله اعلم

So here it is, a sign from the universe to be a little more patient, no need for any fortunetellers or crying episodes.

So I will get married somehow.  I have no clue who (although my heart is crying out The One's name); I have no clue when because soon may be a month, a day, or even a year; I have no clue how this small miracle will happen but it will.  In the meantime, I will keep this from my mother.  I feel I inherited her desperation and I should keep things from her. 

And as I changed her bandages for her and kept bbming back, I told Sehru that my biggest fear wasn't death but not marrying.  Leaving no legacy on this earth would be a life wasted.  But more important than that, not marrying for love is devastating.  They say we shouldn't dwell too much upon our fears so as not to turn them into reality.  I am merely a human being and these fears will always be there.  However, what I can do is acknowledge their existence and focus more and pray for what I truly want. 

Worked my legs out in 2 consecutive classes of shimmy shimmy then had a healthy dinner at madre's place.

My beau is too busy that I seem to be used to not having him around anymore.  Is this the end?  Is this the answer to my constant desperate prayers?  Am I meant to end up with someone else?  A small, very small part of me keeps saying:  There is a reason why it's not happening yet. HE knows best.  And I must believe that HE will grant me whatever is right.

And a random thought came into my mind: It seems that I can survive and live my life without him.

I wonder what the future holds for me.  I don't know, I really don't know and do not understand any of it.

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

PS: As desperate as I may sometimes/always become, and as often as my restlessness and helplessness kicks in, I will keep at it and keep on praying until my ultimate dream becomes a reality.

خير انشالله

Project Happiness: Day 33

Ever since I finished my education, I have had a lot more of me-time.  So now, whenever I go out I actually put a little more effort in my looks.

Lulu noticed it and said green suits me.  I was blessed with very attractive looks.  But regardless of what the exterior shows, inside of me is a great restlessness.  You see, The One keeps telling me things are alright and that we are fine and that we'll be okay but if that was the case, how come I haven't seen him since that weekend?  How come he is too busy for me?  How come he barely calls me?  How come our telephone conversations have dwindled into a few greetings and words?  I realize that all relationships go through rough patches but I do not want to remain the one who keeps putting more effort into this. 

We've been together for over a year and it's always me who works harder and puts more effort, the way I see it.

My biggest fear is if he hasn't proposed yet, will he ever want me enough to marry?

So after a somehow fun lunch, where myself and the ladies planned a weekend getaway to another city, I went back home to spend time with the family.

I hate being home in the evenings without having anything useful to occupy my mind because that's when the devil starts playing in it and poisoning it. And once again the restlessness equation comes into action.

Anyways, Sue dreamt that she was distributing my wedding cards and padre was specifically asking her not to forget to invite my high school buddies and teachers. So I texted the dream explanation service.

Apparently, I will receive a reply by text within 24 hours.

I am even more restless and cannot wait for the answer.

I wonder what the future holds. 

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

Project Happiness: Day 32

On the 32nd day, mixed emotions surfaced.

I ended up staying a bit late with the boss, doing work but mainly chitchatting. I love lazing about at work and not doing much.  Call me a lazy bum but I started hating too much stress.  I prefer the occasional moderate doses of stress only.

I then went to Topshop and bumped into M so we shopped together.  I taught her a few tricks about hitting the TopShop sales but while doing that, I felt a frown on my heart.  I've been suffering from a heavy load on my chest and shoulders.  It has also been combined with restlessness.  Why has The One not proposed yet?  God, I have realized the trend:

He doesn't propose ==> I get restless ==> I get frustrated ==>  I start fighting over the smallest of all reasons ==> we fight ==> he gets angrier ==> I am even more frustrated for not getting what I want ==> he becomes very distant ==> I become helpless and clingy ==> I am about to explode because I cannot even tell him why I act the way I do ==> so we end up having the monthly fight just before I get my period.

But after the tears start pouring I calm down only to remind myself that there is a reason why God isn't giving me this ultimate wish yet.

