Project Happiness: Day 35 (The Day of Doom)

Shall I call it the Day of The Doom or The End or The Day My heart Broke?  I can call it many things but here is what will mark Sunday the 24th of October 2010: This is the day that The One finally said:  That we should both go our seperate ways.

Did he say it out of anger and frustration because I pushed him to it ( I always say things I don't mean when I am angry) or did he really mean it?  I don't know because later on when I reminded him not to hurt me since he has sisters and will one day have daughters, he continued bbming and even ended it with a goodnight and a puzzled smily face.  So for now, maybe its not finally over but a turning point, we either get married or move on.  Or is it another rift?  Or is it a forced break between us?  I don't know.  Its funny how this happened one day after I got the dream deciphered and half an hour after I prayed Istekhara.

OMG, I just noticed that I wrote finally, its like I have unconsciously been waiting for this moment.

I wasn't afraid but I remember thinking: this relationship is doomed.  It is going nowhere for now, unless a miracle happens so if its ending I need some sort of closure.  If I know that he will marry me eventually, I might have acted differently, been frustrated less and fought much less about things.  Funny that madre agrees that I did indeed argue with ppl so much.  So I must have argued with him too much and no man would have the patience that he had with me.

I wonder: Did I end this relationship with my thoughts?  Could my thoughts be this powerful?  And if this is the case then I must learn to use this strength in more positive things.

For now, I am in shock.  Is it really over?

I don't know when the pain will kick in for I am still in shock.

This time, I will not call.  If he wants me, he has to be the one to call and tell me that he loves me and misses me (something my heart is yearning for).  Because if he doesn't come back wanting me, then I should forget about happily ever after with him. 

Till we meet again,
Sedeso

PS: A small part of me asks if time went back would I have done things differently?  But I shouldnt think this way.  Whatever has happened is in the past now. I must live in the present and hope for a better and brighter future with someone who will love me equally if not more.  Khair InshAllah.

PPS:  I could book another session with my therapist but let's wait and see how this will unfold.  Sometimes things work out for themselves.