I envy people like M, who accept themselves, their lives, their bodies with a smile and are always cheerful and uppety and happy, bouncing around and making the most of their lives.  I wish to become a little bit more like M instead of my usually gloomy old self (sighs).

Next stop: passing by L's hotel to say hello.  As soon as she saw my face she got shocked and asked me what's wrong?  By now, I have mastered the: oh I am exhausted because of work, reply, which is complete bull since I have the easiest job in the world.  What is wrong with me and my gloomy mood.  I looked at L's imperfections and wondered why can't I be grateful for all that I have and content like her?  

And towards the end of the day, I decided to freshen up and go over to Harriet's place, who has hit the jackpot with her marriage to that guy. Everybody I know is surprised how she ended up with this man.  He's too good for her.  But obviously, he was written in her destiny.  But, forgive me God for what I am about to say because the way we see it, she does not deserve all that she has at all.  And even though her lunatic of a mother cussed mi Madre a lot, I came back home grateful for who I am, for what I have, for my life, my family, my friends, and for realizing how lucky I am.

And before going to bed, I prayed a thankful prayer because regardless of what I lack in my life I still am blessed for too much.

So a mish-mash of emotions for this day.   I simply wonder how my life will turn out.

____________________________________

Not sure how I feel about flowers.

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

Project Happiness: Day 31

What made me happy on the 31st day?  A delicious Indian Luncheon with my ex-work buddies made me realize how blessed I am to have a caring social circle.   

Later that night I went to see madre to help bathe her since she is still recovering from her surgery.  As I was scrubbing her shoulders, I was aware that I'd be getting 'good deed points' for it but I didn't want to get it this way.  I wasn't helping madre on purpose to get the points, I was simply doing it out of love.  Do we lose the points as soon as we realize that we are getting it?  Is it no longer considered a selfless deed?  I simply wonder.

________________________

 Great pink and white combination.

 

Desperately wanting a vintage dress with the exact shoulder style.  I even asked Madre to get it tailored for me.

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

I have Nothing

Whitney Houston reached the top 10 and made millions out of this song.

I neither reached nor made when I uttered these words to Kh. at the wedding (when I attended 2 weddings on the same day.  I know she was waiting for something like:

I am engaged / I am married / I have so and so many children......

but all I could say was: I have nothing.

At that moment,  I forgot the thousands of blessings that have been bestowed upon me, all of them and not one, not even my recent graduation seemed worth mentioning.  I guess we still live in the: I married therefore I am, therefore my existence won't be complete and my life won't have meaning until I marry the man I love and live happily ever after.  InshAllah.

May this incident be a reminder an lesson that I must be proud of myself and what I have never cease to be grateful for it all.

From Whitney's song:

Share my life, take me for what I am

Coz I'll never change all my colors for you

Take my love, I'll never ask for too much

Just all that you are and everything that you do

I have nothing, nothing, nothing, if I don't have you.......

________________________________

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

Project Happiness: Day 30

On my 30th day of happiness, something interesting happened. 

Mi madre had a house guest, something that hasn't happened in years.  She has always hated her status and blamed it all on padre.  I agree that padre caused madre a lot of misery and heartache but of course God has also put those perils in her path to test her.

So for someone like mi madre to allow another person in her house and expose a part of her she'd rather keep hidden is huge.  Humongous!!!

I felt happy that mom was excited about her visitor.  But nothing beats knowing how much she enjoyed herself and how a 1 hour afternoon visit extended till midnight.

I went to my shimmy shimmy class to keep my mind occupied and hoped that madre would get a reading since her guests read the qahveh.  Something was eating at me.  I was desperate for a sign, a clue, an omen anything to reassure my bleeding, desperate heart.  I want matrimony to be written in my destiny, but not any matrimony except a happy one.  And when the lack of Turkish coffee prevented a reading I became a bit more restless until I reminded myself that: there must be a 'wise' reason why my ultimate dream hasn't been fulfilled yet. 

Therefore on the 30th day, I realized that part of happiness lays in the happiness and wellness of my close and loved ones.  An unselfish kind of happiness.

_____________________________

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

Project Happiness: Day 29

Some of my acquaintances who do not know the details of my life view it as 'the happy girl who has it all'.  Of course they have no clue what goes on in my head and heart.  When I look at the mirror I see something different because let's face it: we all are more aware of our own flaws.  And what's even worst: most of us do not accept ourselves with our flaws, which explains why other people will not accept us.

I dislike my cellulite but what I dislike more is the gym and I'd rather do many other uncomfortable things than go to the gym.  So one of my options is to go swimming.  But swimming has its downfalls: it ruins my hair and makes me so hungry afterwards. 

Anyways, I met up with M Jaan for a very late dinner and alot was revealed.  Back then, I somehow decided to detach myself from M jaan and her Zee because I was worried they'd told Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee too much info about me.

So, you know the saying what goes around eventually comes around?  Here is what has come around so far, and I have an inkling of a feeling that life still has lots more up its sleeves:

- Yamatek and Tdee and Tdum stopped talking to M Jaan after she took off her Veil.  This made her realize what insincere frauds they were.

- M Jaan and Zee fell out.  M finally realized that Zee is a selfish, bitchy, 2-faced, control freak who manipulated her like a toy all those years.  It took her meeting her future beau and loving him above all to be able to stand up to her bully.

-M Jaan figured out ages ago that Jazz was so jealous from me and made fun of my clothes even though she dressed tacky herself compared to my colourful style. She told her hubby and bro-in-law that most girls were jealous from me. 

She told me so much more.  This made me realize that yes I was bullied by them all in the past but  I somehow triumphed over all of them and (touch wood) I am at a better place, not compared to them but for myself.

I stayed up till very late but it all went well.  Those who mean alot to me will always be there regardless of distance and time.  I am so glad I had the opportunity to experience a whole new and different lifestyle independently.  Thank you Lord.

______________________________
Jewelry Set Inspo

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

Project Happiness: Day 28-b

Watching Eat, Pray Love invoked some feelings in me and made me wonder if me still being with The One is really worth it or not.

It takes a brave and strong woman who is addicted to and deeply in love with a man to have the guts to walk out and leave him because he simply does not do it for her anymore.  I used to be a strong woman once upon a time, or at least much stronger than what I am now.

I don't get many things:

if God knows my emotional need for a man then why won't he provide me with one yet?

Why is it that matrimony comes easiest to those who do not want it and who do not care for it much?

Why are there so many unmatched marriages taking place?

Why do the worst girls get the best guys?

I don't understand any of this.  But this film triggered alot of tears in me. 

  __________________________________

Big puffy dresses are so cute:

Till we meet again,

Sedeso

Project Happiness: Day 28-a

So, I lunched with Sweet N and was disappointed because I thought I'll endure the place for the gossip I'll be hearing which wasn't much btw.

And it was while we were discussing N's temper that I said something which would apply to me perfectly.  I sent out a prayer for N to get hitched to the man she's been waiting for because we all assume that this would solve most of her problems.  And when Sweet N agreed I told her this:  God is not making it happen for a reason.  If it were meant to be for her she would've been married by now. 

And while saying this I thought: me too.  There is a reason The One isn't proposing or hinting to anything more serious. Off the top of my head: I may be meant to end up with someone else; I may become miserable if I married The One; his family may make my life a living hell, perhaps one of us is still not ready and needs to mature .......etc. I don't know.  I really do not know. 

It is this not knowing that is frustrating me the most.  It is this fear of not getting what I truly desire the most that keeps me on the brink of tears at all times.  Lemme re-phrase this:  I am not afraid of not getting it but I am afraid that God hasn't written it in my destiny, in اللوح المحفوظ . As this would mean I am not blessed.

This is why all I have are prayers, prayers at night, prayers before bed, prayers after food and prayers whilst driving, prayers all the time.  Desperate prayers filled with tears streaming from an aching heart.  I am the one who believes and waits for miracles and if it is not written in my destiny that I truly hope that with my prayers and those of all the people who care about me, one of them will be answered only to give me what my heart truly desires.

God won't you just hitch me for love already?

_____________________________
Jewelry organizers: I want something like this.

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

Project Happiness: Day 27

I woke up late, ate and went back to sleep.  Boy, do I have issues with sleeping: the room must be pitch-black dark, I must have an eye cover, there mustn't be any noise, I have to sleep on a comfy bed.  The pillows must be medium sized...etc.

I was exhausted but had to help madre bathe and go to my shimmy class.

I seriously am not ready to begin a new week.  I need to catch up on sleep.

Perhaps as the days are rolling by I am coming to a realization.  That regardless of the outcome of this happiness project, I should seriously be grateful for everything I have been blessed with. 

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

PS: I am frustrated that I haven't seen The One is a long time and his phonecalls are limited because he is apparently 'busy'.

An Apology

There is something to be added about me: that I behave much nicer to strangers than I do to the people I am closest to.  It's like I am too shy to be nice to them.  I'd rather keep up a cold, unmoving facade. It bugs me alot but I will try to simply be aware of it in vain hope that it shall resolve by itself.  

What surprised me though was my level of awareness.  I was so frustrated and boiling on the inside from my sibling's unawareness of time that we ended up being an hour late to the wedding.  Before this sibling came I was thinking out loud: you might as well be late, being angry and losing it won't get you there any earlier, anger won't solve this issue.  Yet as soon as the sibling rode with me I flipped, shouting out:  stupid stupid stupid.

The moment was too intense that my sibling started crying.  Something demonic took over me and I was fully aware of it but couldn't help myself and stop it.  Really, there was no need for such regular bout of drama.

This incident may have been a norm for me with my occasional outbursts that the closest people to my heart have to endure but the only difference this time is that, I did apologize.

Therefore, on our way back I was very hesitant about apologizing and for a moment decided against it.  But I said to myself: I might as well.  What have I got to lose this time other than my ego?

So I did it.  I apologized to one of the closest people to me and this I believe is evidence that something in me has changed.

Here's to reaching my full potential as a sensitive and caring Human Being whose heart will overflow with love.

______________________________________
Now here is what's wrong with the bridal stage:

 Orange and yellow lights are ugly.  Bridal chair is too small.

 Golden themes are overrated and not memorable. So is white sometimes.

 Beautiful but the Bridal throne should be the most distinguishable.

 Done in so many weddings and I personally dislike red and gold at weddings.

 Good lighting.  Nice patterns.

 It's okay but the finishing makes it appear tacky.  Sometimes just changing the material used adds a touch of class.

 Interesting idea.  Again material used makes it tacky.  Satin should be a big NO NO.

 Too small.  Could have been nicer had it been a circle and the length increased.

 Good area and table setting and nice big size fits with the theme.  Notice the ugly white satin.

 Beautiful.  Great black starry backrop.  interesting idea the balls.  Perhaps the throne could have been plainer and more color matching.  However, it was totally wrong to use yellow for the flowery stands.

 White curtained backdrop is nice.  Nice on stage but photos may not come out great.  Also another colour may have stood out better than white.

Throne material is so messy.  Nice candelabras but the stage should have been higher covering the back.
______________________________
Till we meet again,

Sedeso

Project Happiness: Day 26

On Day 26, I attended a wedding that me and my friends have been waiting for since Jan.  Yep, it was Sweet N's sibling's matrimonio partaay and it rocked.

Lemme start by confirming that I looked great and according to N carried myself in a regal, royal way. Actually I felt more like a Shehrezadeh.   

And the wedding itself went great.  I felt 'cool'and part of the in-crowd, dancing the night away till dusk.

The wedding ceremony itself had its mini-flaws like all weddings regardless of how good the organizer is but it all fit in perfectly with its imperfections.  

The only negative vibe we got was from our buddy N who has become very bitter with everyone around her thinking of herself as superior to all.  You see, this lass has been in love with a hesitant man for the past 8 years.  He has promised her matrimony but backed out so many times for lame excuses such as short of funds or his health or his nan's health (yes can you believe it) or other lame excuses.  I think this wait is what is frustrating her so much.

I feel so sorry for her and hope to God that I do not end up falling in the same trap.  I do not wish to judge her because I can understand where she is coming from and when it comes to matters of the heart, most women are too weak to take a big decision.  I too am waiting for that miracle but the only difference is: my beau insists he never wants to get married while hers keeps promising her futively.  I hope truly hope that this desire of hers does come true.

That night, I went home and prayed to God, thanking him for all the blessings that I have.  A part of me is afraid that if I do not show gratefulness then the blessings bestowed upon me might be take away.  Another smaller part of me realizes that I should be thanking him day and night for all that he has given me. 

So on day 26, I can say that I am happy, moderately happy but nonetheless happy Alhamdulilah.
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From the matrimonio partaayy:

Till we meet again,

Sedeso

Project Happiness: Day 25

25% of this project has passed by and I am nowhere close to achieving what I am hoping: to explore the definition of happiness, fully understand it at a deeper level and live by it.  Could this be because I am not going places? I think not because to purpose is to find happiness here, from within without the need to travel great distances or run away from my reality. 

I got my nails done today. 

Then I got ready to attend the Mehendi night at the bride's house.  And after attending it, I realized something  that:

- Families are the same everywhere and they come with their baggage of problems, fights, and jealousies.

- Having money, lots of it too, doesn't guarantee that you will have very good taste. 

- Although I come from a very unique, hybrid background, my parents gave me more than what most parents did for their children.

I need to let this sink in: I am blessed with so much yet I remain ungrateful about smaller petty things.    I should be happy with all that I have.  Knowing myself, I wonder how shaky my faith still is.  Will I crack at the first signs of negative incidents?  I simply wonder.

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

Project Happiness: Day 24

On the 24th day, I changed my mind and did not go out to see the Nobleman.  I know I know, yes.  I do realize that I said I will keep my options open to new experiences, newer men, and perhaps new feelings but this I find very hard. It is hard because I am too hooked to The One.  It feels like cheating and going against what I truly want, hope for, and believe in.  If this has worked for others, then it is a tough one for me.  I may as well stick to what I believe is right because if I don't, then what will be left from the person who happens to be me?

I love my beau and do not wish to cheat on him or play around.  I never had the energy to two-time.  Besides, why risk things? I do not wish to cheat not for him but because of who I am.  I am not a cheater and hopefully will never become one.

If I went out, I may have enjoyed my time but what goes around comes around and if you hope to end up with someone faithful, the least you can do is be faithful yourself. 

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Decor Inspo:

How cool is the last kitchen?  A central island idea is great.

Till we meet again,

Sedeso

Project Happiness: Day 23

So I asked Carlito about happiness, about why most things did not make me happy.

You see, for as long as I can remember, I have only felt what I call "sheer blissful happiness I was flying and over the moon" twice in my life.  The first was when I experienced my first taste of independence at the age of 16 and the second time was when Agent 009 texted me: If I had to choose all over again, I will choose you. During both those times, I wished for the universe to pause for a little so that I can take in the sheer bliss that I was experiencing.  During both times, I was trying so hard to memorize the feelings, incase I never got another moment, I will always have those 2 memories.

In reality, there must have been a dozen or more happy moments but its is those 2 that remain the most memorable.

Carlito's answer was: that I am no longer 16 or 25 and it will take alot more to make me happy, maybe even alot more than what this city has to offer.

But a lazy part of me does not wish to relocate right now.  I am keeping my life empty and stable just incase The One suddenly decides to marry me.  Just InCase.  So I am consciously putting things on hold which everyone will tell me is totally wrong.

So I am back to shimmy and its good knowing there is some sort of structure to my life.  A small part of me is so afraid of losing this flexibility and freedom once I get married but if therapy has taught me anything it is what we fear the most comes to us, so I better let things roll for themselves.

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Selective Hairstyles:

Till we meet again,
Sedeso